I. Rules That Even Foreigners Should Know
 

1. Possession is more than a rap on the knuckles.
These rules are all pretty fucking simple. Most people learned these rules in the first or second grade, and as a result, most have forgotten them and look like idiots because of it.
Form the possessive form of nouns by adding ’s.
You add an ’s to the end of the word, no matter what the last consonant is. Consonants, in case you’re unaware, are letters other than a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
Charles’s bong is fucking enormous.
Jimmy’s sex tape represented the low point in a lifetime of porn viewing.
Kelly’s vagina is completely shaved.
If brevity is your shtick, you can kill the second s and just leave the apostrophe when the noun already ends in s. This works wonders on Twitter.
Chris’ girlfriend lets him fuck her in the ass.
Obviously there are exceptions to the rule—things like ancient proper names, etc. Forget about that. This book’s purpose is to keep you from looking like an idiot, and if you find yourself debating whether to add an ’s to the end of Jesus, you can Google it.
The next topic is pronominal possessives, which is the fancy term for hers, its, theirs, yours, and ours. If you’re using any of these words to replace a name—
That dildo is Kelly’s.
That dildo is hers.
—then it doesn’t take an apostrophe. This is a simple enough rule, but where most people screw up is deciding whether to use its or it’s. Its should be used when you can substitute in a name or a different possessive and still understand what’s going on. Example:
It’s a lucky dog that is able to lick its own genitals, and the best I can do is the occasional stranger.
It’s a lucky dog that is able to lick his own genitals, and the best I can do is the occasional stranger.
As you can see, replacing its with his still makes sense—so its should be used. Generally speaking, because this is a politically correct society we live in, its should be preferred to his when you don’t know the sex of whomever you’re referring to. In the example above the dog could be a male or a female, so its should be used.
It’s, on the other hand, is a contraction of it is. When you can replace it’s with it is, it’s is appropriate to use:
It’s a fucking miracle anything gets done in this place with all the Madden you people play.
It is a fucking miracle anything gets done in this place with all the Madden you people play.
So now you know.
2. Commas are fucking fun.
In a series of three or more terms, use a comma after each term except the last. For example:
She’s got fake tits, nails, and hair.
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers.
—HUNTER THOMPSON, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
3. Use commas to parenthesize shit.
This is the rule discussed in the introduction. When you’re introducing information that qualifies or is otherwise an aside to the main topic, it should be placed between commas.
The easiest way to roll a joint, assuming you don’t have a rolling machine, is to roll the paper around a Bic pen.
Admittedly, this rule can sometimes be difficult to apply—there’s some debate, for instance, over whether to put a single word in between commas:
Jason was a real prick, however, he seemed okay when he took uppers.
Now it is important to realize that if you’re going to use commas in this way, they have to come in pairs. The pair of commas is like deciding whether to wear a tie to a meeting—if you go with the tie, you have to wear a jacket as well or you’ll look like a tool. Same goes with commas.
Jim’s sister, little slut that she was, spent half the night prancing around in her underwear.
My AIDS test, you’ll be happy to know, came back negative.
Those sentences illustrate the correct usage of the parenthetical comma. If you take away one of the commas, however, the whole structure falls apart:
My brother little prick that he is, told my dad I was the one that downloaded a virus on the computer.
Clearly a comma should be placed after “brother” because the phrase “little prick that he is” qualifies the statement. Likewise whenever you’re looking to add additional information, a parenthetical comma should be used:
My date, who had seemed listless and uninterested through dinner, perked up as soon as I broke out the cocaine.
Until a month ago, when the swelling from my nose job disappeared, I couldn’t give this pussy away.
This adding of information is called, in fancy terms, a nonrestrictive clause. Often the information could be presented in two separate sentences, if a person so desired, and in that case a pair of commas would be necessary:
My date began the evening quite listlessly. Upon introduction of the cocaine she immediately perked up.
A name or title, if you’re using it in direct address, is also placed between a pair of commas:
If, sir, you won’t bring me to climax, I can’t guarantee I’ll field your calls anymore.
Well, Jimmy, this is another fucked-up situation you’ve gotten us into.
On the other hand, a comma shouldn’t be used to separate a noun from a restrictive identifier:
Billy the Kid
Simon the fag
Kawal the Sikh
Dipshit Jr.
A further bit of illustration for all you (a) rich kids or (b) poor white-trash kids who have been named after your fathers: Junior, or the abbreviation Jr., is said by some people to require a comma. These people are idiots. Junior, like “the sikh” or “the fag,” is restrictive and doesn’t take a comma.
Before moving on to the next rule, let’s recap: Restrictive clauses do not take commas, while nonrestrictive clauses do. For example:
Chris, being a complete lush, continued shotgunning cans of Four Loko, even after vomiting all over his shirt. (nonrestrictive)
The girl I had anal sex with freshman year has a great set of tits. (restrictive)
One of my sisters, Lauren is a complete slut. (restrictive)
My youngest brother, Max, is a complete stoner. (nonrestrictive)
4. Independence does more than embarrass the British.
Place a comma before and or but introducing an independent clause. This usage of commas can be helpful if you want to make your sentences more complex, whether to avoid writing like a fifth-grader or to impress your English professor. It’s important to keep in mind that this use of...