ATTUNE TO YOUR CHILD

I came to understand that a parent's pain is alleviated when they choose to divorce and get away from each other. But I also discovered that their pain is inadvertently placed onto their child and the child becomes the recipient of two people's pain. No matter how much counseling the child receives or how well the parents handle the process, their pain is transferred to their child. It is ultimately the child that has to pay for the parents' divorce.

— Parent (married eighteen years)

Parental Oversight 1

During the throes of divorce, you may tune out your children, leaving them alone to manage the separation of the family. When you are unaware of your children's needs, you may not engage in effective communication with them, missing an invaluable and critical opportunity to bond as they try to sort through their thoughts and feelings about the shake-up of divorce.

I felt horrible. No one told me. I just knew because of the fights. When my father eventually left, I knew that he would never come back to me. I felt worthless and lonely, primarily because my mother had some issues and should not have been left alone with me and my two sisters. I felt neglected by my father.

— Twenty-six-year-old (age six at the time of divorce)

It was very awkward. They brought us into the kitchen, sat us down, and they said they were separating. Who did we want to live with? We were fourteen and twelve. It was like, "Huh? What do you mean who do we want to live with?" Ridiculous.

— Fifty-one-year-old (age fourteen at the time of divorce)

[I was] totally devastated. They were always affectionate, and repeatedly assured my sister and I that we would never have to worry about them divorcing. Then they did! I felt so insecure and unsafe. I thought I had caused the divorce because I didn't make good grades and my sister and I argued sometimes. I felt abandoned because both my parents were more concerned with their personal grief than me or my sister.

— Thirty-six-year-old (age eleven at the time of divorce)

Let's try to understand what's going on inside the hearts and minds of our children by hearing how a young woman struggled with her parents' divorce throughout her life, though she was only an infant when her parents divorced.

Maya's Story (Part 1)

My parents had no idea how much their divorce affected me. I struggled with my ability to share my feelings and thoughts about what it means to have a healthy and open dialogue and relationship with them until I told them a couple years ago how I was feeling. I was in my early twenties.

To be fair, I struggled to understand the dynamic between my mother and father — how difficult the decision must have been to divorce and how it affected their own emotional well-being. I was only a baby when the divorce took place; and as I grew older, I became more aware.

I was used to dividing my weekends between my primary household, which was my mom's place, and spending time with my dad at his duplex, along with my grandparents. In hindsight, I was able to spend a significant amount of time with my grandparents, who were consistently there for my brother and me, especially when my father was not. In addition, my parents were never on good terms. Often my brother and I witnessed our parents bickering about each other in front of us; to say it was heart-wrenching is an understatement. It became worse when my father was diagnosed with severe depression.

When I attempted to talk about the divorce and my feelings, my mother shut down and all order in my life turned to chaos. Her responses echoed bitterness, resentment, and remorse as she always finished each brief exchange of dialogue with, "I'm sorry. I wish you had a better father." All of this is to say, the consequences of divorce continued well after it was finalized. Addressing these areas of concern is critical. There is strength in letting one's guard down to have a genuine conversation between parent and child concerning what's next, and in being present, not caught up in the mental cloud of divorce chaos.

— Twenty-five-year-old (age six months at the time of divorce)

We may be surprised by the insidious damage of divorce when it occurs before a child has learned to walk, or when we perceive our divorce as amicable. In the face of the family's breakdown, were Maya's parents effectively attuned to her needs? What do you think might have calmed her anguish? Did they approach the divorce in her "best interest"?

As you read this chapter, think about why children are so deeply affected by their parents' divorce. What can you do to meet your children's needs and avoid permanent scarring? Let's begin by taking a closer look at the potentially damaging side effects children of divorce face.

Children's Needs and the Impact of Divorce

Human beings are wired for attachment and the experience of love. We instinctively smile at newborns because they are magnets of affection — our smiles are a response to both their needs and our innate design for human contact. When children are isolated or deprived of their instinctive desire to connect, to relate, and to love, they implode. This implosion leads to a longing for what is not provided in the home: love and nurturance. In response to deprivation of needed contact, children often act out in isolation and search for love elsewhere. They require substantive, attentive nurturing to thrive. The supportive love of parents fuels the achievement of children's potential. By recognizing the need to relate effectively to others, to love and be loved, we impart the capacity for healthy intimacy and generosity in infants, setting the tone for how they continue to develop.

Through our actions, we further impart the ability to confront expected and unexpected challenges with resilience and understanding. Divorce can rob children of their natural developmental process and their ability to access the confidence they were given from the most important people in their lives: their parents. Their role models may be removed or preoccupied. This, we know, has lasting effects. Children who experience early traumatic stress, such as separation from a primary caregiver, are prone to long-term effects of mental and cognitive dysfunction in adulthood.

Your child's ability to overcome the potential negative impact of your...