The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace - Softcover

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Laura Doyle is the bestselling author of The Surrendered Wife and The Surrendered Single. A popular speaker on relationship issues, she teaches workshops based on her books and hosts The Empowered Wife Podcast. She lives in Costa Mesa, California, with her husband.

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Introduction

-- ANNA LOUISE STRONG

When I was newly married at twenty-two, I had no idea I would ever call myself a surrendered wife. At that time, the very phrase would have repulsed me.

I did know that marriage was risky because I had watched my parents go through a brutal divorce. Still, I was hopeful that I could do better. I was amazed that my husband, John, could love me as much as he did, and part of me believed we could make our marriage work simply because it was born of so much goodness.

At first our marriage was blissful. Then, I started to see John's imperfections more glaringly, and I began correcting him. It was my way of helping him to improve. From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home, and clean up after himself, everything would be fine. I told him as much.

He didn't respond well. And, it's no wonder. What I was really trying to do was control John. The harder I pushed, the more he resisted, and we both grew irritable and frustrated. While my intentions were good, I was clearly on the road to marital hell. In no time I was exhausted from trying to run my life and his. Even worse, I was becoming estranged from the man who had once made me so happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble and it had only been four years since we'd taken our vows.

My loneliness was so acute I was willing to try anything to cure it. I went to therapy, where I learned that I often used control as a defense. I read John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which gave me some understanding of the different ways men and women communicate and approach life. I talked to other women to find out what worked in their marriages.

One friend told me she let her husband handle all of the finances, and what a relief that was for her. Another one told me she tried never to criticize her husband, no matter how much he seemed to deserve it. I decided I would try to follow in these women's footsteps as an "experiment" in my marriage. I desperately wanted to save the relationship, and I also hoped to rescue my self-respect, which was fading with each episode of anger and frustration I unleashed on John.

Little did I know that I was taking the first baby steps in surrendering and that doing so would renew our marital tranquility and my self-respect. Today I call myself a surrendered wife because when I stopped trying to control the way John did everything and started trusting him implicitly, I began to have the marriage I've always dreamed of. The same thing will happen to you if you follow the principles in this book.

None of us feels good about ourselves when we're nagging, critical, or controlling. I certainly didn't. The tone of my voice alone would make me cringe with self-recrimination. Through surrendering, you will find the courage to gradually stop indulging in these unpleasant behaviors and replace them with dignified ones.

You will also have more time and energy to focus on what's most important to you. Whether your desire is to have a more harmonious family, run a top corporation, or both, you'll feel increasing pride as you realize your goals faster than ever before. Surrendering has a way of bringing out the best in us, both as individuals and as wives, which is why it's so worth doing.

Do you RARELY, SOMETIMES, or FREQUENTLY:

1. Feel superior to your husband?

2. Nag your husband?

3. Commiserate with other wives about your husband?

4. Hear yourself say, "I told my husband..."

5. Think that everything would be fine if your husband would do what you tell him to do?

6. Eavesdrop on your husband's conversations?

7. Feel like the only adult in the family?

8. Feel overburdened in parenting your children?

9. Do things for your husband that he is capable of doing for himself?

10. Have recurring anxiety and depression?

11. Feel exhausted?

12. Find either of you are disinterested in sex?

13. Feel resentful or jealous about your husband's victories in life?

14. Reject or criticize his gifts?

15. Fantasize about divorce or life with a man who would better match you?

16. Discount the reasons you chose your husband in the first place?

17. Feel hopeless about your marriage because your needs have gone unmet for so long?

18. Have a hard time trusting your husband in even small matters?

19. Find yourself trying to control your husband?

20. Get angry with your husband when he makes a poor decision?

TO TOTAL YOUR SCORE, GIVE YOURSELF:

• 5 points for each "rarely"

• 3 points for each "sometimes"

• 1 point for each "frequently"

• Add all three columns together for a final score (somewhere between 20 and 100)

IF YOUR SCORE IS 35 OR LESS:

What intimacy?

You're probably wondering what the heck you ever saw in this guy! But not to worry -- the tenderness you seek may just be dormant. If you can remember the reasons you agreed to marry him in the first place and start respecting him for those reasons, you can still have the marriage you always dreamed was possible. Find the courage to stop controlling your husband today. You won't be sorry. You can transform your marriage, starting now.

IF YOUR SCORE IS 36 TO 60:

Overworked and Underappreciated

It's hard to tell because you make it look easy, but you're doing too much and you need a break. Start to take better care of yourself and ask for help more often. Your vulnerability will be rewarded if your husband feels respected. Thank your husband for his contributions and you will be well on your way to igniting passion and achieving intimacy.

IF YOUR SCORE IS 61 OR ABOVE:

Congratulations!

Your marriage is very intimate and passionate. You found a man you respect, and the two of you have a positive impact on each other. This union is a healthy mix of individuality and togetherness. You practice good self-care, you're quick to apologize, and he adores you for it.

net which we throw around ourselves."

-- SWAMI VIVEKANANDA

There was no single moment when the surrendered lightbulb went off in my head. Instead, I changed little by little. I experimented, first by keeping my mouth shut -- and sometimes even my eyes -- when John drove. When we arrived in one piece, I decided that I would always trust him behind the wheel, no matter how strong my urge to control.

Next, I stopped buying his clothes (yes, even his underwear), even though I worried that he wouldn't buy any for himself. (I was wrong.) I learned what not to do from making painful mistakes, like criticizing the way he maintained the cars, which made me feel like my mother when she was cranky and caused John to watch TV for four straight hours, avoiding me. I prayed for wisdom, and took more baby steps towards approaching the relationship without control.

Slowly but surely, things started to change.

As I stopped bossing him around, giving him advice, burying him in lists of chores to do, criticizing his ideas and taking over every situation as if he couldn't handle it, something magical happened. The union I dreamed of appeared.

The man who wooed me was back.

We were intimate again. Instead of keeping a running...