Introduction

Pastors must minister in a variety of settings. Each setting, whether it is a hospital room, jail, nursing home, funeral home, parishioner's home, or pastor's study, is different. Each setting brings its own unique dilemmas and rules. Even the pastor's authority will vary according to the setting, as will the expectations of the pastor and those to whom he or she is called minister. But in all settings at all times, good pastoring requires being in relationship. While many pastors and some traditions hold that the most important gift and skill for a pastor is preaching, I, as a preacher reared in a strong preaching tradition, suggest that a sermon is only as effective as it is relational. That is, a sermon can only be effective if it is communicated, and communication comes about only when people are in a relationship.

I have personally known a number of pastors several years ago for which preaching was not their strongest gift, to put it kindly. I wondered how they could be so effective in their pastoral ministry, especially in traditions where preaching is held in high regard. I have come to learn that the secret of their success was the fact that they had solid, Christ-centered relationships with their people. Over the years they established such good relationships that the congregants tolerated their preaching shortcomings and loved them anyway. Whatever the pastor says or does, it is all about relationship, whether we are talking about relationship with God, relationship with believers within the church, or relationship with the world. But the parameters of the relationship are often defined by the setting.

I grew up in a home where affection was not demonstrated very often (I remember my mother hugging me only once in my life). My father was a pastor and ours was a very strict home. I accepted Christ at age five; I had to do it three more times before they took me seriously enough to baptize me. Shortly thereafter, when I requested the opportunity to preach, I was taken seriously at first and a time was set for me to do it. I had been preaching in the backyard for two years already, and a community delegation had come to my house asking my parents to stop me from preaching. My parents never said a word about it to me until I was ordained at twenty-four.

Like my father, I was very conservative and judgmental as I preached around the state of Indiana as a boy. By the time I was fourteen, I realized that I was not going to save the whole world as a preacher. I was already counseling with teens and parents about relationship issues, and I wanted to become a psychologist. After completing a bachelor's degree in psychology, I began studying counseling in graduate school. It was then that I became aware that psychologists often observed clients from a distance, at least in comparison to pastoral counseling. So when I entered seminary the next year, I set my major in pastoral care and counseling.

My first big lesson in counseling was to be aware of my feelings and the role feelings played in people's lives. I did not know that I had feelings for the most part; I thought when I stuffed them away they left. My next great learning was the value and the power of relationship. After six years of training in pastoral care and counseling and a lot of experience, I acquired three national certifications as chaplain, counselor, and educator of chaplains clinical pastoral education, CPE supervisor), and received a license as a marriage and family therapist and social worker. have worked in the field for more than twenty-five years and attended and led seminars and workshops nationally and internationally. I have enjoyed traveling extensively and providing leadership as president of the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education (ACPE), the association that certified me to pastoral care. I have published several articles in the field have mentored several doctoral students in pastoral care.

I now direct a doctorate of ministry program at an up-and-coming seminary in Detroit and pastor a church northwest of Detroit. Although I have retired from fulltime pastoral care and supervision, I still supervise CPE students and see a few clients for counseling. During my entire institutional ministry I have always remained very involved in the parish, either as pastor or assistant I have mentored many parish pastors and counseled many and their spouses. I enjoy retreat ministry and have had memorable experiences as I continue to do that ministry. In of the different ministries I do and have done, I find that the necessity is relationship. People need relationship, especially these days when phone conversations have been replaced email; cell phones keep us from meeting new people as we because we continue to talk to ones we already know; and electronic technology allows students to study at a distance, so relationships that use to be established in the classroom do not happen. We need relationship; without it there is no trust. These is no container or structure to talk about all the feelings we to talk about.

One of my mentors shared with me what his mentor shared him: "The only responsibility of the therapist is to show up the appointed place and the appointed time and collect the I shuddered when I first heard that. How cold can you be to up and collect the fee? After years of reflection and experience I know what he was saying: people need someone they can trust to be there for them when they say they will be. Life is so uncertain and people are so disappointing that to be there where and when you agreed to be there is worth the fee if nothing else happens. When the minister keeps the appointment it says everything that needs to be said about the relationship. It is integrity, which is the most basic aspect of any relationship. All else that may be achieved is icing on the cake.

Recently, one of my clinical pastoral education (CPE) students, who is and has been a sensitive and caring pastor for years, reported, "Before CPE I just helped people any way I could; if a relationship happened, good, if not, well I just did the best I could. But now, since I know the value of intentionally building pastoral relationships and have learned some skills in how to develop these relationships in different settings, my ministry has improved by leaps and bounds." Too many pastors simply assume relationship just happens and that the setting is of no consequence.

Nothing could be further from the truth. If pastoral skills are tools that are used to give support and guidance to someone needing help, relationship is the box in which the tools are carried and the setting is like the worktable. If technique is the gasoline that powers, then the setting is the engine, and relationship the oil that allows the parts to move smoothly to facilitate healing. If verbal and nonverbal communications are the ingredients, the setting is the pastoral-sustaining bread, and relationship the yeast that makes it rise, making it light and delicious.

In this book we will look at the pastor in several different settings of his or her ministry, including the...