CHAPTER 1

DARE TO BE HAPPY

Many people don't allow themselves the luxury of being enthusiastic, light-hearted,inspired, relaxed, or happy—especially at work. To me, this is avery unfortunate form of self-denial. It seems that a great number of people arefrightened at what a happy demeanor would look like to other people, includingcoworkers, clients, and employers. After all, they assume, "Someone who isrelaxed (or happy) must not be a hard worker." The logic goes something likethis: If they looked happy, others might assume they were satisfied with thestatus quo and therefore lacking the necessary motivation to excel in their workor go the extra mile. They certainly couldn't survive in a competitiveenvironment.

I'm often hired to speak to corporations around the country on stress reductionand happier living. On a number of occasions, the person who invited me to speakhas asked me, in a nervous tone, whether I would help the employees become sohappy that they would "lose their edge." I'm not kidding!

In reality, it's the other way around. It's nonsense to believe that a relaxed,happy person necessarily lacks motivation. On the contrary, happy people arealmost always the ones who love what they do. It's been shown again and againthat people who love what they do are highly motivated by their own enthusiasmto continually better themselves and their performance. They are good listenersand have a sharp learning curve. In addition, happy workers are highly creative,charismatic, easy to be around, and good team players.

Unhappy people, on the other hand, are often held back by their own misery orstress, which distracts them from success. Rigid, stressed-out people are a dragto be around and difficult to work with. They are the ones who lack motivationbecause they are so consumed with their own problems, lack of time, and stress.Unhappy people often feel victimized by others and their working conditions.It's difficult for them to be solution-oriented because everything is seen assomeone else's fault. In addition, they are usually poor team players becausethey are often self-centered and preoccupied with their own issues. They aredefensive and, almost always, poor listeners. If they are successful, it'sdespite their unhappiness, not because of it. In fact, if an unhappy, stressed-out person can learn to become happier, he or she will become even moresuccessful.

I felt this strategy would be an excellent way to introduce this book becauseone of my goals is to convince you that it's okay to be happy, kind,patient, more relaxed and forgiving. It's to your advantage, personally andprofessionally. You won't lose your edge, nor will you be "walked on." I canassure you that you won't become apathetic, uncaring or unmotivated. To thecontrary, you'll feel more inspired, creative, and driven to make an evengreater contribution than you do right now. You'll see solutions andopportunities where others see problems. Likewise, rather than being discouragedby setbacks or failures, you'll bounce back quickly and resiliently. You willhave increased energy, you'll be able to work "in the eye of the storm," and,because you'll be so level-headed, you'll be the one who is looked to when toughdecisions need to be made. You will rise to the top.

If you dare to be happy, your life will begin to change immediately. Your lifeand your work will take on greater significance and will be experienced as anextraordinary adventure. You'll be loved by others and, without a doubt, you'llbe sweating the small stuff far less often at work.

CHAPTER 2

BECOME LESS CONTROLLING

When I talk about being "controlling," I'm referring to unhealthy attempts tomanipulate the behavior of others, having the need to control your environment,insisting on having things be "just so" in order to feel secure, and becomingimmobilized, defensive or anxious when other people don't behave to yourspecifications—the way you think they should be. To be controlling meansyou are preoccupied with the actions of others and how those actions affect you.To put it in the context of this book, people who are controlling "sweat thebehavior" of others when it doesn't match their own expectations.

I've made several observations about people who are controlling; two inparticular. First, there are too many of them. For whatever reason, there seemsto be a national trend toward controlling behavior. Secondly, the trait of beingcontrolling is highly stressful—both to the controller and to those whoare being controlled. If you want a more peaceful life, it's essential youbecome less controlling.

One of the most extreme examples of controlling behavior I've heard of involved,of all things, paper clips! A lawyer at a top-flight law firm had a penchant forcertain things to be done in certain ways—not only "big picture" things,but very minuscule things as well. This fellow liked to use copper-colored paperclips instead of the silver ones his firm provided (what could be more importantthan that?). So he had his secretary buy his own private supply for him eachweek (and didn't even reimburse her). If something came to his desk with thewrong kind of clip, he'd fly into a rage. He became known in the office as "thepaper clip king."

It probably won't come as a big surprise that this guy was almost always behindon his paperwork, and his work for his clients suffered. All the time he spentgetting angry over petty things slowed him down. The paper clips were only oneaspect of his controlling behavior—he had rules and regulations abouteverything from how his coffee was served (in a special china cup and saucer) tothe order in which he was introduced in meetings. Ultimately, his controllingbehavior turned off one too many of his clients, and he was let go from thefirm.

This is a very unusual and extreme example, yet if you examine your ownbehavior, you may find areas that you are trying to control that are futile orjust plain silly. I encourage you to take a look.

A person who is controlling carries with him a great deal of stress because, notonly does he (or she) have to be concerned with his own choices and behavior,but in addition, he insists that others think and behave in certain ways aswell. While occasionally we can influence another person, we certainly can'tforce him to be a certain way. To someone who is controlling, this is highlyfrustrating.

Obviously, in business, there are many times you want to have a meeting of theminds, or you need others to see things as you do. You have to sell yourself andyour ideas to those you work with. In certain instances, you must exert youropinions, influence, even power to get something done. There are times you mustinsist on getting your way or think of clever and creative ways to get others tothink differently. That's all part of business. And that's absolutely not whatI'm referring to here. We're not talking about healthy, normal attempts to cometo a meeting of the minds or balancing points of view. We're also not talkingabout not caring about the behavior of others—of course you care. Rather,we're discussing the ways that insistence, singular thinking, rigidity, and theneed to control translates into pain and stress.

What hurts the controlling person is what goes on inside—his feelings andemotions. The key element seems to be a lack of willingness to allow otherpeople to fully be themselves, to give them space to be who they are, and torespect—really respect—the fact that people think differently. Deepdown, a controlling person doesn't want other people to be themselves, butrather the image of who they want them to be. But people aren't an image of whowe want them to be—they are who they are. So, if you're tied to animagined image, you're going to feel frustrated and impotent a great deal of thetime. A controlling person assumes that he knows what's best, and by golly, he'sgoing to make other people see the folly of their ways. Within the need tocontrol, there's an inherent lack of respect for the opinions and ways ofothers.

The only way to become less controlling is to see the advantages of doing so.You have to see that you can still get your way when it's necessary, yet youwill be less personally invested. In other words, less will be riding on otherpeople being, thinking, or behaving in a certain way. This will translate into afar less stressful way of being in the world. When you can make allowances inyour mind for the fact that other people see life differently than you do,you'll experience far less internal struggle.

In addition, as you become less controlling, you'll be a lot easier to bearound. You can probably guess that most people don't like to be controlled.It's a turnoff. It creates resentment and adversarial relationships. As you letgo of your need to be so controlling, people will be more inclined to help you;they will want to see you succeed. When people feel accepted for who they arerather than judged for who you think they should be, they will admire andrespect you like never before.

CHAPTER 3

ELIMINATE THE RAT RACE MENTALITY

I often hear people conversing about being stuck "in the rat race" as if theywere discussing the weather—in a very casual, matter-of-fact manner. Theassumption seems to be, "There's no escaping it—it's just a fact of lifefor everyone."

One of the problems with this mentality is that the label "rat race" implies,among other things, assumptions like, "I'm in a hurry, get out of my way,there's never enough time, there's not enough to go around, it's a dog-eat-dogworld," and so forth. It sets you up to be frightened, impatient, and annoyed byconstantly reinforcing and validating a self-defeating belief. You'll noticethat most people who describe themselves as being "in the rat race" will indeedbe hyper and easily bothered. It's important to note, however, that there areother people with the same types of jobs, pressures, responsibilities, andschedules who experience and describe their work in a much more peaceful andinteresting way. Yet, they are every bit as effective and productive as theirmore nervous and agitated counterparts.

It's always refreshing for me to meet people who, despite being part of thecorporate, commuting, and/or working world, have made the decision to not buyinto this frenetic and destructive label. They refuse to box themselves in bythe way they describe their experience. Instead, they live in a more acceptingway, constantly on the lookout for a positive take on their experience.

So much of our daily work life exists in our own mind, dependent upon whataspects we focus on and how we characterize our experience. In other words, whenwe describe our day, we might feel very justified in saying, "Oh God, it wasawful. I was stuck in horrible traffic with millions of other angry people. Ispent my day in boring meetings, always scrambling a few minutes behind. Therewere arguments and almost constant conflict to deal with. What a bunch ofjerks!"

The identical day might be thought of differently. You might describe it likethis: "I drove to work and spent much of my day meeting with people. It was achallenge, but I did my best to stay as long as possible at one meeting withoutbeing late for the next one. The art of my work is bringing together people who,on the surface, don't seem to be able to get along very well. It's a good thingI'm there to help."

Can you feel the difference? And it's not a matter of one description being"realistic and accurate" and the other being wishful thinking. The truth is,both are absolutely accurate. It all depends on the well-being of the persondoing the thinking. The same dynamic applies to whatever you happen to do for aliving or how you spend your time. You can always make the argument, "I'm stuckin the rat race," or you can find another way to think about it.

You can begin to eliminate the rat race mentality and, in the process, become acalmer person and create a more interesting life, by deciding to stop discussingit with others—and by recharacterizing your day and your responsibilitiesin a healthier way. As your mind is focused in a more positive direction, and asyou're looking for the gifts of your day instead of the hassles, you'll begin tonotice aspects of your work life that may have been invisible to you. You'llactually see things differently. Everywhere you look, you'll see opportunitiesfor personal and spiritual growth. You'll see more solutions and fewer problems,as well as plenty of ways to enhance and maximize your experience. I hope you'llconsider eliminating the rate race mentality—your work will be a lot morerewarding if you do.

CHAPTER 4

DON'T DRAMATIZE THE DEADLINES

Many of us work under the constant demands of tight deadlines. Authors are noexception to this rule. But have you ever stopped to think about how much mentaland emotional emphasis we put on our deadlines? And have you ever wondered whatnegative consequences are attached to such emphasis? If not, I encourage you togive these questions some careful consideration.

It's true that deadlines are a fact of life. Yet a lot of this type of stresscomes not so much from the deadline itself, but from all the thinking about it,wondering whether or not we will make it, feeling sorry for ourselves,complaining and, perhaps most of all, commiserating with others.

Recently, I was in an office waiting for an appointment. The person I was tomeet with had been delayed in traffic. I was trying to read, but becamefascinated by a conversation between two co-workers in the office. They werecomplaining among themselves about the unfair tight deadline they were on.Apparently, they had less than two hours to complete some type of report.Whatever it was, it was to be turned in by noon that same day.

I sat there, listening in amazement, as the two of them spent almost an entirehour complaining about how ridiculous it was to be put through this. They hadnot taken the first step toward the completion of their goal! Finally, about aminute before the person I was to meet finally arrived, one of them said in afrantic tone, "God, we'd better get started. It's due in an hour."

I realize that this is an extreme example, and few of us would waste time in asdramatic a manner as this. However, it does illustrate the point that thedeadline itself isn't always the sole factor in the creation of stress.Ultimately, these two people seemed to realize that they could get the jobdone—even in one hour. So you have to wonder how different theirexperience could have been had they calmly taken a deep breath and workedtogether as quickly and efficiently as possible.

It's been my experience that complaining about deadlines—even if thecomplaints are justified—takes an enormous amount of mental energy and,more important to deadlines, time! The turmoil you go through commiserating withothers or simply within your own head is rarely worth it. The added obsessivethinking about the deadline creates its own internal anxiety.

I know that deadlines can create quite a bit of stress and that sometimes itdoesn't seem fair. However, working toward your goal without the interference ofnegative mental energy makes any job more manageable. See if you can notice howoften you tend to worry, fret, or complain about deadlines. Then, try to catchyourself in the act of doing so. When you do, gently remind yourself that yourenergy would be better spent elsewhere. Who knows, perhaps you can ultimatelymake peace with deadlines altogether.