Divorce and New Beginnings: A Complete Guide to Recovery, Solo Parenting, Co-Parenting, and Stepfamilies - Softcover

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GENEVIEVE CLAPP, PhD, is a counselor with the Superior Court of California, County of San Diego, and works exclusively with separated and divorced parents with child custody disputes, co-parenting problems, or stepfamily problems. She has worked as a divorce mediator and has taught both graduate seminars and undergraduate courses at California State University and Arizona State University.

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A timely revision of a compassionate guide to the practical and emotional aspects of divorce

The first edition of Divorce and New Beginnings helped countless men and women emerge from ruptured relationships and build new lives. Enriched with new insights uncovered by researchers and in the author′s work with over 2,000 families, this sensitive guidebook provides a wealth of proven coping skills to help you weather the difficult times and eventually build new beginnings for yourself and, if you have them, your children.

Genevieve Clapp is with you every step of the way as you deal with and recover from your divorce, addressing your daily problems and long–term concerns with a real–world practicality. Utilizing numerous case studies and coping tools, Clapp provides you with a road map of what lies ahead, including tips on navigating problematic situations such as choosing a lawyer and dealing with anger and anxiety. Geared directly to your specific needs, Divorce and New Beginnings will help you nurture healthy, committed relationships and successful stepfamilies, protect your children, and build a rewarding new life.

• Includes updated information on co–parenting and new romantic relationships
• Offers hundreds of practical suggestions and effective coping strategies based on the findings and collective insights of experts
• Features a strong focus on children and divorce, with a step–by–step guide on fostering their long–term adjustment

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The Aftermath of Marriage

Barbara, an attractive 40-year-old brunette, sat mesmerised at a divorce workshop. It was the first time she had heard about the feelings and problems that people encounter as they go through divorce. "My God," she blurted out, "you're describing my life for the past five months. I didn't know everyone felt like that." There was an immediate restlessness in the room--some nervous laughter, some mumbled comments, one or two heads nodding. "God," Barbara's voice seemed to boom, "what a relief, it's not just me!"

Over the past two decades, there has been an explosion of studies on divorce and its aftermath, providing us access to the experience of thousands who have weathered the rupture of their marriages and families. Thanks to those who have gone before you, the course of divorce is no longer unmapped, and you can be prepared for what lies ahead. If you understand the psychological process of divorce and know what to expect, the upcoming months and years will be considerably less stressful.

This book is more than a road map of the coming years. It is a survival guide, replete with the information and coping tools you need to successfully navigate the years ahead and to successfully guide your children through them. Armed with a road map and a repertoire of good coping skills, you can more easily clear the hurdles of divorce and avoid many of the difficulties that complicate the lives of so many divorcing couples and their children. Your divorce will likely remain a significant event in your life, but it does not have to remain the dominant one.

THE IMPACT OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

In the 1970s, two northern California researchers, Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly, began an intensive year-long study of divorcing couples and their children. The researchers wished to learn how families are affected by divorce and how they resolve the disruptions to their lives. Wallerstein and Kelly had fully expected families to have recovered by the end of the study, since parents would have been separated 18 months by that time. But the researchers had been mistaken: The majority of adults and children had not yet resolved their divorce-generated difficulties. Wallerstein and Kelly were stunned to find that most families were still in crisis and had not got their lives back together yet. More disturbing, a large number of children were doing worse rather than better.

Were the findings of this groundbreaking study a fluke? Since that time, many other studies have been published that confirm that adjustment to divorce is neither quick nor easy. On the average, people need two years before they regain their equilibrium. They usually need additional time to become emotionally detached from an ex-spouse and to establish a stable and satisfying new lifestyle.

You are probably wondering why divorce adjustment should take so long. After all, divorce is the solution to so many problems, isn't it? It may be easy to see why divorce is difficult for someone who had fought against it or for someone whose partner suddenly walked out. But is divorce also difficult for the person who leaves? Is it also difficult for couples who bitterly argue for years and finally call it quits? Usually, yes. It appears that relatively few people escape the effects of divorce easily. In general, divorce is difficult for both the "leaver" and the "left," for men and for women, for those who have bickered and fought and for those who have lived in indifferent silence, for those married 25 years and for those married 5 years (although break-ups of short-lived marriages tend to be less distressing). Of course, divorce is more difficult for some people than for others. For some the adjustment period is shorter, for some longer. Two years is only an average.

Once you learn more about divorce, you will see why it has such an impact on each member of the family and why such a long adjustment period is commonly needed. Undoubtedly, the best way to understand the nature of divorce is to look at the experiences that most people encounter.

Loss and Turbulent Emotions

Divorcing men and women are often astounded by the extent of their losses. The marriage that had been an important part of life at one time is now gone. So is a lifestyle, future plans, a chunk of one's identity, and perhaps a home, financial security, free access to children, and shared friendships. The list goes on. For many, the massive losses create a feeling of rootlessness--a need to feel connected. For many, the feelings of loss and unconnectedness are entangled with a gnawing sense of failure and dwindling feelings of self-worth.

Lives are further complicated by turbulent and conflicting emotions. Men and women who are filled with bitterness, resentment, and anger may suddenly feel stunned by surges of love and yearning for their former partners. Their predominant feelings of self-pity, sadness, and depression are suddenly displaced by intoxicating feelings of euphoria, well-being, and freedom. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, the euphoria is snatched away. The pendulum swings back and forth, leading people to feel as if they were on a tiny raft being tossed around in stormy seas or as if they were on an emotional roller coaster.