Whining: 3 Steps to Stop It Before the Tears and Tantrums Start - Softcover

Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Audrey Ricker, PhD, is a mother and a teacher who has worked with children of all ages, including high school and college students.

Cynthia Crossen has been a reporter and editor at The Wall Street Journal since 1983. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband and son.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

Chapter One: The Definition of Whining

When adults are asked to define whining the answers usually sound like this:

"The begging that drives me crazy..."

"Crying and whimpering that makes me feel sorry for them..."

"Once it starts, I know it's not going to stop until I give in..."

What these parents are doing is describing what whining is like for them. They know that it upsets their equilibrium and that they feel manipulated. What parents need to understand is that whining is a technique children use to get their way. It is as simple as that -- and it is manipulative. Adults feel embarrassed, like Dan in the opening example, and defeated -- and often get very angry and resentful, especially when the children whine in public.

Here are examples of how children whine:

• Nagging or irritating tone of voice
  
  
• Self-pitying words and phrases designed to make parents feel inadequate ("Everybody else has these shoes, why can't I? I'll look funny. Kids will laugh at me.")
  
  
• Contorted or sad facial expressions, tears, and sniffling
  
  
• Body language (slumped shoulders, heads down, pleading hand gestures)
  
  
• Loud, incessant demands (especially in public where the child knows that others are watching and parents are likely to give in, to avoid a scene)
  

How Whining Gets Started

Children are not born knowing how to whine. But they usually hit upon it at an early age. They hear older brothers and sisters, children on television, or friends at preschool whining -- and sometimes they even hear it from Mom and Dad.

Among adults, whining usually takes the guise of complaints like "Look at all I've done for you, and I'm just asking you to do this one little thing for me..." Children try it themselves and quickly find out that whining works -- especially if they keep it up for a long enough time. They know parents will wear down and cave in!

Andrea is the mother of Katie, age three, and Kurt, age six. While Kurt is busily involved in school and soccer, little Katie is involved in whining just about all the time. Whenever her mother leaves the room or tries to put her down, Katie begins to whimper and complain.

"I don't want you to think I don't play with my daughter, but I can't even get a load of laundry out of the dryer without Katie whining. It makes me feel awful." Andrea sighs. "My pediatrician says she is having separation anxiety and will outgrow it in time, but I just can't stand the whining."

Andrea and her husband are particularly disappointed because they spent much of last summer doing special things with Katie in an attempt to lighten her moods and make her cheerful. They went to the beach and ZOO and played lots of games, but Katie whined her way through it all. She was unable to enjoy anything unless Andrea was right there with her, giving her 100 percent of her attention. "I couldn't even speak to anyone else without Katie whimpering," Andrea confides.

Andrea thinks that she must have neglected Katie in her infancy somehow, and that is what has made this child so dependent. "Maybe I spent too much time with Kurt and she was hurt by that," she muses. Andrea also wonders if the truth is just that she is a failure at mothering two children.

She notes that her neighbor has three children, including a daughter who is Katie's age and who rarely whines. Andrea wonders what people think. "I'll be having this great conversation with my neighbor in the backyard and it starts. Katie wants me to pick her up. I feel ashamed for having such a needy child."

Andrea also feels resentment. "I do so much for Katie. I cater to her most of the time. I can't even get away for a movie once in a while, because she goes into a total meltdown when I try to walk out the door."

The Negative Effects of Whining on Parents and Children

Katie whines to get her way. She has adopted what we refer to as a "mistaken" way of belonging. Children, like all of us, need to feel that they have a place of significance in the home -- and will find that place through either constructive or destructive means.

Whining makes Katie feel important and powerful, and she has learned to belong in this family by being the whimpering, dependent child, forever the "baby" of the family. Our chapter on contribution will explain how important it is that your children be encouraged to find a place through behaviors such as helping, assuming responsibilities, and thinking of others.

For right now, suffice it to say that Katie rules the roost with her "weakness." Whining works for her in that she gets what she wants and feels powerful. It is quite heady for a child to be able to elicit exasperation, anger, retaliation and, finally, giving in from a grown-up.

Katie will continue to whine and control in her bid for power and attention as long as her parents reinforce her behavior with the wrong responses.

For Katie, the ability to provoke her parents is a sign of her power. She finds a place in the family by controlling others. Katie knows at some level that her mother has doubts about what to do, and she exploits her mother's lack of confidence by appearing weak and dependent.

When Andrea gives in, she's responding not just to Katie's "tyranny of weakness" but also to her own self-doubts about her ability as a parent. Don't get us wrong -- we are not saying that Katie is deliberately thinking about and using these misbehaviors for the purpose of feeling powerful and important. She has merely hit upon these behaviors that bring her these powerful feelings, and so she repeats them as long as they work. That is why parental response is so important.

If allowed to continue, Katie's "mistaken" way of belonging can follow her into adulthood, becoming part of her basic approach to life. Manipulation of others through whining and a need to be the center of attention may hinder her success in all areas of life and will harm her chances to create mature, lasting relationships.

She may spend a lifetime feeling victimized by others because she never learned to be independent and forthright. Worse yet, she never learned to have empathy for others.

Other Dangers of Whining

Whining isn't something that goes away on its own. You do your child a great disservice when you think of whining as "only a stage" the child is going through. The effects of whining may be long-term and destructive to every member of the family. Here's why:

• Whining is contagious! When one child in the family starts, and it works, the others will try it, too. Older sister wants a snack, but Mother says no because dinner's almost ready. The younger siblings take up the cry: "We're hungry, too...why can't we eat...give me a cookie...I don't want to wait...I'm so hungry right now."
  
  
• Whining can lead to self-pity, seriously immobilizing the child when trying new things. "I don't want to play soccer...I'm no good...I can't do it...you're mean to make me."
  
  
• Whining can lead to the belief that the child is a "loser," because parents may buy into the youngster's "neediness" and dependency, seeing the child as "less" than other children. This self-fulfilling prophecy can foster weakness and vulnerability in the child's own self-perception. "Bobby's not like other children...he gets his feelings hurt...I have to protect him from other children...that game's too rough...he'll get hurt." Worse yet, the child may harbor deep resentment toward the parents because of these low opinions they express about the child's abilities.
  
  
• Whining doesn't get better. If ignored, it just turns into rebellion and even more destructive behavior. "You told me I could go...now you're saying I can't...I'm going...