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Tim Clinton, Ed.D, LPC, LMFT, is president of the American Association of Christian Counselors. He is professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care at Liberty University and is executive director of the Liberty University Center for Counseling and Family Studies.

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LOVING YOUR CHILD TOO MUCH

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Chapter 1 Can You Really Love Your Kids Too Much?.....................3Chapter 2 How We Love Too Much........................................19Chapter 3 Why We Love Too Much........................................33Chapter 4 What's the Harm in Loving Too Much?.........................45Chapter 5 The Right Way to Love.......................................59Chapter 6 The Three R's of Healthy Love...............................73Chapter 7 Loving Without Overindulging................................81Chapter 8 Loving Without Overprotecting...............................99Chapter 9 Loving Without Overcontrolling..............................121Chapter 10 How Parents and Kids Connect...............................143Chapter 11 Building Closeness with Your Child.........................157Chapter 12 Emotion Coaching...........................................169Chapter 13 Effective Discipline for Any Child.........................179Chapter 14 Extra-Effort Kids..........................................211Notes..................................................................235

Chapter One

Every child deserves at least one person in his life who is absolutely crazy about him.

Parents love their kids. It's only natural. How moms and dads show love to their kids often differs, but that special bond between parent and child is something that has a heart of its own, something that comes directly from above. It's sacred!

Remember when you first held that tiny, wonderful being and felt your baby's warm, smooth skin? Something happened inside that locked your heart with that little one's. At the moment, you didn't believe it would be possible to love someone more, but over time your connection actually grew stronger. With the first smile, tooth, hug, steps, and words—starting with "Dada" and "Mama" and later progressing to "Can I have some money?"—your love for your child deepened.

Enter sports. You cheered wildly as he hit his first tee-ball, scored a goal, or made a basket. "That's what I'm talking about!" you screamed. "That's my boy! We're talking big leagues here!" You just knew he'd be good—a real chip off the old block. And if the coach pulled him out of the game? It wouldn't be pretty. No one—that's right, no one—better mess with your kid.

You're smiling because you know what we're talking about.

As parents and professional therapists, we love our kids with the same gusto. We know the joys, demands, and pressures of raising kids today. And we've seen just about everything—both in counseling sessions and on the court and ball field. More importantly, we've witnessed what works with kids and what doesn't.

This book is written to help you connect with your kids by identifying and explaining some of the most common pitfalls of parenting. It doesn't pull any punches or offer any gimmicks. It centers on what really matters most—building and maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with your children that is emotionally and spiritually close.

Bridging the Love Gap

So what is healthy love? It's more than the powerful bond parents feel when their newborn is first placed in their arms, the rush of infatuation couples experience when they begin dating, or the instant bonding that can happen when friends meet. Whether with family or friends, loving relationships take work. They may begin with powerful feelings, but in order to develop true, lasting intimacy, all relationships require a commitment of time and effort—the willingness to stick with it and confront the negative feelings that will inevitably arise when we get close to another person. Our kids are no exception. We can't count the number of times parents have said to us, "We love our child, but we really don't like him. He's so exhausting to be around."

The apostle Paul described love as hard work, writing, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4–8).

Most parents we meet strive to love their children with these biblical guidelines in mind. But what happens when their efforts fall short? The "love gap" is the distance between our good intentions as parents and what we should do to truly love our kids—and it is often what brings families to our offices seeking help. There are many reasons this separation happens, and often the disconnect occurs when parents overcontrol, overprotect, or overindulge their child.

In a speech about fatherhood, President George W. Bush noted this disconnect, saying, "It's a natural longing of the human heart to care for and cherish your child, but this longing must find concrete expression. Raising a child requires sacrifice, effort, time, and presence. And there is a wide gap between our best intentions and the reality of today's society."

We can't really love our kids too much. When it comes to parenting, love—and the amount of it—isn't really the issue. Despite our good intentions, we don't always achieve healthy love. In fact, often the problem comes with the decisions we make in the name of love.

The Love Comparison Chart illustrates at a glance how healthy love differs from love that tends to overprotect, overindulge, or overcontrol. What is your parenting style?

Overprotecting

Becky recently came to see us about her nine-year-old son, Michael. Every morning, Michael would wake up with a headache or stomachache, complaining that he was too sick to go to school. Becky had taken him to different doctors on several occasions, and they had run multiple tests to rule out any serious medical problems. In the end, the doctors could find nothing physically wrong.

As we discussed these problems in counseling, Becky informed us that Michael's headaches and stomach problems would disappear every day about an hour after she had decided he was unfit to go to school. They would restart in the evening just before bedtime.

"Mom," Michael would announce, "my stomach is starting to hurt again. I don't think I can go to school tomorrow."

Becky would usually tell him, "I'm sorry you feel so badly, honey. Let's see how you feel in the morning, and we'll decide what to do then."

Becky was at her wits' end. She had tried everything to help her son, meeting with school officials, seeking advice from her church pastor, and praying fervently. "I also tried sending him back to school, but that failed miserably," she told us. "Michael got even worse! He threw a huge fit, started breathing hard, and said he felt like he was dying."

"How did you feel when Michael did this?" we asked.

"Terrible ... like such a bad mom. I felt like I was punishing him, and he hadn't done anything wrong. So I usually kept him home."

Like any good parent, Becky didn't want to see her child suffer. And Michael's tears were real—he truly did not want to be separated from his mother. Becky's desire to protect him, however, was just making matters worse. The only way Michael...