E: A Novel - Softcover

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

MATT BEAUMONT is a creative director at an ad agency in London, and is the author of e and five other books.

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Monday, January 3rd David Crutton – 1/3/00, 8:13amto:Fiona Craigiecc: re:your butt

Take that fucking Walkman off, get your arse in here and show me how I do an all-staff e-mail. Every time I click “ok” on the address it copies it to Miller Shanks Helsinki.

First, a happy new Millennium to each and every one of you. Thank you also for sacrificing your bank holidays today to come in and begin the bid for the Coca-Cola business. As you know, in two weeks we pitch for this most prestigious advertising account. To win it we must all perform out of our skins.

Daunting as it may seem, I know we can scale this peak. Those in doubt should take a look at what we have achieved in the last twelve months. When I joined you at the beginning of ’99 we were in the doldrums and Jim Weissmuller in New York gave me a mountain to climb.

He said, “make Miller Shanks London big again.” Pitch wins for Freedom Mail Order, the LOVE Channel and Mako Cars, the Philippines’ premier automotive manufacturer, have catapulted us back into the Campaign top twenty for the first time in eight years.

He said, “make Miller Shanks respected.” In the Marketing Week survey that asked clients which advertising agency they would most like to work with, we rocketed from 45th to 33rd.

He said, “win awards.” I brought in Simon Horne to shake up the Creative Department and do just that. His efforts are already paying off, with Pinki and Liam’s fabulous ads for Kimbelle Panty Pads scooping bronze at Creative Circle.

We can all be extremely proud of our efforts. We are still a long way from the summit, but “base camp” has been established and the final assault beckons!

Let’s break camp, attach our lines and get off to a flier in 2000 by adding an $84 billion brand to our client list.

Go, go, go!

David Crutton

CEO

Your e-mail I think is coming to me in Helsinki by mistake, but it’s notwithstanding fun to be reading about my chums in London. I was not realising that mountaineering was possible in Old London Town. Most fascinating!

By the way, is there any help we give you with the Coca-Cola pitch? It is a very popular drink here in icy cold Finland, especially with our many “groovy” young folk. As fellow CEO, I am asking my red-hot creativity department to have lots of brilliant ideas for you.

While I am on cyberspacenet, can please you get me tickets for Great Balls of Grease? Mrs. van Helden and my good self will be visiting in London at 12 February. We will be packing our crampons.

Your pal, Pertti

Get your fucking nose out of Miss London and explain why, despite your best efforts, my last e-mail went to that pathetic twat, van Helden. And get me two tickets for Great Balls of Fire or Grease on 12 Feb. I don’t think the gobshite Finn knows the difference.

I would like you all to join me in welcoming Katie Philpott, who joins us today as a trainee account executive. Katie will be working in Harriet Greenbaum’s group on Mako. She will add her spark and vivacity to an already lively team. Please give her the warmest of Miller Shanks welcomes.

Daniel Westbrooke

Head of Client Services

Sadly, Fiona Craigie has decided to leave us and is no longer David Crutton’s PA. I am sure you will join me in wishing her well for the future. Lorraine Pallister will be temping until a permanent replacement arrives. Please make her welcome.

Rachel Stevenson

Personnel

You will need no reminding of the Coke pitch. This is the big one.

Excalibur.

The Holy Grail.

Eldorado.

The Most Famous Brand in the World.

David Crutton and Dan Westbrooke will brief us at noon in the boardroom.

Be keen.

Be sharp.

Be clever.

Above all, be there.

Si

Simon, I know this might be a silly little thing, so excuse my pedantry. I do not mind you calling me Dan in private, but to the great unwashed, please refer to me as Daniel. The diminutive sounds far too familiar, and as Head of Client Services I find it pays to remain a little aloof from the rabble! See you at 12:00.

James, my duties as Head of Client Services mean that I am far too busy to bestow upon young Katie my traditional welcome of tea and muffins. Since you are the account manager with whom she will be working most closely, may I request that you take her under your wing and make sure that she is familiar with our ways? Suffice it to say that I would not wish a repeat of what happened with the last trainee.

Susi, darling, be an absolute treasure and make sure all the creative teams are aware of the Coke briefing at 12:00. And get me a pot of decaffeinated and some of those itty-bitty cinnamon biscuits they have in the kitchen.

Doing it right now, darling . . . Sx

We are loving your ironicalism. “Pathetic twat, van Helden!” There is nothing to beat English humours. Benny Hill, Love Thy Neighbour, Are You Being Severed?. We see them all on Satellite Golden Hits Station. However, we are not comprehending “gobshite.” It is in not one of our excellent dictionaries.

“I’m free!” – Pertti

Katie, profound apologies that I will be unable to sit down with you this morning. You have joined our happy family at the busiest time and I find myself caught up in getting the Coke pitch off to a roaring start. I am sure that you must feel a little dazzled by the glamour of it all, but you will find your feet in no time. I have attached a crib sheet that sets out the key roles in our agency. Previous neophytes have found it to be indispensable. Any questions, ask James Gregory, whom I have appointed your “big brother.”

ATTACHMENT

CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – il maestro, le chef de cuisine, the head honcho and the person with whom the buck most certainly stops.

HEAD OF CLIENT SERVICES – The power behind the throne, if you will. Custodian of all the agency’s clients and responsible for the performance of everybody in the Account Management Department. A crucial part of his job is to approve every CREATIVE BRIEF before it goes to the Creative Department. These unassuming forms are the “sacred texts” without which no piece of advertising can be conceived. It is fair to say that with such a spectrum of responsibilities, a Head of Client Services must possess both fierce drive and a passionate vision.

ACCOUNT DIRECTOR – In...