ACT ONE

SCENE 1

We open on a darkened stage. It's the middle of the night and a couple, NORMAN and BRENDA DREXEL, are fast asleep.

Norman, early to mid-50s, average in every respect, except for his hyperactive libido, which, due to the exigencies of marriage, is hardly a blessing. Brenda is a few years younger than Norman. She's honest, cheery, and optimistic, all qualities sorely lacking in her husband.

After a few beats, the ringing of a phone breaks the silence.

The scene is played in the dark with voiceovers.

NORMAN (bolting awake) Oh my God! Who's dead?!

BRENDA Answer it, Norman.

NORMAN Someone died! Someone's dead!

BRENDA Pick up the phone.

NORMAN Someone's dead. I know it. (picks up the phone) ... Hello? ... What's wrong? Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... Should I come now? Oh ... Okay, then I'll see you in the morning. Okay, bye. (he hangs up) That was Arthur. They took my father to the hospital. Same issue with the breathing. I have a feeling this might be it. I'll go first thing in the morning.

BRENDA Are you okay?

NORMAN I don't understand.

BRENDA ... Well he's old and sick. We knew this was coming.

NORMAN I mean, if we can't go until the morning, why did Arthur wake us? How does waking us at three am do anything?

BRENDA It doesn't. It's all about, "If I'm up, you're up".

NORMAN Yeah, of course. Well, I'll tell you this. There's no way I can get back to bed now.

BRENDA What do you want to do?

NORMAN Well this is going to sound like a joke, but usually in circumstances like these, there's really only one thing that gets me back to bed.

BRENDA Really?

NORMAN Absolutely. It completely changes the sleep dynamic.

BRENDA You can still do that, even with what happened to your father?

NORMAN Especially so.

BRENDA ... So would you prefer I leave the room or should I just turn around?

NORMAN (deflated) ... You can just turn around.

BRENDA Enjoy.

Blackout

SCENE 2

The lights come up on a hospital visitors' lounge. There's a vinyl couch CS, with two brightly colored plastic chairs on either side. DL are a candy and coffee machine. Two sets of elevators are UC.

Norman exits his father SIDNEY's room, DR, and approaches Brenda, who's sitting on the couch, checking her cell.

NORMAN No change. Still sleeping.

BRENDA Natalie's on her way. She's coming from her My Fair Lady rehearsal. How are you doing? Can I get you anything?

NORMAN You know what I just realized? Except for when I was born, I have never spent a night in the hospital in my life. I'm Superman.

BRENDA If I were you, I'd knock on wood.

NORMAN (looking around) Oh my God, there's no wood. That's not wood. That's fake wood.

BRENDA (points to end table) That's wood.

NORMAN That's not wood. That's fake wood. It's faux wood! This is all faux!

BRENDA You can knock on faux wood.

NORMAN Ah, you don't know what the faux you're talking about.

The elevator doors open, revealing Norman's brother, ARTHUR DREXEL. He's two years younger than Norman, much wealthier, better-looking, and enjoying the divorced life. The shirt, however, is not coming off his back for anyone. Arthur is accompanied by MICHELLE, a voluptuous, full-of-life blonde. Arthur hugs Brenda.

ARTHUR Hey! This is Michelle. Michelle, this is my brother's wife, Brenda —

BRENDA — Your sister-in-law.

ARTHUR Right. And this is my brother, Norman.

Norman gives a nod of approval to Arthur regarding Michelle.

MICHELLE Hello. Sorry about your dad.

NORMAN Thanks, but you know what? In a way it's a relief. He's been suffering for a while.

MICHELLE I get that.

NORMAN Wait a second! You work with Jay Leventhal. You're the notary, right?

MICHELLE Right.

NORMAN Sure, I met you a few years ago. I was up in the office.

MICHELLE I remember.

NORMAN You remember! She remembers!

Brenda claps sarcastically.

ARTHUR Have you seen Dad?

NORMAN Just briefly.

ARTHUR Where's Mom?

NORMAN She went to get some food.

ARTHUR How's she doing?

NORMAN Well she hasn't been rendered mute, if that's what you're asking.

BRENDA It would have to be a catastrophe of biblical proportions for that to happen.

ARTHUR (to Michelle) Pick a date. Any date in the last forty years.

BRENDA Seriously?

ARTHUR (ignoring, to Michelle) Name one.

MICHELLE (confused) Um ... November 25, 1997.

BRENDA It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I opened the door for the paper, but it hadn't been delivered. Then I had a sesame seed bagel. I dunked it in my coffee, which Norman didn't like at all.

NORMAN You don't dunk bagels. Who dunks bagels? Goyim.

BRENDA Then my cousin called. I tried handing Norman the phone so he could wish her a happy Thanksgiving, but he refused to take it. (unflattering imitation of Norman)

"No! No! No! I can't!"

NORMAN Oh, wow, what a great impression. You really got me down.

MICHELLE (in awe, to Brenda) ... How do you know that?

ARTHUR She can remember where she was and what she did every day since she was five. Only thirteen people in the world can do it.

MICHELLE That's incredible.

NORMAN I don't like being handed phones. Lotta pressure for me.

ARTHUR (to Michelle) Yes, they're an interesting couple, these two. The idiot and the savant.

NORMAN (to Arthur, gesturing to Sidney's room) You want to go in to see your father maybe? Just a suggestion.

Norman waits for Arthur and Michelle to enter Sidney's room, then: She's going in? What the hell is that? He brings a date to the hospital? His father's dying and he brings a date?

BRENDA Maybe she's not a date. Maybe she's a girlfriend.

NORMAN She's not a girlfriend. I spoke to him last week. He didn't mention anything about a girlfriend. I'm not even sure if a girlfriend is appropriate here.

BRENDA I wish I could've seen you guys together when you were kids.

NORMAN Oh, it was much worse. I used to pin him down and drool until it was an inch from his face, then suck it back up.

BRENDA (wincing) Eww ...

NORMAN Yeah, it was pretty disgusting. I think he's still getting even.

ARTHUR (interrupting) He's tired, said he wasn't up for talking.

BRENDA Where's Michelle?

ARTHUR She's using the bathroom. She wants to take her contacts out.

BRENDA Anybody care for real coffee? I'm going out.

NORMAN No thanks.

Brenda exits.

So how long have you been seeing her?

ARTHUR This is our fourth date.

NORMAN So this is a date?

ARTHUR Well it's the fourth time we're getting together. Technically, the first ten times you see a new woman, it's a date. So yeah.

NORMAN This is...