what happened to our dream?

Julie sat in the outer area of the principal's office, waiting to meet with him. Her son was in trouble—again. This time it was serious. She had texted her husband, Tom, who worked not far from the school. He had written back, "Sorry, big meeting, can't leave." Now she was fuming. Typical Tom, never there when his family needed him. It was a pattern—and Julie was seriously beginning to wonder if she could put up with it much longer.

This couple embodies the reality I speak of in Desperate Marriages: the "stone wall" a husband and wife can build between them. Each stone represents an event in the past where one of them failed the other.

Then there's Mike. He had always loved sharing life with Jen, boasting to others that his wife was his "best friend." But now they had a couple of kids, and it seemed Jen threw herself into mothering and didn't have much left for him. Feeling lonely and abandoned, Mike started spending more time at the local sports bar with his buddies. Then he and Jen would argue. And slowly, the stone wall was going up between them.

Some couples can't stop bickering. Everything, it seems, sparks conflict. They become exhausted to the point of feeling physically ill. They aren't even sure they like each other anymore. Maybe, they reason, they'd be better off apart.

"My father was a very angry man," one woman recalls. "He and Mom fought a lot—he would yell and Mom would react defensively or just shut down. Our household was pretty turbulent, although there were many moments of peace. Would we have been better off if they had split up? Hard to say, and in those days divorce was uncommon. But conflict definitely takes its toll."

A Little Death

If your marriage is marked by more days of conflict than companionship, you might be wondering, "Where did it all go? What happened to the dream of lifelong love and commitment?"

If you are separated, it may feel like a little death. Every day your spouse's absence reminds you of what you have lost. If you are physically together but emotionally estranged, that, too, can feel like something is dying—a dream, a hope. We speak of the "valley of the shadow of death." But a shadow is not to be equated with death itself. Your marriage crisis, separated or not, may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be the labor pains that will give rebirth to your marriage.

On the other hand, separation may be the beginning of the end. The fruit of your separation will be determined by what you and your spouse say and do in the next few weeks and months.

In a very real sense, a marriage in crisis calls for intensive care, much like that given to one in grave physical danger. The condition of your marriage is "critical." Things can go either way at any moment. Proper medication is essential, which is the purpose of this book. Surgery may be required. That will call for the services of a counselor or pastor. What you do in the next few weeks will determine the quality of your life for years to come. Be assured, God is concerned about the outcome. You can count on Him for supernatural help.

This is not the time to capitulate. The battle for marital unity is not over until the death certificate is signed. The dreams and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for. You married each other because you were in love (or thought you were at the time). You dreamed of the perfect marriage in which each made the other supremely happy. What happened to that dream? What went wrong? What can you do to correct it?

The dream can live again. But not without work—work that will demand listening, understanding, discipline, and change—work that can result in the joy of a dream come true.

I know some of you are saying, "It sounds good, but it won't work. We've tried before. Besides, I don't think my spouse will even try again."

Perhaps you are right, but do not assume that the hostile attitude of your spouse will remain forever. One of the gifts of God to all men and women is the gift of choice. We can change, and that change can be for the better. Your spouse may be saying, "I'm through. It is finished. I don't want to talk about it!" Two weeks or two months from now, however, your mate may be willing to talk. Much depends on what you do in the meantime, and much depends on his or her response to the Spirit of God.

Others of you are saying, "I'm not sure that I want to work on this marriage. I've tried. I've given and given. It won't work, and I may as well get out now!" I am deeply sympathetic with those feelings. I know that when we have tried again and again without success, we may lose our desire to try once more. We see no hope, so we conclude that we have no alternative but to give up. Our emotions no longer encourage us to work on the marriage. That is why I never ask people, "Do you want to work on your marriage?" I always ask, "Will you work on your marriage?" At the point of crisis, we have lost much of our "want to." We must remember our values, our commitments, and our dreams, and we must choose to do what must be done to be true to them.

Where shall we go for help? For those who are Christians, there is one stable source to which we turn when we need guidance. That source is the Bible. Non-Christians may or may not turn to the Bible, but the Christian is drawn by the Spirit of God to the Scriptures. In the Bible, we find not only what we ought to do, but also the encouragement to do it. Even the non-Christian who sincerely seeks help in the Bible can find meaning in Paul's statement, "I can do all things through him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13 ESV). When we come to Christ, we find the outside help we need to do what our own resources are inadequate to accomplish.

Wrong Way!

When we turn to the Bible for guidance on marriage, we see two road signs: one marked Wrong Way, the other Detour. On the sign marked Wrong Way appears the word divorce. On the sign marked Detour appear the words marital unity. Let us explore the meaning and direction of those two signs.

According to the Old and New Testaments, divorce always represents the wrong way. In the beginning, when God told Adam and Eve, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth" (Genesis 1:28 ESV), He never gave the slightest hint that the marital relationship was to be anything but lifelong. The first mention of divorce in the Bible is found in the writings of Moses. Moses permitted divorce, but it was never condoned or encouraged by God. Jesus later explained to the Pharisees that Moses had permitted divorce only because of their "hardness of heart" (Matthew 19:8 ESV) but that from the beginning divorce was not God's plan. Jesus affirmed that God's intention was monogamous, lifelong...