Profile of a Perfect Sitter

So what are you looking for in a nanny? Who do you want walking through the door every morning or bustling about the kitchen when you wake up? The answer, hardly simple, is always loaded with expectations. We all have some version of the Mary Poppins icon rattling around in our heads — a person who's going to appear suddenly and magically instill order in our lives with the proper mix of authority, can-do energy, and charm. Can anyone really measure up? Still, we go on making our wish lists and creating our composite ideals: loving, nurturing, bright, cheerful, patient, dependable, loyal, unflappable — fill in the blanks.

In figuring out what sort of person you want to be around day after day, you have to make room for all your subjective preferences, including age and gender. You might, for example, gravitate toward someone older and more mature because you think she'll be maternal and loving (do you want some mothering yourself?). Then again, you might like the idea of a young nanny — someone you can groom and who can run with the job in every sense of the word. As for the male/female decision, most parents assume that a caregiver will, and should, be female; we associate babysitting with mother figures (in fact, we use the pronoun "her" throughout this book). But male nannies exist, albeit in small numbers, and on the face of it, there's no reason not to hire one — as long as you feel comfortable with the idea.

Plenty of parents have strong feelings about nannies' cultural backgrounds, too. Some relish the thought of an exotic influence; others don't want to deal with too many differences when it comes to childrearing customs, or even food. Then there are those employers who want only French- or Spanish-speaking sitters for the sake of hearing a second language in the house. A foreign language is definitely a plus if you want your kids to get their ears trained early, but it can also be a barrier to communication if the sitter's English is nonexistent and you have to resort to sign language. Most of us want a nanny who can at least read a bedtime story or understand a note with directions to a birthday party.

To flesh out the portrait of a perfect sitter, you have to factor in some practical considerations, like her life circumstances. Does the nanny have children of her own? Are they young and needy? If so, her flexibility — and consequently yours — may be limited by her outside responsibilities. Is she single, or settled down and settled in the neighborhood? A lot of parents believe that a married nanny is more emotionally stable and more likely to stick around than a free agent, though this theory doesn't take into account the fact that an unhappily married woman may be just as likely as the unmarried nanny to move on.

Once you've painted a broad brushstroke of your ideal, keep in mind that you're bound to have to compromise somewhere, on something. Focus on what matters most. If you end up interviewing a woman who's energetic and likeable, but a little too talkative, sit back and think about whether you could bear the chitchat for the sake of the enthusiasm. If, on the other hand, she's very quiet and shy but seems exceptionally warm, realize that while your kids will be nurtured, you probably won't get a lot of stimulating conversation (and you may end up being thankful for that). In the end you and the nanny have to get along. You're going to be around each other — a lot — and in very intimate circumstances. Don't hold out for the great love affair, but do hold on to your standards.

Who's Who in the World of Nannies

Caregiver, babysitter, nanny — they are all defined as in-home childcare positions. But each has a different meaning, however subtle, and all are open to interpretation.

Nanny is by far the most popular, all-purpose name for someone who takes care of children, either as a live-in (she rooms and boards with the family, five or seven days a week) or as a live-out (she comes in on a daily basis). While the word "nanny" can conjure images of an English governess, the term is used much more broadly these days. It can describe a person who's had formal training in childcare (ranging from a degree in child development to intruction courses at a nanny college through an agency; or it can be used to describe a woman who's had on-the-job experience and has made a career out of taking care of kids.

Caregiver (or childcare provider or childcare technician) is an umbrella term that's more PC than it is catchy. While it's long been used by agencies and institutions, the word caregiver is only now being integrated into the childcare vernacular. Some parents gravitate toward the term because there's a neutrality about it; it sounds serious, and says what it is, without any elitist associations. Employees themselves often say they prefer it, though you rarely hear it used in nannies' conversation.

Babysitter (or sitter) covers a wide range of job descriptions. It can refer to someone who comes in on a Saturday night or a five-day-a-week regular employee. Agencies often eschew the term "babysitter," favoring "nanny" or "caregiver," because of the perception that no special training is required for the job of babysitter. Parents however, use "sitter" interchangeably with "nanny" and "caregiver" — in fact, many prefer it to "nanny," which to some still has the snooty ring of a servant for the upper classes.

Housekeeper for the most part means just what it implies — a person who cleans and takes care of the house. However, the job can spill over into babysitting and general care and feeding of the family — as in Alice on The Brady Bunch — particularly when the children are older and spend much of the day in school.

Au pair is in a category all its own. While it's a French term (meaning "on par" or "equal"), the au pair position has become a very American phenomenon. A legal au pair, anywhere from eighteen to twenty-six years old, comes from another country, and is hired through an official organization, under the auspices of the United States Information Agency. She...