Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

LINDA AND RICHARD EYRE'S Teaching Your Children Values if the first parenting book to reach the #1 spot on the New York Times Book Review bestseller list since Dr. Benjamin Spock's Baby and Child Care.

RICHARD, a Havard-trained management consultant, and LINDA, a musician and teacher, have advocated strong families and balanced life styles in major national media ranging from "Oprah" and "Donahue" to "The 700 Club" and from The Washington Post to USA Today, as well as through their international parent's cooperative organization, HOMEBASE, and as the hosts of the national cable TV show "Families Are Forever."

The Eyres, who were named by President Reagan during the 1980s to direct the White House Conference on Children and Parents, live with their nine children in Salt Lake City, Utah, and Washington, D.C.

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Teaching Your Children Responsibility
By Linda and Richard Eyre

Fireside

Copyright © 1982 Deseret Book Company.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 0-671-88716-5

Chapter 10

Responsibility for Smaller Children

The point at which older children start becoming part of the solution ratherthan part of the problem is the point at which families move into a higher realmof calmness and order.

The goal of good parents is to turn children into good parents.

A. Definition and Illustration

About the time they turn eight, most children experience strong desires to beginthe transition from child to adult. They want to be treated as adults, to havethe opportunities of adults; and, while they probably won't admit it, they wantsome of the responsibilities of adults. One of the clearest and mostdemonstrable ways to separate them from little children is to give them someresponsibilities for smaller children in the family.

The old adage "You don't really learn until you teach" has great merit. Bymolding your older children into teachers for the younger ones, you do threethings: (1) lighten your load; (2) let the younger ones be taught morethan you could teach them on your own; and (3) bring about the ultimate learningexperience for the older children, who learn by teaching.

Todd and Sally had always wanted a large family, and their circumstances werecomfortable enough to allow it. They lived in a rural area with lots of space.Todd's salary was adequate to support a large family. Sally bore childreneasily. They had six children in eight years. And their children were bright,precocious, and strong willed.

Just lately, the responsibilities for so many children had really caught up withTodd and Sally. Demands for time and attention often seemed physicallyimpossible. Just sitting at the dinner table and trying to talk all at once tothe four who could talk, in between feeding and changing the two little ones,was a harrowing experience. Todd and Sally needed help. Six small children fortwo adults to handle seemed overwhelming.

One night while they were out to dinner, a new and different idea occurred toTodd and Sally. Though they were trying not to think about the children, thepressure of the six-to-two ratio kept coming up in their conversation.

"You know, if we could just turn one of those kids into an adult, take one awayfrom their side and add one to our side, it would be five to three not nearlysuch bad odds." Todd was doing some mental meandering, just thinking out loud.

Sally kept the thought going. "Well, Judith is eight. She's old enough to takesome responsibility. Maybe we ought to recruit her over to our side-tell herthat from now on she's on our team and shares the adult responsibilities."

Todd, a stockbroker, became intrigued with the numbers. Hey, in ten more months,Terry will be eight. If we can recruit him too, we would even up the battle withfour to a side!"

What started off as a rambling and only half-serious thought became moreimportant and more feasible as they discussed it.

Later that week, they sat down to discuss the situation with Judith. They madeit seem like a graduation. They congratulated Judith for reaching a point ofmaturity where she could become one of the three "grown-ups" in the family. Theytold her that she would now be included in lots of new things: she would beincluded in the special weekly planning meeting that Mom and Dad always held;she would be able to stay up for an extra half hour each night; she would beable to sit with the grown-ups instead of the children at Thanksgiving dinnerand other times when relatives came over; and she would be able to start takingcare of the other children more, just as Mom and Dad did.

Judith was thrilled and proud. She took on a slightly different demeanor fromthat moment; she seemed to stand a little taller, to look a little older.

The next morning at breakfast when things got a little wild, Sally asked Judithto change the baby instead of trying to do it herself. When Billy needed helpfinding his shoes, Judith did it. When everyone talked at once, Sally told someof them to ask their questions of Judith instead of her. That evening Todd andSally, with Judith's help, put the other children to bed and left Judith tobaby-sit while they went out for a while. Actually, they didn't go far, and theycame back at least once to peek in the window and see how things were going, butthey did go out, and they did leave Judith in charge.

With meaningful looks and warm words, they praised Judith for her new role. Theythanked her and let her know honestly and sincerely that she was making theirlives happier.

They also prodded the children to say thank you to their big sister more often.

It worked. The ratio was five to three. And a few months later it was four tofour. But nine more months later it was five to four-the children wereahead again.

B. Methods

1. Helping younger siblings to change clothes. (To help small childrenfeel the satisfaction of helping the still smaller ones.)

One of the earliest opportunities for children to help their younger brothersand sisters comes in the clothes-changing area. A four-year-old who can dresshimself can also help a two-year-old get dressed. With a lavish amount of praiseas their reward, it is amazing how much children enjoy offering and giving thishelp.

Making it into a race can keep this activity interesting. One evening you mightsay to your four-year-old son, Jason, "Let's time you and see how fast you canget your pajamas on and be back out here in the living room. You'll need to putyour clothes away in the drawer, too. Ready, set, go!"

After the fun of setting and breaking records is established, say, "Okay, Jason,tonight I think you're old enough to try a new kind of record. Let's see howlong it takes both you and Jimmy to get your pajamas on. Okay, Jimmy? Jason,you'll have to help Jimmy a lot. Can you do it?"

The praise has to be increased for this double accomplishment. Jason needs tofeel not only the satisfaction of getting something done fast, but also of beingbig enough to help his little brother do it. Say such things as, "You know,Jason, I think you got Jimmy ready faster than I could have."

Remember to praise Jimmy, too, so that he will continue to be cooperative in thejoint venture.

2. The "buddy system." (To help children feel responsibility at certaintimes for their younger brothers and sisters, and to keep from losing one ofthem when you are in a public place.)

In a large family, let the children pair off with each other as buddies so thatthey stay in twos and don't get split off or lost in public places. In a smallerfamily, an older child can be assigned to a younger one. In either case, the keyis to emphasize the responsibility of the older child in the pair and to givegenerous praise after the fact for the good job he has done.

3. Teaching opportunities. (To develop children's teaching skills and toallow them to feel their ability to mold and influence their younger brothersand sisters.)

Try saying something like this: "Jared, I've been noticing how much Timmyfollows your example. He does everything you do. He really looks up to you. Iguess a nine-year-old is pretty big to a four-year-old. I think you can reallyhelp me with something. You see, Timmy just cannot seem to learn to keep hiscloset straight. His shoes are always left out or just thrown in. If he were inthe same room as you, he'd see how neat you are and then do the same. Since heisn't, he doesn't have a good example. I've tried to teach him, but I think youcould do it better than I. Would you teach Timmy how to arrange his closet soit's neat and tidy, and would you teach him to keep it that way? Thanks, son, Ireally appreciate it. It's surely nice to have a boy as big and as helpful asyou!"

4. Paid baby-sitting (To help children feel and accept the same kind ofresponsibility that they have seen their babysitters accepting.)

Most children have observed, over the years, the responsible position of theirbaby-sitters. Babysitters receive instructions from parents and have authority;they are important. Telling a nine- or ten-year-old that he is old enough tobaby-sit can generate real excitement. Phrase it in a totally positive andcomplimentary way: "Baby-sitting is usually only for older children, and it doespay money. Since we have a very responsible child in our family who is growingup so fast, we thought we might let you start baby-sitting a little earlier thanmost."

Give clear, simple instructions. Leave a telephone number where you can bereached. If you will not be close by, leave the number of a neighbor with whomyou have made previous arrangements.

Pay the child a small hourly wage as soon as you get home, and accompany it witha great deal of praise.

An occasional baby-sitting experience in which a child feels completeresponsibility for his younger brothers and sisters will greatly increase theresponsibility he feels for them from day to day.

5. "Simon Says" game and discussion. (To impress upon older children howmuch of what they do influences the behavior of their little brothers andsisters.)

Play "Simon Says" with the children. Let the older children be Simon most of thetime.

When the game is over, take the older ones aside and discuss what the littlechildren did when no one said "Simon says." Bring up examples of the smallerchildren following them, in good things as well as bad. Use the wordresponsibility often in your discussion.

6. Your interaction with older children. (To dramatize the differencesin your family between the younger children and the older "responsibilitytakers.")

Many parents adopt a particular way of talking to children. It is usually aloving way, involving slower speech and smaller words, perhaps a littlepatronizing, and sometimes using baby talk. Often we stay with that style ofcommunicating when our children are too old for it.

When speaking with your children who are old enough to have been given someresponsibility for the others, make a conscious, obvious change. Speak to themas you would an adult. Talk at a normal rate, in a normal tone, with normalexpression. The difference is often quite noticeable. Children will respond. Asin everything, they will live up to your expectation and recognition of theirmaturity, communicated not so much by what you say but by how you say it.

7. "Parenthood training." (To strengthen children's desire to acceptmore responsibility for siblings.)

Since you are their parent, one of the most complimentary things you can say toyour children is that you think they will someday be good parents.

If they balk at the responsibilities you are giving them for their brothers andsisters, remind them that they too will someday be mothers and fathers, and thatthe things they do for the other children help not only the little children, buthelp them also in getting ready to be good parents themselves.

Obviously, parents can carry this too far and put too much responsibility onchildren. Sometimes the oldest child in a family is given too muchresponsibility, the others too little.

8. "Tutors." (To cause children to feel responsibility for a youngerchild for an extended period.)

At the beginning of the month, take an older child aside and say something likethis: "Jerry, there are two or three things that Stevie really needs help on.Since he looks up to you so much, we thought you might be the one to help him.He needs to learn to keep his room cleaner, and he needs to mind Mom better. Wewould like to give you a challenge. It's the first of November today. ByThanksgiving, let's see if you can help him to be better on both things."

Talk about how Jerry can do it. Discuss the importance of example, as well ashow he might remind Stevie. Discuss how he might bring Stevie into his own roomand proudly show him how clean it is. Give Jerry a lot of helpful ideas and thenpraise him and remind him often as the month passes.

Once children begin to learn to discipline themselves, a wonderful thinghappens: they become capable of being responsible for others. This is anecessary and joyous transition for many families.

We discovered the joys of this transition when our oldest daughter was aboutsix. She had been taught using the methods in Teaching Children Joy as we wrotethe book and tried its ideas on her. One day we found her out in the woodsbeside our house teaching her little brother and sister about the joy of theearth. She didn't know we were listening. In her own sweet way she told them allabout the beautiful autumn leaves. She pointed out the joy of the squirrels inthe tree, the design m the tree bark, and the sound of the birds, all in a verymeaningful and clear manner.

You never really know how much of what you teach your children is beinginternalized until you hear it come out again. We felt exhilarated-as though wewere watching a baby's first step, only better.

Opportunities should be sought every day to find ways for children to teach.Encourage them to prepare special family presentations on a topic of theirchoice, complete with visual aids. You'll be amazed at their creativity andeffectiveness.

C. Family Focal Point: The Age-Eight Transition

When our children turn eight, they undergo the "passage" aspects that we havereferred to earlier, and three rather clear and regular manifestations of theirnew position begin almost immediately:

1. Paid baby-sitting. In our case, they have been waiting for thisopportunity and know that it is not only a chance to earn money, but a sign thatthey have become part of the adult side of our family.

2. Teaching time. Once a week we try to get all of the family togetherfor stories or a brief lesson on something we feel is important. We have aparticular way of handling this time that we think helps our older childrenaccept responsibility for the younger ones. We call it "pass-it-along-teaching."

We take our older children (those over the age of eight) and have a separatemeeting with them while the smaller children play. We teach the idea or tell thestory we have prepared in an adult way. Then we assign each of the older ones toteach the lesson to the younger ones. We then convene as a family, with parentsserving only to keep things organized and the little ones attentive while theolder children teach.

3. Executive session portion of "weekly sessions." As discussed earlier,we devote some time each week to planning the coming week. One segment of thistime, held in the evening, is the adult part. Originally it was just for theparents, coordinating our own weekly schedules and discussing our objectives forthe week ahead. As some of the children got older, we began to include them andto devote some of the time to talking about the smaller children, what theirspecial needs were, and how we could help them. It still surprises us how muchinsight our older children have about their little brothers and sisters.

We also sometimes take the older children along for a "four-facet review" of thesmaller ones (see chapter 5).

Excerpted from Teaching Your Children Responsibility by Linda and Richard Eyre. Copyright © 1982 by Deseret Book Company. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.