CHAPTER 1

Embracing the Pain

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twinbrother.

—Khalil Gibran

Be merciful to those who doubt.

—Jude 22

Certainty-Seeking Faith

Jacobson-Sized Faith

In the Pentecostal church I served while in seminary, Sunday nightservices always included a time for testimonies. No one was moreconsistent in sharing than an eighty-some-year-old saint I'll refer toas "Brother Jacobson" (everyone was referred to as "brother" and"sister" in this church). The trouble was that Brother Jacobsonalmost always gave a version of the same testimony. Standing withhis Bible raised in his right hand, he'd typically begin by sayingsomething like, "I've walked with my Lord for over eighty years, andI thank God that, by his grace, my faith in God's Word has never forone moment wavered, never!" "Amen!" the church would respond,though I never knew if this meant that their faith also had never wavered,or if it rather meant something like, "Yes, Brother, we've heardthat before."

Either way, this church often talked about how strong Brother Jacobson'sfaith was. Every now and then I'd hear someone encouragingsomebody by saying something like, "You need a Jacobson-sizedfaith!" The assumption of this church—and I've found it's sharedby most Christians—is that the more psychologically certain youare, the stronger your faith is. In this conception of faith, therefore,doubt is an enemy.

Despite its popularity, and despite the fact that there are a dozenor so verses that can be marshaled in its support (the most importantof which I'll address in chap. 10), this is the conception of faith I willbe arguing against in this book. It's not just that I think this modelof faith is mistaken. As will become clear over the next two chapters,I believe this model is gravely mistaken inasmuch as it can havenegative consequences in the lives of believers and for the kingdommovement as a whole.

How Much Faith Is "Enough"?

Not too long ago a middle-aged lady who looked rather distressedapproached me after a church service. She explained to me that, whileshe sincerely tried to believe in the Bible, she struggled with some ofits stories. With a worried tone in her voice, she asked, "Why on earthwould God include in his Holy Word a story about a poor young girlgetting gang-raped, murdered, and dismembered?" She was referringto a story in Judges 19, and it is indeed a truly horrible account. "It'snot exactly the kind of story you'd want to read in children's church,is it?" I replied. "And pastor," she continued,

I have a degree in ancient literature, and if I'm honest with myself, Ijust can't deny that some Bible stories sound like folklore, not history.Like the one about Lot's wife turning to a pillar of salt, just becauseshe was curious! Would God really do such a thing? Do we have tobelieve these stories are all literal?

I thought she wanted me to respond, but before I could open mymouth she jumped back in.

And the stories of Samson getting strong when his hair grew long,killing a lion with his bare hands, slaying one thousand Philistineswith the jawbone of an ass, and sending two hundred foxes into somefields with their tails tied together around a torch? Come on! I'm sorry,pastor, but I just can't keep myself from doubting stories like this. IfGod knows I'm sincerely trying to believe, do you think that is enoughfor me to still be saved?

My heart went out to this dear woman. I reassured her that Godknows her heart and that she needn't worry about her salvation. Andas it concerns her questions about various Bible stories, I shared withher some of the things I'll be sharing with you later on in this book(especially chap. 9). My reason for mentioning her now, however, isbecause she illustrates the conception of faith I'm going to be talkingabout. Her question was basically about whether she had enough faithto be "saved." For her, this was really a question of whether her levelof certainty was adequate to be saved.

As I suspect is true of most pastors, I get questions along theselines quite often.

• Do my doubts disqualify me from "salvation"?

• If I'm fairly sure that Jesus is the Son of God—but not 100 percentcertain—am I still "saved"?

• Are my doubts about God's willingness to heal my child thereason she is not healed?

• How much faith do I need to get God to change the heart ofmy husband?

• I struggle with the idea that God really cares about my familyand me. Do you think this is why I can't find a job?

Questions such as these are predicated on the assumption that one'sfaith is as strong as it is certain. And they each assume that, whetherwe're talking about salvation, getting healed, or keeping a job, themore certain we are, the more God will be involved in our lives.

Slamming for the Certainty Bell

If you've ever gone to a carnival or fair, I'm sure you've seen thatgame where people test their strength by trying to ring a bell at thetop of a pole with a metal puck by striking a lever with a mallet ashard as they can. It's sometimes called the "Strength Tester." I believeit provides a fair analogy of what goes on inside people's heads...