Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Samuel Adams, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist. He earned his master's from Western Seminary and a doctorate from George Fox University. He maintains a full time counseling practice in Austin, Texas.

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The 10 Commandment of Dating

Thomas Nelson

Chapter One

Thou Shalt Get a Life

It's 4:00 on a Friday afternoon, and you've got the whole weekend ahead of you. You grab something to eat and plop down in front of your computer to check your e-mail. As you scroll through the junk mail and the billionth ad for a GAP clearance sale, your cell phone suddenly rings-it's your boyfriend of two months. Anticipating plans for a fun night out, you eagerly answer in your sweetest voice, "Hello?"

"Um, hey." He doesn't sound nearly as excited to be talking to you.

You exchange small talk about the day, and then he proceeds to tell you that he's going out with some of his guy friends tonight and that he'll try to remember to call you tomorrow.

"What do you mean `you'll try'?" you fire back. "Anyway, I thought we had plans for tonight!"

"Listen, I'm pretty busy these days, and ... well, I just don't know if I have time for a girlfriend. Maybe we should think about just being friends."

"Whatever ... I'm busy too. Have a nice time with your friends." You hang up on him, hoping you left him thinking that you couldn't care less what he does with his life or who he spends it with. But inside, your heart sinks into your stomach as you realize that this person, in whom you've invested so much time, energy, and emotion, has just put an end to something you hoped would last forever-well, at least longer than two months. You sit there, staring at your phone, thinking, He's gonna call back any second and want to talk it out, or maybe tell me he was just plain wrong. You keep staring at it as seconds tick by. Nothing. You feel hurt, rejected, mad, and all alone.

You spend most of the weekend on the couch, watching reruns of That '70s Show on TV. By Sunday night, for some strange reason, you don't feel any better. In fact, you are still stuck in the same emotional ditch you fell into Friday afternoon when you got the call. You replay the conversation over and over in your head and ask yourself, "What went wrong? Why did something that seemed so good not work out?"

Finally, a startling truth begins to emerge. You had told him you have a busy life too, but suddenly you realize that just isn't true. The truth is, you don't have a life. This person was your life. Your entire self-worth was wrapped up in someone else. You now see how you had put your life on hold-your school, family, interests, friends, and even your relationship with God. And now that it's over, you have nothing to sustain you-no one to call, nothing to do. Without your sweetheart, you have no life.

Okay, so maybe this illustration is a bit depressing, but believe us, we have witnessed far too many scenarios just like it. Thousands of people make bad relationship choices and end up with a lot of unnecessary pain because they ignore this first and foundational relationship commandment: Thou Shalt Get a Life!

Years ago the girl of my (Ben's) dreams dumped me twice within a six-week period. Although it felt like she had torn my heart right out of my rib cage, it turned out to be one of the most valuable experiences of my dating life. It was through that double-dumping that I learned that I needed a life. A real life! When you invest all your energy and self-esteem in getting a date or having a serious relationship, you have nothing else to give.

People with lives are not sitting around waiting to be swept off their feet. People with lives do not make "getting a boyfriend or girlfriend" their ultimate goal. People with lives do not have to be dating someone to feel good about themselves. People with lives are not always on the prowl, going places and hanging out with certain people just so they can meet a cute guy or a hot girl. Relationships with the opposite sex are important (why else would you be reading this book?), but they must be kept in perspective. When relationships with the opposite sex become too serious or become an obsession, you've got a problem.

Here's a reality check: if you don't have a life of your own (or get one real soon), you won't be happy, and you certainly won't be someone people will want to spend time with. Why? Because you will have no sense of self-worth, and you will end up sucking the life out of your friends. Inevitably, you will put extraordinary expectations on people to fulfill you, complete you, entertain you, and soothe you. No created thing-certainly no human-can perform up to those outlandish expectations. Only the Creator who made you can do that, and He made you to ... get a life!

Before you ever even look at the opposite sex again, please follow this first and greatest commandment to get a life. If you are wondering what a real life looks like or how to get one, read on. But first, let's see what can happen when someone decides to rebel and break this first law of relationships. We call it the un-life.

The Un-Life

People who are living the un-life have one thing in common: they have put their lives on hold. They have become so consumed with finding someone to meet their needs and give them a sense of significance that real living has taken a backseat. Some unlifers just withdraw completely and give up. They have convinced themselves that life isn't worth pursuing with any sort of passion if they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Whether they are obsessed with finding The One or are completely jaded to the thought because their hearts have been broken, these are the ones who have contracted the fatal disease of the un-life. Here are the most common symptoms of the un-life, known as the four Deadly Ds.

1. Desperation

A desperate person has a sense of urgency about finding someone to go out with. He is starving for someone to fill the emotional hole in his soul. These desperate people go to places, including youth group functions, only to check out the girls or become friends with so-and-so because her brother is good-looking. Unfortunately their urge-to-merge strategy inevitably hits a dead end: they end up using people, having a miserable time, developing a bad reputation, and scaring off the person they hoped to attract in the first place. Take it from Confucius, the philosopher: "Desperation produces perspiration, and perspiration stinks on anybody."

2. Dependence

A dependent person gains a sense of significance and security through others. She must be attached to someone in order to feel good about herself. We've seen countless people hang on to sick relationships, even emotionally and physically abusive relationships, for this reason.

Ashley, an all-star soccer player, was assertive and unstoppable on the field, but when it came to guys she was as limp as a wet noodle. Her boyfriend had broken up with her, and she seemed unable to make decisions for herself without him. To top it off, she confessed that he was a jerk toward her friends and often was controlling and critical toward her. Now he had changed his mind and wanted to woo her back with all sorts of promises about treating her better. Unbelievable as it may sound, Ashley was thinking about taking him back, and probably would have, had her parents and friends not cautioned her otherwise. We have tremendous compassion for people like Ashley, and we hold out much hope for them to avoid abusive relationships.

Dependent people have difficulty making...