The Mourning Handbook: The Most Comprehensive Resource Offering Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping with All Aspects of Death and Dying - Softcover

Fitzgerald, Helen

 
9780684801612: The Mourning Handbook: The Most Comprehensive Resource Offering Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping with All Aspects of Death and Dying
Softcover
ISBN 10: 0684801612 ISBN 13: 9780684801612
Verlag: Touchstone, 1995

Inhaltsangabe

Helen Fitzgerald, author of The Grieving Child, has compiled a guide to help readers practically and emotionally grieve the death of loved ones.

No one should be left to grieve alone. Even with the help of friends and family, grieving the death of a loved one can be a complex, sometimes overwhelming, process. The Mourning Handbook is written as a companion to those mourners in need of practical and emotional assistance during the trying times before and after the death of a loved one.

Having counseled thousands of people who have experienced loss, Helen Fitzgerald gives special attention to the complex emotions that can accompany especially traumatic situations, such as when a loved one has been murdered, when there have been multiple deaths, when a body has not been recovered, or when the mourner has been the inadvertent cause of death.

Designed to conform to the special needs of the bereaved, The Mourning Handbook is written and organized in an accessible style punctuated by real stories of people who have experienced every kind of loss. With many subchapters and cross references, it can be consulted for a specific problem or read at length.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Helen Fitzgerald is an author and lecturer certified in thanatology by the Association for Death Education and Counseling. For twenty-three years she was the coordinator of the Grief Program for Mental Health Services in Fairfax County, Virginia, where she conducted many groups for adults, as well as for grieving children ranging from preschool age through the high school years. In July 2000 she retired from that position and then served as the director of training for the American Hospice Foundation. Her books include The Grieving Child, The Mourning Handbook, and The Grieving Teen.

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Chapter 1

FACTS ABOUT GRIEF

Let's begin by providing you with some basic information that you need to have about this little-understood human experience.

1.1 Definitions

Grief

If you are grieving, you are familiar with the feeling, but what is grief exactly? Webster's New World Dictionary gives as its primary definition "intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc.; acute sorrow; deep sadness."

Grief is the emotion experienced by Darlene, a young client of mine who had flown home for a surprise visit on her mother's birthday, only to learn at the airport that her mother had died a few hours earlier. Darlene's sudden feelings of disbelief, panic, and anger are part of what we call grief, and it is what you may be experiencing right now.

Mourning

Mourning, on the other hand, is defined by the same dictionary as "the actions or feelings of someone who mourns; specifically, the expression of grief at someone's death." The key words here are actions and expression. When an uncle told Darlene of her mother's death, she fell into his arms, weeping hysterically. She was mourning her mother's death. Her mourning continued as she cried with her family, expressed her anger, discharged her feelings of regret for not coming sooner, and took part in the wake and funeral. When you are expressing your grief, you are mourning.

Although grief is most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, it can be experienced whenever there is an important loss in one's life, such as the loss of eyesight or hearing, a sharp decline in one's health, marital separation and divorce, or the loss of one's job. In all these cases mourning is an appropriate and often necessary response. If you have suffered a particularly severe loss, you may need to mourn just as much as someone who has lost a loved one. While this book focuses on the grief following a death, it can be helpful in dealing with other losses as well.

1.2 When Does Grief Begin?

Grief can begin whenever there is a loss or a perception of impending loss, but the three most common occasions are:

a. the time of diagnosis of a terminal illness,

b. the time of death, and

c. the time of learning about the death of a loved one.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but your husband has brain cancer and it is inoperable," the hope for a cure changes to the prospect of impending death for the loved one, and the emotions of grief are likely to begin.

Sometimes grief begins at the time of death. At the moment that one's wife slumps over in her chair, has no pulse, and fails to respond to resuscitation, the realization that she is dead triggers the emotion of grief.

Grief may also begin at the time one learns about a loved one's death, whenever that might be. A young man whose mother was estranged from the family had rare, treasured contacts with her. Because of his mother's life-style of moving frequently, there wasn't an address or telephone where he could reach her, and he had to depend on her contacting him. When she died in an auto accident, it was several weeks before the family was notified of her death. His grief began when he got the belated news.

1.3 How Long Does Grief Last?

Since grief is painful, you undoubtedly want to know how long you will have to endure this powerful emotion. Pain is generally more tolerable if we know it's going to end sometime.

A shorthand answer concerning the duration of grief is that it will take as long as it needs to take. It will take longer for some people than others, depending on the nature of their relationship to the deceased, the circumstances of the death, their support systems, how they cope with adversity, what else is going on in their lives, and the resources they have available to them.

A young man called me one day to say that he was worried about his mother. His father had died and he was wondering just how long his mother would be acting so upset. I asked him how long his father had been dead and he replied, "Two weeks." When I responded, "That's not very long," he asked, "Well, will she be better in two months?" Once again I had to say, "That's not a very long time." He seemed disappointed that grief can't be put on a fast track.

You may encounter loving and well-meaning friends who hate to see you hurt and want to see your mourning end. They may not understand that the worst thing you can do is to try to shut off or deny these powerful feelings. Often these are people who have never experienced the death of a loved one and don't yet comprehend the function and importance of mourning. If you have friends pushing you in this direction, simply tell them that you can recover from your grief but that you need time to work it out; when you have done so, you expect to be back on track again. (See Chapter 10, "A Friend in Need.")

Although your grief can be expected to last a relatively long time -- from a few months to several years -- it won't always be the all-encompassing feeling of despair that you are feeling now. Commonly grief is sporadic. You will have good days as well as bad days. You may catch yourself laughing, perhaps guiltily, at a friend's joke, and then, moments later, bursting into tears when you hear a nostalgic song that reminds you of your loved one.

At some point your grief will end, but this doesn't mean that there will ever be an end to your sense of loss. A father whose son had died a quarter century earlier said, "If I were an actor on stage and needed to produce tears, I would only have to think of my son to cry." This father is a happy man leading a full and productive life, but the memory of his son and of the pain of his death will always be with him. You can expect your grief to pass, but this won't mean forgetting your loved one.

"Time will heal" is a common saying. Part of it is true, and part is myth. Time will aid in recovery from grief, but it is time that needs to be used well. Time spent frantically running from grief -- traveling, perhaps, or visiting relatives, keeping ever busy with never a moment to think about one's loss -- will not help. Eventually, you will run out of places to go or things to do, and at that point you will have to face the void created by the death of your loved one. On the other hand, if you use your time to mourn your loss, to adjust to a different kind of life, and to get acquainted with your now somewhat altered (maybe greatly altered) identity, healing will occur faster.

You may feel that your grief is unique. You are right, it is unique; the circumstances of your life will make it so. There is no standard recipe for grief that will apply to your situation. However, there are factors that will influence the length of your grief, and you can gain some reassurance from knowing what they are. (See Chapter 6, "Differences That Matter.")

Age of the Deceased

The younger the person is who died the more difficult it is likely to be to mourn that death. It seems unnatural in the scheme of life for a child to die, just as it seems unfair for a young adult to die just when life's adventure is about to begin. On the other hand, when an elderly person dies, one may feel some comfort in knowing that the person had lived a long and productive life. (See section 6.1 for discussion on old age, 6.7 on grandparents, and 6.14 on children.)

Cause of Death

When loved ones know in advance that death is approaching, they may experience much of their grief long before the actual death. Thus, they may actually feel a somewhat guilty sense of relief when the death occurs, and what grief remains may be of short duration. Alternatively, the more sudden or...

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Verlag
Touchstone
Erscheinungsdatum
1995
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
0684801612
ISBN 13 
9780684801612
Einband
Taschenbuch
Anzahl der Seiten
320
Kontakt zum Hersteller
Nicht verfügbar
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Enizelhändler
1772888517
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