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If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever - Softcover

Page, Susan

 
9780609809099: If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever
Softcover
ISBN 10: 0609809091 ISBN 13: 9780609809099
Verlag: Harmony/Rodale/Convergent, 2002

Inhaltsangabe

Susan Page’s bestselling relationship book has been translated into 18 languages, is being read in more than 25 countries, and its mass-market edition has sold more than 158,000 copies. At the heart of this book are Page’s famed 10 strategies for readers to better self-understanding and ultimately a fulfilling relationship. Filled with revealing anecdotes, case studies, and quizzes, the book’s down-to- earth guidance will appeal to everyone who devoured books like Mars and Venus on a Date and Getting the Love You Want, and anyone who wants a fulfilling intimate relationship.

"Behold a wonder–a romantic self-help book that is intelligent, upbeat, practical, useful, winning, and even wise." –Kirkus Reviews

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Susan Page, who holds a Master’s of Divinity degree, founded and directed the first university-based human sexuality program at the University of California at Berkeley. Since 1980 she has devoted herself full-time to writing about relationships and working with both couples and singles. She is the author of three other books, including the recently published follow-up If We’re So In Love, Why Aren’t We Happy? Susan Page lives in Berkeley, California.

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Chapter 1

The First Strategy:

Examine Your Hidden

Ambivalence

Wishful thinking has not brought you love.

Neither has apathy, depression, denial, anger, panic, analyzing the problem, blaming the opposite sex, or cursing the bleak demographics.

So if you still want love in your life, the question is, what will bring you love?

Perseverance.

The way to achieve any goal is first to know what the goal is and then to proceed unswervingly toward it, patiently but persistently overcoming any obstacles which present themselves-with perseverance, tenacity, and determination.

Yet in spite of all our obsessing about the state of relationships today, perseverance is one of the rarest qualities to be found among singles. We've all heard about the tortoise and the hare, but we failed to learn the lesson of the tortoise. Instead, we dash about like the hare, trying relationships that don't work, tormenting ourselves with theories, believing our excuses, following one false lead, then another, and finally, like the hare, simply falling asleep in the middle of the race.

Why?

Why do we long for love, yet fail to proceed in a determined fashion toward this goal? Why do we get sidetracked?

Ambivalence is one major reason. We aren't sure which race we want to be in or whether we want to be in any race at all.

Is love worth it?

Am I better off alone?

Is there anyone out there I could even tolerate?

Will I lose my independence?

Will I be too vulnerable?

Will I have to compromise too much?

Will my career suffer?

This book is about perseverance. But we can't talk about staying in the race until we talk about whether to race at all. That is the main stumbling block for most singles: not getting what we want in love, but knowing what we want. We keep ourselves from moving forward because we aren't sure which way we want to move.

The most important prerequisite for finding a satisfying intimate relationship is wanting one. Wholeheartedly, genuinely, earnestly, single-mindedly, and without reservation.

If you sincerely want an intimate partner, you are already beyond the roughest hurdle. But if you aren't altogether certain, then you need to take a close look at the issue of ambivalence and how to move beyond it.

Involuntary singles fall into two categories: singles who want a relationship but haven't met the right person yet; and singles who, whether consciously or unconsciously, are ambivalent. Distinguishing between the two types is difficult because their language is identical. Both kinds say, "I really want a wonderful relationship in my life." But the first type really means it. And the second type, as it turns out, doesn't. What the second type actually means is something more like, I want a relationship, but equally or more important to me is

onot having to take risks

oprogressing in my career

ohanging on to my great lifestyle

oavoiding pain

okeeping my secrets to myself

oproving I'm right that the opposite sex is the problem.

The ambivalent person is one who wants a relationship but who values something else equally-or more. The competing value will demand allegiance and will surreptitiously sabotage anything that stands in its way-like love.

Some singles are well aware of their ambivalence. They make statements like these:

oI want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to give up all I love about being single.

oI want to be in love, but I'm afraid of losing control.

oI'm torn between my career and my love life.

oMy lover is wonderful, but maybe I can do better.

oI want to be married, but I'm terrified of another divorce.

oI'm afraid what I'll gain won't be worth what I'll have to give up.

Ambivalence is especially powerful in its ability to keep you single when it remains unconscious. Many singles genuinely believe they want a relationship and are unaware of the injunctions that rule their lives and demand total compliance: "Thou shalt not risk. Thou shalt not reveal they secrets." These rules of survival, partly because they are unconscious, are far more influential in our lives than our conscious desire for love and connection.

I received a phone call from a woman named Michelle. She knew I was interviewing people and wanted the opportunity to tell me her story. She had participated in one of my workshops six months before. Michelle told me:

I totally discounted the issue of ambivalence when you talked about it. I couldn't think of any reason why I didn't want a man in my life. I felt ready! But after your workshop, I realized that in spite of all my new determination, I still wasn't doing anything about it. Whenever I planned to go to a singles event or answer an ad, I found a reason not to. I finally realized, I hate meeting men for the first time-under any circumstance. And I think avoiding those situations-which I dread-was a higher priority for me than finding someone. When I understood that that's what was going on, it really shocked me. Now, it takes a monumental effort every time, but I am forcing myself to meet men. I still don't like it, but it's getting easier, and I feel so good that I'm doing this. The way I force myself, by the way, is I always make my plans with a woman friend. Then it's much harder to back out.

Another woman spoke up during a workshop. She was thirty-nine and had her own successful public relations firm. She reported:

I know what my competing priority is! My career, my lifestyle. I don't know how I'd fit a man in! And I'm not sure I want to. I guess that's why I'm here. I think if I could find the right man, I'd want to make a commitment to him, but finding the right man seems so remote. But then, I don't do anything to try to meet him either. Ambivalent? Who, me?

Whether conscious or unconscious, ambivalence is one of the most common and most powerful reasons why singles who would like to be in a relationship still aren't. Reluctant to relinquish the advantages of singlehood, at the same time they fear they may be missing out on something wonderful in a committed relationship. Often, they are conducting an active search for a mate while secretly hoping inside that they don't find one. Or, they may be talking about how much they want love, but doing nothing toward that end.

If you are not wholeheartedly committed to love, and if you do not hold finding love as a top priority, you may be talking and behaving as though you want love but holding back on your follow-through.

Before we talk more about ambivalence in general, let me give you the opportunity to think about your own. How certain are you about what you most want in your life? How high a priority is love for you? What are your competing priorities?

EXPERIMENT #2

Ask yourself this question: What is more compelling for you right now than finding a good relationship? List in your notebook anything in your life which seems to be a higher priority for you at this time.

With regard to each item on this list, ask yourself this question: How long will this continue to be a priority for me?

Some of your higher priorities may seem reasonable to you, and some may seem irrational. Search hard, and list everything which may be a competing priority.

To help you get started on the above experiment, here is

a sampling of responses that have been shared during my workshops:

Higher priorities for me right now than finding a relationship, and how long I expect each to be a higher priority:

Finding a job-three to six months

Paying off my debts-one year

Building my house-eighteen months

Getting my China fellowship-two years

Finishing my dissertation-six months

Not having to date and do the...

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Verlag
Harmony/Rodale/Convergent
Erscheinungsdatum
2002
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
0609809091
ISBN 13 
9780609809099
Einband
Taschenbuch
Anzahl der Seiten
348
Kontakt zum Hersteller
Nicht verfügbar
Verantwortliche Person
preigu
mail@preigu.de

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