The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want - Softcover

Hall, Jeffrey

 
9780373892730: The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want
Softcover
ISBN 10: 037389273X ISBN 13: 9780373892730
Verlag: Harlequin Nonfiction, 2013

Inhaltsangabe

Flirt Smarter. Date Better. Love Happily Ever After. 

Do you always attract the wrong type? Have a hard time making relationships last? Or get stuck being friends instead of lovers? 

There's no one right way to flirt, but how you flirt says a lot about your chance at love. Dr. Jeffrey Hall's groundbreaking survey, the Flirting Styles Inventory, caused a media sensation when it pinpointed five different flirting styles. First sampled exclusively with eHarmony members, it has since helped tens of thousands of people discover their flirting style and provided a wealth of information on how your style affects your love life. 

Based on Dr. Hall's cutting-edge research, The Five Flirting Styles shows you how to identify your natural flirting style—physical, playful, sincere, traditional or polite—and use it to flirt smarter and attract the love you really want. Discover: 

• Where to look for love based on your style 

• How to tell if someone is interested and avoid missed opportunities 

• How to tell if someone wants a serious relationship or a quick fling 

• If you're sending all the wrong signals—and what to do instead

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Jeffrey A. Hall, Ph.D. is the nationally-recognized expert on flirting styles. He is the lead author of the Flirting Styles Inventory, an author of over 20 peer-reviewed research articles and an assistant professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence. The five flirting styles continue to generate strong media interest, and stories about them have appeared in Glamour, Cosmo, Women’s Health, Women’s World, and Marie Claire.

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THE FIVE FLIRTING STYLES

The book you're reading began with an incredibly lucky meeting of minds in Los Angeles, which evolved into an academic research article and then sparked a viral media explosion. The five flirting styles have received incredible media coverage on TV, in print and online. Cosmo, Glamour, USA TODAY and Time magazine, among many others, featured my five flirting styles. In this chapter, I'll explain the research and exclusive data behind the five flirting styles. I'll also give you a crash course in the true definition of flirting (which is much more than "batting eyes") and how we go about communicating attraction, setting the stage for how the flirting styles came to be and how this approach is fundamentally different than what came before.

HOW IT ALL GOT STARTED

Research Says

For years, school, work, and through friends and family were the most common places to meet a new spouse. Internet dating is now second only to meeting through friends.

The story of the five flirting styles starts with a seismic shift in dating as we know it, as online dating became more and more popular. After years of slow, steady growth in the 1990s, online dating services experienced exponential growth between 2000 and 2005. This posed a special challenge for matchmaking services that pair members with other members based on key data they collect. This was the challenge that the senior director for research and product development at eHarmony, Steve Carter, was charged with addressing.

In order to better serve eHarmony users and ensure a higher success rate—a better match, if you will—Steve wanted research on the science of romantic chemistry. When two people were matched by eHarmony, courted through email and were confident enough to meet face-to-face, what happened? Did they experience that electric spark of chemistry or was it dullsville? Steve wanted data about eHarmony users that would help sort out the matches who felt a strong connection as opposed to those who felt nothing.

At that time I was an eager new graduate student at the Annenberg School for Communication at the University of Southern California. My advisor, Dr. Michael Cody (Cody to his friends), had a friend and former student named Julie Albright who knew Steve Carter, who was a USC psychology grad. At that time, Cody and I were writing a book chapter on pickup lines, and Julie passed along this info to Steve. At the Daily Grill in downtown Los Angeles, and later at eHarmony headquarters in Pasadena, I found myself at this fortuitous meeting of the minds.

Quotable

"How a person flirts honestly reveals some important qualities about the individual."

—Dr. Steven Gangestad, evolutionary psychologist at the University of New Mexico

The one thing we all had in common was an interest in flirting. Cody had studied people's perception of whether someone is flirting with them or not. I was interested in learning whether pickup lines were ever effective (sometimes) and whether particularly good-looking guys can get away with saying obnoxious lines to women (yes, they can). Julie had her ear to the ground, researchwise, learning firsthand about dating from people on the singles scene. To help answer his questions, Steve offered us access to eHarmony members who wanted to participate in an online study on flirting. This was an amazing opportunity—eHarmony rarely opened up its doors to outside researchers. Yet, here I was, armed with access to thousands of active daters and a crack team with vast research experience. But what questions were we going to ask our volunteers? What did we want to know? Like a good graduate student, I did some research.

The Survey Says

Most women claim to hate pickup lines, but nearly 70 percent of women agreed that a "cheesy line" delivered by the "right person" is inviting.

WHAT IS FLIRTING?

People think that there is just one way to flirt: through body language. But I came to the conclusion that pinning down flirting is a lot harder than you might think. I set off to try to answer these three questions.

1. Do you always know when someone is flirting with you?

2. Does everyone flirt for the same reason or with the same goal in mind?

3. Is the body language of a flirtatious person different than that of a friendly person?

After looking at the evidence, I had to come to these conclusions: No!, no and sort of (in that order). One of the big discoveriess of the flirting styles project is this: Everyone simply does not flirt in the same way or for the same reasons.

Show it, know it?

What is flirting? It resembles the Supreme Court's famous definition of pornography—"I don't know, but I know it when I see it." Oddly enough, a lot of people don't fit this definition, either—they don't even know it when they see it. In addition to the well-known fact that men are happily overoptimistic (and wrong) in thinking a woman is flirting with them, nearly everyone in our survey said that they had been in a situation where someone was flirting with them and they didn't even know it.

The opposite problem also happens all the time. A woman, say, uses every move she knows to try to give someone the hint that she is interested, but without success. It seems that most people would not know if a behavior constituted flirting, even if they saw it (or sometimes even if it hit them over the head). One study concluded that flirting is harder to read than friendliness, anger and rejection! It seems that people flirt so differently, it is hard to know it if you see it.

The Survey Says

Almost all of us (90 percent) have been in the situation where someone else thought we were flirting, but we weren't meaning to.

What's your MO?

Another challenge in figuring out what is flirting and what isn't is that people have very different goals when they're flirting. I am often asked the same question in many different forms:

"How do you know if someone is really flirting with you or is just being nice/trying to get a free drink/trying to make someone else jealous?" The problem is, you really can't tell. People will often do things that look like flirting for reasons that have nothing to do with love, romance or attraction. Because of the utterly contradictory and confusing goals that people can have and the unfortunate possibility of outright deception when flirting, it is hard to know whether or why someone is flirting at all.

The Survey Says

Almost all of us (91 percent) have been in the situation where we thought someone was flirting with us, but we were wrong.

Look for the Signs

Another popular way of thinking about flirting is to look for the nonverbal signs: a sweet smile; a light touch on the hand; deep eye contact; quickly touching or fixing hair; a shy, covert look; and a confident strut across a crowded room. The problem with this approach isn't that it isn't accurate—all of those behaviors are flirting. The problem is that there are lots of things going on when two people are trying to make a connection. We want to make a good impression, so we are really focused on ourselves and planning what to say. It is hard to decipher what the actions of other people mean when we are so worried about making a good impression.

What is Flirting?

We decided that flirting occurs when one person expresses sexual or romantic interest in another person, is the...

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Verlag
Harlequin Nonfiction
Erscheinungsdatum
2013
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
037389273X
ISBN 13 
9780373892730
Einband
Taschenbuch
Anzahl der Seiten
304
Kontakt zum Hersteller
Nicht verfügbar
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