“MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series is laugh-out-loud funny.”—Heroes and Heartbreakers
New York Times bestselling author MaryJanice Davidson is back. So is Betsy Taylor, “everyone’s favorite vampire queen” (Bitten by Books) and this time Betsy’s going viral…
If Betsy Taylor has learned anything about ruling Hell it’s: 1) She can't do it alone, and 2) She doesn’t have to. She’s got the help of a devoted vampire king, a dateless zombie, an exhausted new mom, an unshowered cop, a bitchy ghost, a kindly dead priest, and her late stepmother (“Go Team Satan 2.0!”). But the latest major hurdle in her afterlife is so big she can’t even see it until it’s on YouTube.
Betsy’s father and half sister Laura (a former Antichrist with a grudge) have teamed up, for what sinister purpose Betsy can't imagine. The former Antichrist didn't take kindly to getting what she wished for, and has decided that's entirely the fault of the vampire queen. What that means for Betsy is trouble (more than usual, even) and possible exposure to an unsuspecting world.
Meanwhile Hell is having a deleterious effect on Betsy's friends ("I didn't think it was possible, but the damned are getting meaner."), the newly dead are confused about Hell's new rules ("A buddy system? Really?"), and the vampire king is trying to poach on Betsy's territory. Betsy loves her husband, but that's not the same as trusting him. Before long the king and queen of the vampires aren't speaking to each other, the mansion on Summit Avenue is a war zone, and Betsy's getting calls from a werewolf, a mermaid, and worst of all, her mother ("What do you mean you can't babysit?"). No one said life after death would be easy, but c'mon: this is ridiculous.
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MaryJanice Davidson is the New York Times bestselling author of several books, most recently Undead and Unwary, Undead and Unsure, Undead and Unstable, Undead and Undermined, Undead and Unfinished, Undead and Unwelcome, Undead and Unworthy, and Dead Over Heels. With her husband, Anthony Alongi, she also writes a series featuring a teen weredragon named Jennifer Scales. MaryJanice lives in Minneapolis with her husband and two children and is currently working on her next book
Titles by MaryJanice Davidson
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Author’s Note
Epigraph
PROLOGUE: DEATH, LIFE, RITZ CRACKERS
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
CHAPTER FORTY
INTERLUDE: BETSY’S ERRAND TO HELL
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
EPILOGUE
Author’s Note
PROLOGUE
DEATH, LIFE, RITZ CRACKERS
Dying is taking forever.
This shouldn’t have surprised him, but it did. Everything in Tim Andersson’s life had taken forever. He’d been born three weeks late. Went through the fourth grade twice, needed six years to get his fine arts degree. Took the driver’s license exam four times. Had to ask the DMV three times to change his name from Anderson to Andersson. Ditto his social security card and passport, the latter proving a waste of time as the trip to Scotland fell through at the last minute because of his shingles flare-up.
The diagnosis—lung cancer at age forty-nine—had been met with dull, hurt surprise. “I don’t smoke.”
“Yes, that happens sometimes.”
“I’ve never smoked.”
“Yes, I understand. It would seem from your family history you’re genetically predisposed to the condition. That and your exposure to asbestos for several years, as well as secondhand smoke—”
“Yeah, I watched my parents and my grandpa die of lung cancer.” In an asbestos-ridden house, apparently. Shouldn’t have put off moving out of his folks’ place for so long. “Which is why I’ve never smoked.” His only addiction was to Ritz crackers, and always had been. Never saltines. Ritz, with spray cheese (cheddar and bacon flavored), chased with sweet iced tea. God, he could use some now. He’d gobble a whole sleeve of crackers right now and shoot the cheese straight into his mouth.
“I’m very sorry.”
Tim took a deep breath
(better enjoy doing that while you can)
and asked, “My options?”
“Few,” the doctor replied with calm, kind sympathy. “But that’s not to say there’s no hope. Unfortunately, it’s metastasized into your—”
Tim cut him off. He had nothing against the oncologist, who was only doing his job. Tim had gone to the ER two years before with a nagging cough and shortness of breath. He wouldn’t have gone at all, but a coworker saw what he coughed up into the bathroom sink and that was that. The ER doc, a nice young fellow with bright green eyes named
(odd that you remember him so clearly)
Dr. Spangler, told him what he suspected and had gotten him a referral on the spot. “There’s any one of a number of things it could be. Best to get a diagnosis and be sure, right? And sooner rather than later. Right?”
“Right,” Tim had lied, and then had promptly put it off for years. Right around then the offending cough had cleared up, the coworker had been soothed by Tim’s lie
(“Saw a doctor, he said I’m fine.”)
and that had been that.
Until now.
“Story of my life,” he muttered to the empty room. As if it knew its cover had been blown, the cancer had picked up speed the day he’d gotten the diagnosis. So now here he was, twenty-two months later, coughing out his last breaths at Fairview Ridges in Burnsville. Burnsville! (Nothing against the pleasant Minnesota suburb; it was just, for some reason he always thought he’d die in Apple Valley, another pleasant Minnesota suburb.)
No family, not anymore. A few friends from work, but mostly Tim kept to himself. Making and then cultivating friendships took too much time and energy, and there were Ritz triple-decker sandwiches to stack and devour. Everything took too long. Including this: his death. The doctors had assured him they would control the pain and had been as good as their word. He had refused chemo, refused everything. They were going to move him to a hospice by the end of the week, per the instructions of his HMO. “But until then,” his oncologist assured him, “we’ll take good care of you.”
“Eh. As it is, it’ll take too long.”
“What will?”
“Everything. The paperwork, the transfer. Dying. All of it. I’m slow at everything. Even this.”
And he was right! And as was often the case, there was zero comfort in being right. Still, he at least had the knowledge that—
Wait.
What?
The room was getting darker. And smaller, and quieter. Which was impossible; it was noon on a Saturday, visiting hours were in full swing, his roommate was in the bathroom humming “Irreplaceable” while shaving and getting ready to go home, and the sun was shining. Dammit, he was missing a beautiful late-winter day in Minnesota. Good late winter, the kind with the promise of blooming flowers and green grass, not the mud and unearthed-garbage kind of winter. So why was everything . . . ?
Oh.
Oh.
This was it! He was dying, finally, and it was exactly as the movies had portrayed: everything was going dark and quiet. It wasn’t even scary. Thinking about it had been scarier than experiencing it. He supposed he should be
* * *
grateful.
“Hi, I’m Betsy, welcome to Hell.”
He blinked and looked around. He knew this place. He’d been there before, reluctantly. It was—
“Did you say welcome to Hell?”
The girl—woman, he supposed, she was probably in her twenties, and they didn’t like that, being called girls—nodded. “Yep.”
Only death could be both surreal and familiar at the same time. “Hell is the Mall of America?”
“Yep. Sorry.” She shrugged at him. “It was all I could think of.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
He took a closer look at her. Tall, slender, fair skinned, bright blue-green eyes. Sounded like a Minnesota gal, but what were the odds of that? Long legs, knee-length black linen shorts, a red short-sleeved shirt, reddish blond hair pulled into a ponytail. She was wearing a silver men’s watch that was too big for her slender wrist, silver pointy-toed flats, and a Hello My Name Is badge over her left breast, which read Satan 2.0.
“So I’m dead?” He looked around. Yep, the Mall of America and no mistake. He and the strange girl—woman—were standing beside a large information kiosk. There were other people around, many of them in a hurry, and there was an overall feeling of tense bustling.
And it was...
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