Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Marc J. Ackerman, PHD, is a clinical psychologist and expert on child custody. He maintains a counseling and consulting practice in Milwaukee and is the author of several books for psychologists and lawyers on the topic of child custody, including Wiley's Clinician's Guide to Child Custody Evaluations, Third Edition and the Essentials of Forensic Psychological Assessment. He has been involved in thousands of custody evaluation cases and is the co-creator of ASPECT, a major child-custody evaluation instrument. Dr. Ackerman has worked with thousands of divorcing families and is a frequent speaker at conferences and on national television and radio talk shows.

Von der hinteren Coverseite

The bestselling book that coaches parents on how to work together to effectively and successfully parent while living apart

If you are divorced or in the process of getting a divorce, you may be concerned about the effects it may have on your child or children. Thorough in coverage and updated with topics that affect today's families, "Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's?" helps you keep your children in the number-one, priority spot before, during, and after your divorce.

Nonjudgmental in tone, with practical and wise advice, the Second Edition covers many new topics including collaborative divorce, fathers' rights, and the use of electronic devices to manage children's complex scheduled activities across two households. New chapters cover the issue of abuse in custody evaluations as well as the use of the Internet to address matters that arise in divorce and custody cases.

Written by a psychologist and child custody expert, this book provides an accessible road map that helps you:

• Break the news of divorce to your children

• Keep them informed without overburdening them

• Anticipate your child's behavioral and emotional responses

• Simplify your children's lives as well as your own, through the use of highly adaptable schedules and plans for visitation

• Know what to expect in the legal process

• Avoid the pitfalls of parenting from a distance

Both reassuring and realistic, the Second Edition helps you to help your children deal with your divorce and to handle the changes in their lives. This book won't tell you how to "win" custody battles, but it will show you how to put your kids' best interests first as you work with your spouse to parent together while living apart.

Aus dem Klappentext

The bestselling book that coaches parents on how to work together to effectively and successfully parent while living apart

If you are divorced or in the process of getting a divorce, you may be concerned about the effects it may have on your child or children. Thorough in coverage and updated with topics that affect today's families, "Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's?" helps you keep your children in the number-one, priority spot before, during, and after your divorce.

Nonjudgmental in tone, with practical and wise advice, the Second Edition covers many new topics including collaborative divorce, fathers' rights, and the use of electronic devices to manage children's complex scheduled activities across two households. New chapters cover the issue of abuse in custody evaluations as well as the use of the Internet to address matters that arise in divorce and custody cases.

Written by a psychologist and child custody expert, this book provides an accessible road map that helps you:

• Break the news of divorce to your children

• Keep them informed without overburdening them

• Anticipate your child's behavioral and emotional responses

• Simplify your children's lives as well as your own, through the use of highly adaptable schedules and plans for visitation

• Know what to expect in the legal process

• Avoid the pitfalls of parenting from a distance

Both reassuring and realistic, the Second Edition helps you to help your children deal with your divorce and to handle the changes in their lives. This book won't tell you how to "win" custody battles, but it will show you how to put your kids' best interests first as you work with your spouse to parent together while living apart.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

"Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's?" Parenting Together While Living Apart

John Wiley & Sons

Chapter One

The end of your marriage is in sight, but you still live with the hope that somehow, some way, you'll be able to resolve the problems and differences that are wrenching you and your spouse apart. You deny that your difficulties are insurmountable or could be so overpowering that they would nullify the investment of time, energy, emotions, and money you've made in your spouse and the two of you as a couple. You wonder what else you might do to make your marriage better and restore the love that brought you together in the first place.

You think about your children, recognizing that (in all probability) they love both of you and would be better off in a whole family instead of a broken one. You are torn by indecision and guilt, born of questions about whether it is better to stay in a marriage void of happiness and fulfillment for the sake of your children.

Before you have a chance to resolve these issues, you open the mail or answer the door or have a discussion with your spouse and discover that what you've been dreading has now become your reality-You are getting divorced. For a moment, the world seems to stop on its axis. What will you do? What about the children? How will you survive? Where will you go? What will people say? You wonder if life is over and if things will ever be the same.

Although your life and the lives of your children and your spouse will never be the same, life does not end with divorce. You will survive. Sometimes it is in everybody's best interest to live apart, but if children are involved, your household must continue standing, albeit under different roofs. You face a long and probably difficult road along which many decisions will have to be made, including determining custody and placement for your children, placement times, discipline issues, financial arrangements, and schooling.

Throughout the divorce process, you will become involved in counseling, mediation, and court hearings. You will also need professional advice from lawyers, psychologists, social workers, and judges. You will be called on to be strong when you feel weak, to advance when you are tired, and to repeatedly put your children's interests before your own. The focus of this book is the well-being of your children. This is one of the facts about divorce-children must come first.

Facts about Divorce

If you are going to negotiate a divorce with your children's best interests as your focal point, you must be aware of some other important facts about divorce.

Fact 1: Divorce is always painful for children, no matter how old they are.

You cannot change that, but as parents, you will determine the degree of heartache your children will experience. In my practice, I speak with many parents who are concerned about how their divorce will affect their children and want to protect them from its negative impact. Sadly, I have to tell them that they cannot protect their children from the pain and grief of divorce, but they can keep the hurt and damage at a minimum through their own behavior. The more fighting, hatred, and lack of cooperation that exist, the harder it will be on the children.

Fact 2: Divorce does not end the relationship between spouses, it just changes the rules of the relationship.

Many people get divorced with the notion, "I'm going to finally get rid of this guy" or "I'm not going to have to listen to her anymore." The fact is that if you have children under the age of 18, you will be required to have some sort of relationship with your ex-spouse until your child reaches 18, and even after 18 for special events.

Although your relationship will continue on some level, children must learn that life will never be the same after the divorce. It is not uncommon for children to fantasize that someday life will return to the way it was before. This is not possible and the sooner everyone understands that, the easier life will be. If your children have difficulty grasping this, it may be necessary to get outside help such as counseling.

It's important at this time to give your children as much stability as possible. Direct your energy toward helping them adjust to their new life.

Fact 3: You are not the only parent going through divorce.

Parents become very self-focused during the divorce process. They often feel they are the only ones having to change their daily routine, work schedule, and time with the children. Your former partner is going through the same changes. Recognize that every change you must make, he or she must also make. In addition, the moving parent will have to make significantly more changes than the parent who remains at home, and may actually be going through more adjustments.

Fact 4: You do not have to hate your spouse to get divorced.

It's not unusual for a parent midway through the divorce process to question whether the divorce should even take place. The assumption that people often make is that if they are getting divorced, they should hate their spouse. Extending that logic, if they don't, they question whether they should be getting divorced at all.

There are things you are apt to still like about your partner even if you are getting divorced, and those ambivalent feelings can lead to confusion about the impending separation. If the things you don't like about your partner outweigh the things you do like, the decision to divorce is probably a sound one. However, when the things you disliked have changed, then questioning the divorce may be reasonable. A therapist can help you sort through this dilemma.

Fact 5: The divorce takes place psychologically for children on the day of the separation.

The divorce occurs for children the day their parents separate. Visitation and placement schedules and support payments begin around that time, and the rules of the relationship also start changing with the separation. The legal divorce only solidifies those changes.

Fact 6: Two people living apart cannot live as cheaply as two people living together.

The first major reality of separation and divorce is financial. I'm sure that it's not news to you that two households are more costly to maintain than one. This can be a major problem for some families and can add to the stress and strain of divorce.

The financial impact of divorce on a family is several-fold, and much of the severity of it depends on the ages of your children. It may necessitate both parents working, when before the divorce only one worked outside the home. Psychologically, children perceive this as a second loss (the first being when one parent moves out of the house).

The immediate financial impact is on short-term, daily finances. The crunch begins when attorneys ask for retainers of $1,000 to $5,000 or more (sometimes even up to $25,000) just to begin a divorce action. Parents must turn to savings, if they have any, and in some cases they borrow against credit cards or from relatives.

Once a divorce action has begun, parents usually live in different places. They must pay two rents, or a mortgage and apartment rent, and two sets of utility, grocery, and insurance bills; their budget gets stretched to its limit or beyond. Many people living in one household are overextended, but if they must support two...