How to Be a Perfect Christian: Your Comprehensive Guide to Flawless Spiritual Living - Hardcover

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One

Joining the Right Church

If you’ve ever felt a modicum of displeasure at your church, even if just for a fleeting second, get out of there immediately and find a new one.

—C. S. Lewis

You want to be a perfect Christian, and that is a noble goal indeed. But first things first. It’s impossible to get to the maximum level of holiness if you’re currently attending a church that is focused on the wrong things, namely, on anything other than you.

Paul David Tripp once wrote that church is a place “where flawed people place their faith in Christ, gather to know and love him better, and learn to love others as he designed.” It’s a nice sentiment, but it’s also completely wrong. Flawed people? Excuse us, Paul, but we’re trying to become absolutely perfect here, not hang out with a bunch of messed-up folks. We don’t need that kind of negativity in our lives.

And neither do you—which is why you’re reading this book. [1]

We know you may have feelings of loyalty or attachment to the humble, local expression of the body of Christ that you’ve been a part of for years. You need to rid yourself of these unholy emotions. It’s time to step back and objectively evaluate whether or not your church is properly equipped to encourage you on your sacred quest to become the ultimate manifestation of impeccable spirituality.

So open your eyes and start looking for the red flags that indicate your church isn’t a spiritually fulfilling congregation.

Some of the most common warning signs that your church isn’t conducive to your personal growth into a perfect Christian include a pastor who preaches sermons that make you feel uncomfortable, a worship experience that centers your attention more on God than on your own feelings, and a church staff who refuse to incorporate the advice from the thousands of helpful comment cards you’ve left over the years. These kinds of churches are dangerous. If you find yourself treading water in a similar spiritual wasteland, it’s time for your very first step toward spiritual awesomeness: church shopping.

Your journey to living a flawless Christian life begins today! Ditch that group of hopeless losers who have been holding you back and instead find a church that’s built around you—and all of your needs and desires.

According to recent research, every single town in America has a minimum of 6,521,587 churches to choose from, so you’ve got your work cut out for you. You actually have a better chance of winning the lottery while getting struck by lightning than of picking a good church near you on the first shot. So it’s a great thing you have this book to help you out.

In the olden days of the apostles (circa 1950), there were just a few churches in town. If you wanted to visit one, you had to put on your Sunday best and build up the courage to march right in the front door without having a clue as to what to expect. What a nightmare. But—thanks be to God—these are the days of the World Wide Web, a magical portal to all kinds of great resources (and almost nothing bad or degrading—lots of wholesome stuff, mostly). So you get what the church fathers could only dream of: the benefit of shopping around online for a church from the comfort of your own home.

Approximately twenty years after the magical Internet sprung up out of nowhere and revolutionized modern communication and commerce, churches discovered they, too, could create a website and spread the good news through the magic of technology. So the first step in selecting a new, improved local body of Christ is to Google churches nearby and start separating the wheat from the chaff.

Try search terms like “church near me that has cool coffee bar” or “church near me that isn’t weird or stuffy” or “good trendy church near me that uses T-shirt cannons.” Just have fun with it. You ought to use any search terms you think will help you sift through the millions of nonpersonalized churches in your area and find a true diamond in the rough: a church that emphasizes and cultivates the historical Christian virtues of convenience and comfort.

Your search will likely return approximately four billion hits, but don’t worry—we’ll sort through them together.

The first thing to look at is the church’s name, which provides all kinds of clues to help rule out churches that stubbornly refuse to cater to your felt needs 24/7. A lame name is a big no-no.

What you’re really looking for is a church with a name that either sounds like a retirement community or a natural disaster.

Whispering Pines Community Church or Cedar Grove Church, for instance, are probably churches that are worthy of your presence. These names could easily be confused with an apartment complex, a mini-mall, or a delightful retirement community—consider this a sign that you’re on the right track.

Alternatively, the church should have a name reminiscent of a destructive act of God. For example, consider checking out churches with names like Granite Deluge of Life, Floodwaters Collective, Whirlwind Love Fellowship, or Blazing Inferno Church. If the church sounds like its name alone could crush you under the destructive weight of its awesomeness, you’re probably going to be in for an exciting, you-centric experience.

What you should be very cautious of is any church with a name that brazenly indicates an affiliation with any of the major evangelical denominations, just hanging out there for the whole world to see. First Baptist Church, Grace Methodist Church, or New Life Presbyterian Church are examples of churches to avoid. After all, you’re looking for an organic, custom-fit experience, not a stuffy old denomination. If the church meets you halfway with a name like Hurricane of Life Baptist, proceed, but with caution.

Speaking of Baptists, this would be a good time to get into some specifics about denominations. There are several denominations to choose from. So let’s break down what each of them has in store for you.

If you do decide to go with a Baptist church, it’s certainly a noble heritage. Baptist churches have been around since, well, John the Baptist. It’s right in his name. This means that Baptist churches have literally been around since before the New Testament, so you know you’re going to please God by attending one of His elect church denominations.

Be warned, however, that Baptist churches come with a lot of rules, even though you do get really great potlucks chock full of superhealthy food. First of all, you can’t consume any drink stronger than a Diet Mountain Dew within fifty feet of a Baptist church. Trust us, it’s in the church’s bylaws. Also, the closest you’re allowed to get to dancing is an awkward swaying motion during a really powerful praise chorus or hymn, and even that’s a real gray area, so be really, really careful.

If the Baptists sound too stuffy, you could try the Pentecostals, who allow you to get drunk, but only on the Holy Spirit (it’s not as awesome as it sounds). Pentecostalism was conceived by a group of Christians who were totally high after attending a particularly groovy ABBA concert in Southern California in the fall of ’79. As a result, this denomination is totally cool with dancing, especially during worship songs, sermons, announcements, the offertory—it’s pretty much Soul Train at all times when you’re among a charismatic congregation. Just be sure to pack your own tambourine or dancing ribbon so you’ll fit right in when wild, noisy gyrations begin erupting all around you.

For those of...