Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Mark W. Gaither, with a Master of Theology degree from Dallas Theological Seminary, has been researching and writing Christian materials for authors and ministries for years. Redemptive Divorce is born out of the pain and trauma of divorce when his redemptive offer was refused. Mark later met and married Charissa, and now enjoys the benefits of this biblically sound, grace-oriented process: a clear conscience and a future without regrets.

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Redemptive DIVORCE

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Foreword Charles R. Swindoll............................................................ixAcknowledgments..........................................................................xiiiIntroduction.............................................................................xv1. Suffering or Divorce? Finding a Way Out of the No-Win Scenario........................12. "The Marriage Is Over!" What Does that Mean?..........................................173. The Biblical Divorce..................................................................354. When Love Has to Get Tough............................................................535. Putting Divorce Proceedings into Perspective..........................................716. A Team, a Goal, and a Plan............................................................917. From Gethsemane to Glory: A Personal Word to the Redeeming Spouse.....................1118. The Dangers of Grace..................................................................127Appendix 1: Repentance Inventory.........................................................141Appendix 2: Preparing to Live Apart......................................................143Appendix 3: Monthly Household Expenses...................................................145Appendix 4: Documents Checklist..........................................................147Appendix 5: Preparing to Respond.........................................................149Appendix 6: Priorities for Negotiating the Settlement....................................151Suggested Resources......................................................................154Notes....................................................................................155About the Author.........................................................................158

Chapter One

"I don't believe in divorce." As Diane responded to the pleas of her non- Christian friends, the waver in her voice dignified her desperate resolve. Some might have even called her convictions heroic. Her husband of sixteen years, however, had demonstrated all too clearly by his love of alcohol and rage that he did not share her perspective on marriage. The sacred covenant she entered as a young woman had become his license to drink and hurl insults with no consequences. And after a thousand broken promises and countless wasted hours in counseling, Diane was at the breaking point. For the sake of her children's safety and sanity, and for the survival of her own withered soul, something had to change. Unfortunately, her family, her church, and her own Christian conscience spoke in heartbroken, anguished accord: "I don't believe in divorce."

Diane's resolute trust in God's goodness had sustained her in the midst of her trials, but the hopelessness of her situation became clearer after two conversations: one with her friend, Marge, and the other with her pastor, Ron.

Stand Up and Get Out!

Diane quietly ate her lunch as Marge picked at her salad. After a long silence, Marge looked up and said, "I haven't been to Sunday school since I was a child, so I don't know much about God. But I don't see how a marriage like yours is something He would find very pleasing."

Marge had been married to her high school sweetheart for more than twenty years and enjoyed the kind of relationship that Diane had long since given up hope of having. "Do you think it's God's will for you to live this way?" She rested her elbows on the cafeteria table and stared intently into Diane's eyes.

"No," Diane replied patiently. "God isn't pleased with a lot of things on earth, but that doesn't mean that I should answer Gary's sin by committing another sin, like getting a divorce."

"Sin?" Marge looked incredulous.

"Marge, I know you don't see marriage the way I do, but I believe that Gary and I entered a sacred, unbreakable covenant on our wedding day. The Bible says, 'God hates divorce.'"

Marge looked down, shook her head, and then put a sympathetic hand on Diane's. "Honey, Gary's in love with alcohol, and he's never cared for anyone but himself. He's already broken your covenant. Look, I don't pretend to know as much about the Bible as you, but I do know something about marriage. I completely believe in commitment. I said, 'For better and for worse,' and I meant it. But it seems to me that choosing to be Gary's doormat and allowing him to live however he wants only makes a mockery of what you hold sacred. Sounds like to me you're okay with him wiping his feet on you and your vows. You're treating your covenant as badly as he is."

Anger flashed like lightning in Diane's chest. She had never been accused of dishonoring her vows before. In fact, she had been universally praised for her steadfast commitment through the worst of circumstances-a rare and precious reward in an otherwise thankless life. "How am I guilty of dishonoring my covenant?" she snapped.

Marge sat back in her chair and let the moment pass in silence. Then she asked, "Does the Bible teach that you and Gary are equals in the marriage?"

"There's a lot of disagreement in churches, but I believe that Gary is supposed to be the leader and I should follow him. And if he could lead, I would want to follow him." Diane laughed. "That's probably the last thing a feminist would want to hear, especially from the wife of an alcoholic."

"No, but that's not what I mean. Does the Bible teach that you and Gary are equally valuable?"

"Well, of course!"

Marge leaned forward again. "Do you think God approves of how Gary treats you?"

"You know He doesn't."

"You must think He does. Because what I hear you saying is that the vows you made before God make it okay for Gary to hurt you without having to face any consequences. If God wants you to clean Gary's house, cook his meals, care for his children, and play the 'good wife' for the sake of his career, and if leaving him is a sin ... well, it seems to me that God likes Gary a whole lot more than He likes you. At least that's how you're acting."

Echoes of Al-Anon meetings-months of them-reverberated in Diane's head. She felt confident that she had pushed past denial, but now ... Had she merely sanctified her inability to defend her own dignity as a person?

"Diane, I love you," Marge said, "and I really do respect your beliefs. But your vows-at least the way you see them-have become a prison and you're letting a madman hold the keys. I just can't believe that God thinks as little of you as you think of yourself. I can't believe that refusing to accept Gary's destructive behavior is something God would consider a sin. Not if He loves you."

Diane wiped her tears with a napkin. "I know I'm worth more than how I'm treated, but I want to do everything I can to save my marriage. I just don't know what to do right now."

"I can understand that, but what about your kids?" Marge lowered her voice and said urgently, "What do you think this is teaching them? What kind of husband do you think Sean will become after watching his dad get by with this kind of behavior?"

...