CHAPTER 1

Remember the One That You Fell For

There is a period close to the beginning of most long-term relationships whenwe're so swept up in the excitement of the chemistry of being in love that wedon't mind the things in our partners that will later become ingredients forstress. Most of us eventually get over this rosy view. But in the process ofdescending from the heights of infatuation, we can sometimes move too far in theopposite direction. We are no longer blinded by love, and have to grapple withthe reality of another flesh-and-blood person. It's a natural, necessary, andhealthy part of love, but it feels like a loss, and it causes pain.

There's no easy cure for the stresses of life as a couple. But your view of theperson with whom you share those stresses can go a long way toward affecting howimportant you allow the stresses to become. When you remember the hows, whys,and wherefores of falling in love with your partner, you maintain a sympathetic,appreciative perspective of that person.

The process of remembering the one that you fell for starts within you. Thinkback to your first glimpse of your partner. Remember the details of yourpartner's personality, appearance, preferences, and habits. Think about howthose aspects affected you when they were all new to you, and remember what youfound attractive.

Remembering the one that you fell for can also be a two-way street. Take walkswith your partner down "Memory Lane." In the early days of romance, you sharedsome powerful emotions and exciting times. Recalling them together can bringthem back into focus and even spark new life in the here and now. Celebratespecial occasions by returning to old haunts that have significance for you as acouple. Pull out old photographs, laugh about happy times, and plan activitiesthat you used to enjoy doing together. Don't seek to recreate the past, but letit feed a richer experience in the present.

In short, make your shared history a powerful tool for a happier, moresatisfying life with your partner. In the process, you'll free up room for alove that continues to grow and deepen.

CHAPTER 2

Read the Same Book

It takes time for people to grow apart. It is the culmination of hundreds ofseparate choices made without reference to the health of the relationship. Thepartners go their own ways in activities that are most engaging, and save themundane things for togetherness. The relationship can become associated withboredom and tedium.

In the same way, it takes time for people to build a strong foundation of mutualgrowth and vitality. This is meaningful time that a couple chooses to spendtogether in pursuits that are stimulating and challenging. Growing togetherinstead of apart requires that you share life's learning curves with yourpartner, day after day, in a variety of ways.

Perhaps your partner plays golf, runs, skis, or boats. You may not have anybackground in these activities, but you can certainly learn. You may not havethe physical ability or find that an activity doesn't grow on you. But you canappreciate what it takes, and be an active supporter in a variety of ways. Yourpartner's area of strength may be intellectual; it may be artistic; it may liein home maintenance. Just participating alongside your partner gives you theopportunity to learn new skills and appreciate more about your loved one.

By the same token, share your own strengths. It may seem easier and moreefficient to avoid the explanations and coaching time involved in sharing yourstrengths with your partner, but ease and efficiency don't necessarily feedmutual growth.

If you're both readers, read the same book, either separately or aloud to oneanother. Talk about your reactions to it. The content of the book becomes ashared experience that draws you together. Take up a new activity that neitherof you has tried or mastered already. Sign up for dancing lessons or join abicycling group. If you enjoy travel and have the means, plan trips to placesneither of you have visited. If you're social types, make new friends in common.

With each choice to learn and grow together, you build a history of mutualsupport and an inventory of engaging activities that bond you and make youinteresting to one another. By comparison, the things that lead to stress andfriction will be boring. You won't want to expend any energy on them.

CHAPTER 3

Be a Friend

Life partners do not necessarily treat one another as the friends they could orshould be. There can be many reasons for this, but the net result is that thesepeople have better friendships outside of their relationship than they do withtheir loved one.

It need not be this way. You can change an unsatisfying status quo. To begin, bethe kind of friend to your partner that you would like to have. Stand close insupport when times are tough, lend a shoulder to cry on in circumstances ofsorrow, and offer a sympathetic ear when life is confusing. Congratulate yourpartner on success, and extend the benefit of a doubt when you don't understandwhat's going on. Maintain and express your confidence in your partner. In theact of being a friend, you will earn the right to have a friendin your partner.

You must also teach your partner how to be your friend in romance. Find a non-accusatory a way of communicating. Rather than expressing yourself in terms of"You never ..." or "I wish you would ..." focus on "It would mean a lot to me if..." or "One of the needs I have is ..." In this way, you acknowledge that theneeds are yours, and you allow your partner to make a gift of friendship to you.

When you extend friendship to your partner and you are rebuffed, you may want totake another look at your act of friendship. Are you focusing on what isimportant to your partner, or are you stubbornly offering only what you feellike offering? Are you treating your partner the way that you treat other closefriends? Finally, have you taken into consideration any anger or pain that maybe getting in the way? Sometimes the forward motion of a friendship is stalledbecause some necessary apologies were never made.

There's little in life that adds as much joy as a solid, supportive friendshipwith the person you've chosen as a partner. If you express what friendship meansto you and pursue it explicitly in the context of friendship, you can move pastthe petty reactions that have grown out of wishing for it. Concentrate onattacking the problem at the source of the trouble, and the symptoms will takecare of themselves.

CHAPTER 4

Sing in the Shower

Among the people you know are those who have had to face a seeminglydisproportionate number of woes in their lives, but who continue to have anupbeat, optimistic attitude. Then there are others who seem to have a specialradar for the negative, who have problems even on the sunniest days, and whowill readily pinpoint who or what is to blame for what ails them.

The difference between these people has to do with their attitude andperspective; what you might think of as the "climate within." Optimistic, upbeatpeople develop a way of viewing life, with all its potential problems, thatinclines them to accept the unchangeable and seek positive solutions.

And that is the point. Regardless of what it may take to move in the directionof deeper joy and optimism, it begins with a conscious...