Soldiers and Their Families in Our Midst: Who Are These People?

Love your neighbor as yourself. —Matthew 22:39

Janice sat quietly in the back of the church, her head bowed and hands clasped. She tried to focus on Pastor Jim's Memorial Day sermon about remembrance, but it was difficult to do. As she peered out over the congregants, she wondered, "How many besides me in this church have been touched by war?" She already knew of some. She glanced over at Mrs. McGonagall. Her first husband had been killed in the Korean War and as a young bride she had grieved for the lifelong marriage she would never have. Janice saw two high school boys sitting near the front of the church between their grandparents. Their mother and father were both deployed to Iraq, and they were now being raised by their grandparents, who long ago thought they were through raising kids. In the pew across the aisle sat Lisa, whose husband, Bill, had gone to Vietnam right out of high school. Bill came back wounded and confused. They had tried to rebuild their life together but it did not work. Eventually they divorced and went their separate ways.

Janice closed her eyes tight and thought of her own circumstance. Her son, Tim, had returned home from a sixteen-month tour in Afghanistan more than ten months ago. Tim's wife, Cindy, and their three young children had been anxious to get him home safe and sound. She had helped them prepare for the homecoming. They had purchased balloons and ribbons and invited family and friends to welcome him back. The children had on hero T-shirts and the tables were laden with food. But 12/6/2010it had gone off wrong from the beginning. Tim sat in a corner of the room and ate little food. He shrugged off most questions and escaped to his bedroom as soon as he could. Janice was sure it had to do with exhaustion and was confident things would get better soon.

But they had not gotten better; in fact, they had gotten worse. Tim seemed to be in a fog. He rarely talked, and when he did, it was usually to berate one of their children. He had trouble sleeping and seemed incapable of making even a small decision. He did go back to work, but that took up most of his energy. The only time he seemed energized was when he was with one of his fellow soldiers. But that lasted only as long as the visit. And then he was back to his withdrawn self.

Janice was unsure what to do. As a Christian she looked to her church for guidance and support. But did her church understand the issues facing military families? Could she go to Pastor Jim and ask him for help? And what type of help could he give? And what about Tim? Would he be willing to seek out help? And how would the church know what type of help they could offer Tim or any military family?

Janice tried to educate others on the struggles facing military families, but she soon came to realize that specific information about who service members are, why they join the military service, and the struggles they face are often met with misinformation and outright guesses. Many people listened to her but still asked the question, And who are these people?

Who are these people? can often be followed up with a silent question, And why should we care? Why should Americans care about soldiers and their families? And specifically why should church people care about them? Military service members make up less than one-half of 1 percent of our population. In most communities this translates into very few service members attending our churches.

And yet soldiers are our neighbors, even though many of us see military families as a subculture with whom we have little connection or interest in becoming acquainted. Jesus' parable of the good Samaritan, found in Luke 10:30-37, talks about a man on a journey who was accosted by thieves, beaten, robbed, and left for dead. In the narrative one person after another passed him without helping him, either being too busy to stop or fearful of what obligations would be involved if they did stop. It wasn't that they did not love their neighbors—just not this neighbor, this person they did not know or understand.

The Samaritan, in contrast, stopped and helped the wounded man. Confronted with need, this man opened himself up to helping someone whom he did not know and who was different from himself. In the end he went to great lengths and expense to help someone in need.

Helmut Thielike, a German Lutheran theologian, in his book The Waiting Father reminds us that the essence of this parable is that "our neighbor chooses us" (not that we choose our neighbors) as he or she lies beaten and broken and in need beside the road we walk. Thielike asks, "To whom am I a neighbor? Who is laid at my door? Who is expecting help from me and looks upon me as his neighbor?" (Thielike, 1959, p. 168).

Many soldiers and their family members may be like the man beside the road, in need of us being "neighborly to them in Jesus' name." But to help means we need to have a degree of understanding. Pastors and lay leaders need to be sensitive to the struggles found within their congregations and communities, whether it is alcoholism, divorce, loneliness, or broken relationships. While church leaders cannot be expected to solve all of their congregants' problems, they can be expected to have a broader understanding so that they can minister more effectively.

This book, Beyond the Yellow Ribbon: Ministering to Returning Combat Veterans, enables readers to have a deeper understanding and appreciation of some significant struggles soldiers and their families face. But understanding is not enough. Understanding must directly translate into helping others. Churches have a mission to reach out to the lost, the lonely, and the hurting. And as they reach out to help others, they will find soldiers and their families in need of services and support. This book will help you offer that support.

They Are Us

There is a military myth that states, "The military takes care of its own." The premise for this myth is that soldiers, airmen, marines, sailors, and coast guard personnel are part of a bigger system that excludes civilians and embraces service members. The idea is that when a recruit signs up to serve, the recruit gets a new family in the bargain. The idea is that this new family will take care of the service member's needs. It very rarely works out that way.

The military does indeed provide amenities to its service members. They are paid a salary. They receive training for their MOS (military operation specialty). They are fed and provided uniforms. They are given housing. But that does not mean that every issue is addressed or cared for. And it does not mean...