ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND YOUR CHILD

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF ASPERGER'S SYNDROME?

The range and degree of characteristics associated with Asperger's syndrome vary considerably, but the most typical are these:

• Generally unaware about people, social situations, time, place. Aspies live very much in the present, in the immediate moment, or many light-years from now, but have no clue what's happening next. They can only see from their point of view and need help in becoming aware of others' thoughts and feelings. They tend to be quite awkward around people and lack social skills.

• Rigid, prefer routine, very literal-minded, and are such purveyors of truth that they are too blunt and inadvertently insult others. Fortunately, they can be taught how to be less direct.

• Have difficulty making eye contact. Some say it's too confusing, even painful, to look someone in the eyes; others say it's distracting and they can't remember what they want to say.

• Have special interests, which for some become obsessions, and they will talk about these topics continuously, whether anyone else is interested or not.

• Act inappropriately, yet have no idea that they are being inappropriate. It is difficult for them to read body language.

• Out-of-the-box thinking lets them see the world very differently than we do and leads to some odd conclusions and odd behavior by conventional standards. It's best to ask them why they are doing something before you get angry. It's easier to be understanding if you know their reasoning.

• Highly sensitive to touch, sound, light, taste, and other stimuli to the degree that a tag in a shirt bothers them, sunlight is too bright, and they prefer to stay indoors much more than be outdoors, where their sensory system is bombarded.

• Need help staying on track and being organized and can become easily overwhelmed by too many directions, too many details, timed tests, and deadlines.

• Lack self-awareness skills and may have bouts of anger and frustration beyond their control. They can learn to cope through repetition and reinforcement.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT ASPERGER'S SYNDROME

Ever since founding the Friends' Club in 2000, and performing thousands of assessments for children of all ages, I have heard certain questions over and over from parents just learning that their child or teen has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. As they begin to wonder what it means for their child and for the whole family, these are the questions I hear most often.

1. IS THERE A CURE? WILL MY CHILD OUTGROW IT?

No, there is no cure and they won't grow out of it, but Asperger's kids can learn to cope in the real world with help and guidance. And the good news is that most Asperger's kids really don't care if they're like everyone else. They like their uniqueness and creativity.

Because this is a neurological condition, and not a psychological issue, conventional Freudian or play therapies will not work. There is no interpreting dreams or getting in touch with their feelings, because Asperger's kids are not naturally connected to their feelings. They live more in their minds and imaginations.

To help them cope with daily life and people, cognitive behavior therapy is extremely helpful in raising Aspies' awareness. Kids practice social skills and they learn to associate more successfully with others. Psychotherapy can be effective as long as it's carried out in an engaging manner with a balanced interactive approach. It won't help if the Aspie is allowed to talk on and on about his special interest. But if the session has a mutual, reciprocal interaction, through play or talking, then such therapy can lead to social problem solving and improvement.

2. WHY CAN'T I DISCIPLINE THIS CHILD THE WAY THAT I DO MY OTHERS?

First of all, the emotional carrot that many parents can use with their other children won't work with their Asperger's child. Trying to drum up caring, trying to make them feel ashamed, or trying to get them to please you won't work. Such tactics don't mean anything to an Asperger's child of any age. They don't care about meeting parents' expectations or anyone else's, just their own. The best approach is a totally rational one.

Keep emotion out of your message as much as possible.

Focus on the facts and logical reasons why they should or shouldn't do something and present your case as calmly and clearly as possible. If you make it sound like a rule, all the better, because they are natural-born rule followers. And by following rules, they can please you.

Second, to only tell an Asperger's child what he is doing wrong doesn't work. They are not abstract thinkers, so they can't intuit the next step. You need to tell them exactly what they should be doing, and even show them, if possible. Modeling the desired behavior is extremely helpful to them. And being natural-born rule followers, they will usually comply once they understand, as long as their sensitivities to sounds or smells or light don't get in the way.

Another stumbling block can be that the Asperger's child needs to do things his own way. This makes them seem like they're acting out or misbehaving when really they are just stuck on the idea of doing something a certain way. This is where discipline is less important than being more flexible as a parent. You can't spoil Aspies by letting them do it their way, as might happen with your other children. Giving in to an Asperger's child does not usually lead to manipulative behavior on her part.

Instead the best strategy is to pick your battles, giving in to the smaller deviations from what they're supposed to do, and then making them comply with the truly important requests. Since give-and-take does not come naturally to them, you will have to explain and keep reminding them of how you gave in on the last issue, so now it's their turn to give in and do it your way.

Their opposition can be their way of keeping things predictable — they want to know what comes next. So if you use their desire to do something a certain way to gently force them to be more reciprocal, you both win.

3. CAN MY CHILD CONTROL HIS DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR OR NOT?

Again, Asperger's children are not like your neurotypical children, who intentionally push parental buttons to get what they want. A tantrum by an Aspie is more often caused by an overload of sensory stimuli or an inability to loosen up about his own ideas. It is nothing like a spoiled child's tantrum, which is manipulative and should be ignored to discourage such behavior.

An Asperger's child's tantrum needs understanding and patience, a lessening of sensory overload, and a return to calm. While you may enjoy being around people, it is one of the most exhausting and overly stimulating...