Why Do Fools Fall in Love: Experiencing the Magic, Mystery, and Meaning of Successful Relationships - Hardcover

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JANICE R. LEVINE is clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the author of The Couples Health Program and coauthor of Fighting for Your Jewish Marriage. Levine is a popular lecturer on the topics of couples and relationships HOWARD J. MARKMAN is professor of psychology at the University of Denver and one of the world's leading marital researchers. Markman is the coauthor of the Fighting for Your Marriage series which includes Fighting for Your Marriage, Fighting for Your Jewish Marriage, Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage, and Fighting for Your African American Marriage.

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Relationship experts can tell us how to find a mate, save our marriage, or improve our sex life, but their advice is meaningless unless we can experience and master that underlying, magical, incredibly powerful emotion that binds us together no matter what.

Thirty-two marriage and family experts set aside their professional personae to explain the wild and wonderful, irrational and passionate mystery of love. Written with simplicity and warmth, this book ultimately illuminates a deep and compassionate vision of what constitutes truly happy long-term relationships. Also included are pearls of wit and wisdom from celebrity couples, including Cokie and Steve Roberts, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening, George and Barbara Bush, Christopher Reeve and Dana Morosine, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, and others. Why Do Fools Fall in Love? will be cherished by all couples (and aspiring couples) who want to understand and energize that transformative power of love.

Experts and celebrities unravel the mysteries and secrets of passionate, long-lasting love

"For anyone--single or married-who has ever wondered about the magic of falling in love and the mystery of staying in love-wonder no more. This inspiring and informative book reveals the formula for creating and maintaining loving, passionate relationships." --Michele Weiner-Davis, author, Divorce Busting

"I think it's true that love brings out the best in us. And that's why we seek it out." --Annette Bening

"Good marriages don't just happen-they take a lot of love and a lot of work." --Tipper Gore

"Love may be blind-especially in its earliest stages-but by opening your eyes and ears through discovery, you can achieve deep and enduring love." --Patricia Love

"When we study those couples who truly 'master' marriage, we notice that in one case her sense of humor is delightful to him, and eases his heart though they're discussing a difficult, long-standing issue." --John M. Gottman

"There's a special level of affection that is based on longevity, on knowing each other well over a period of time and going through many things together, happy and sad." --Cokie Roberts

"Once we have experienced love, nothing in life is quite the same and nothing in life can do what love does." Howard J. Markman

"This book will be of significant interest to all whose work involves them in marriage counseling as well as to individuals dealing with problems in their own marriages. More than thirty essays by professionals present sensitive and realistic analyses of the joys and challenges of married life." --Brendan Maher, Edward C. Henderson Research Professor of Psychology, Harvard University

Aus dem Klappentext

Relationship experts can tell us how to find a mate, save our marriage, or improve our sex life, but their advice is meaningless unless we can experience and master that underlying, magical, incredibly powerful emotion that binds us together no matter what.Thirty-two marriage and family experts set aside their professional personae to explain the wild and wonderful, irrational and passionate mystery of love. Written with simplicity and warmth, this book ultimately illuminates a deep and compassionate vision of what constitutes truly happy long-term relationships. Also included are pearls of wit and wisdom from celebrity couples, including Cokie and Steve Roberts, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening, George and Barbara Bush, Christopher Reeve and Dana Morosine, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, and others. Why Do Fools Fall in Love? will be cherished by all couples (and aspiring couples) who want to understand and energize that transformative power of love.[Headline]Experts and celebrities unravel the mysteries and secrets of passionate, long-lasting love"For anyone--single or married-who has ever wondered about the magic of falling in love and the mystery of staying in love-wonder no more. This inspiring and informative book reveals the formula for creating and maintaining loving, passionate relationships."--Michele Weiner-Davis, author, Divorce Busting"I think it's true that love brings out the best in us. And that's why we seek it out."--Annette Bening"Good marriages don't just happen-they take a lot of love and a lot of work."-Tipper Gore"Love may be blind-especially in its earliest stages-but by opening your eyes and ears through discovery, you can achieve deep and Anduring love."-Patricia Love"When we study those couples who truly 'master' marriage, we notice that in one case her sense of humor is delightful to him, and eases his heart though they're discussing a difficult, long-standing issue."-John

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What Should Fools Find In Love?

By Wyndol Furman

I make my living studying love and romantic relationships in adolescence. Not surprisingly, I regularly get asked eternal questions like "why do fools fall love?" Well, we social scientists have learned that such foolishness is pretty universal. Love occurs in almost all cultures, including those in which marriages are arranged. And love makes good evolutionary sense. After all, feelings of love are not only more likely to promote sexual behavior and reproduction, but also investment in any offspring.

A tougher question is why we fall in love with a particular person. We know that proximity, similarity, responsiveness, and sexual and physical attractiveness all seem to matter. Yet, that still leaves plenty of potential people to fall for out there, doesn't it? Some we fall for and some we don't, and it's hard for social scientists to predict who will be attracted to whom. For that matter, it isn't easy for you to predict either! There are numerous variables that seem relevant, and they don't combine in any simple way. It makes predicting the weather look easy, and we know how well even the experts can do that!

Consider the first time I met the love of my life. I was two hours late as I approached her carrying a magnolia branch in an Orange Crush bottle. And what were the magic words that came from my mouth as I handed her that precious glass vessel? "Peace." I mean it was the Sixties. Yet, somehow, everything clicked and soon we two fools were madly in love. You'd have been a lot safer predicting that it was going to snow in July than predicting that.

Although there is some mystery about whom we fall in love with, there is less mystery in what makes for a successful, rewarding relationship. In other words, we may not really know why fools fall in love with particular people, but we do have some good ideas about what fools should find in love. Two of the key elements inherent in most successful relationships are a safe haven and a secure base.

A "safe haven" is a person you can turn to when you are upset, hurt, sick, or troubled. And being there during those times of distress is when it really matters. It's great that the person is there when things are going well, but you'll do okay if they occasionally are not. On the other hand, it is important that your partner be there when you're hurting. These are the times when we most need to feel safe turning to our partner for support. It gives you a sense of security; a sense that s/he is there when needed most. And by the same reasoning, it is important that you are available and responsive when your partner is hurting. It gives him or her a sense of security; a sense that you can be trusted too. Safety and trust can be achieved when neither partner feels guarded or unsafe. When you have that sense of safety, you can also develop a secure base from which to explore the world. That is, it is easier to venture out and try new things if you have a safe place or secure base to return to. In a successful relationship, your partner encourages you to develop your interests and talents. It is as if they are your Number One Fan. When you feel this kind of security you can flourish and grow without worrying that about getting hurt or being in each other's way. In less successful relationships, however, people do not feel supported by their partner and instead feel constrained. Partners often fear rather than support the other's independence. Ironically, though, intimacy and autonomy can go hand in hand. A loving partner permits you to develop yourself, and your own development permits you to grow close to your partner.