A CONVERSATION ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY

His hands were trembling and his face dripped with sweat. He didn't want to go in there, but knew he had to.

My friend Jordan was anxiously waiting in his car outside the church office. He had recently come to grips with the fact that he was attracted to guys, and he'd even mustered up the courage to tell his pastor. But now he was about to go into a room full of church leaders and tell them, "I ... I am ... I'm. Gay. I'm gay." He could hardly say the words out loud in the safety of his car. But he knew he had to go. He had to tell them.

Jordan was helping out in the youth group at church and had just completed a year of college. He had spent several years wrestling with his same-sex attraction, though his commitment to the Bible prevented him from acting on it. He hadn't even touched another guy romantically. But no one at this church had known about his struggle.

When he entered the room, he was greeted with smiles. With palms still dripping with sweat, he decided to get it over with. "I know you all trust me and allow me to help out in church. So, I wanted to let you know that ... I mean ... I want to confess that, well ... I'm sort of ... I'm ... I struggle with same-sex attraction. I'm ... I'm attracted to guys."

Silence.

"I thought he was a Christian?" one leader said to another, forgetting that Jordan was still in the room. A few feet away. With ears. That worked.

"Jordan, when did you decide this?"

"Um ... when? What do you mean? I ... I didn't decide this. I don't want to be attracted to guys."

The leader continued, "You know, Jordan, what God thinks about homosexuals? The Bible says that they are an abomination!"

Jordan was taken aback. He didn't know what to say. The line between homosexual practice and struggling with same-sex attraction was painfully blurred. And the confusion continued to dehumanize Jordan limb by limb.

"Jordan, we can't condone someone with your lifestyle," another leader interjected with polished conviction.

Lifestyle? Jordan thought. I haven't even touched another person. I'm probably more pure than any other guy my age. Lifestyle?!

Before Jordan could respond, another leader added, "And what about our children? I mean, we can't have you working with our children!"

Jordan didn't know how to respond. "Um ... sir, I ... I'm not a pedophile. I don't struggle with wanting to have sex with children."

As Jordan sat through the rest of the rather brief meeting, he felt his humanity slipping away. He might as well have been stuffed in a cage and sold to the zoo. The last thing Jordan remembers that night is heading to his car, locking the door, squeezing the steering wheel until his fingers turned white, and screaming away his pain.

Ugh.

My heart breaks whenever I think about Jordan in that church office. Over the years I've talked with a lot of gay and lesbian people. Almost all of them have similar stories of feeling less than human and being painfully misunderstood. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that we've got to put flesh on this topic. We've got to stop talking about issues and start talking about human beings. As Jordan's story shows, focusing on truth with little compassion can actually damage other people who are made in God's image.

LET'S HAVE A CONVERSATION

I think it's time to have a conversation about homosexuality. No, not a feisty, angry, explosive conversation — maybe you've had some of those before. Let's have a cordial conversation. An honest talk filled with authenticity and love. One where hard questions are raised and genuine answers are given. And if there is no clear answer, a simple "Let's keep thinking about that" will do just fine.

I know it sounds weird for a book to be a "conversation" — especially since you won't be able to talk back at this book without others thinking you're nuts. But I think this book can still be a discussion. I'm not going to lecture at you, cram info down your throat, or even tell you what you must believe. I'm going to converse with you through these pages as if we're hanging out at a coffee shop together. I'll bring up the same subjects you're probably wondering about, and I'll try to raise some pushbacks that you might have.

So let's have an honest dialogue about a very tough topic. I'm sure you have questions. Good questions, hard questions, weird questions, or questions you can't ask anyone else. For instance:

Can I be friends with someone who's gay?

How should I respond when my sister tells me she's a lesbian?

Should I attend a gay wedding?

If two people love each other and they're not hurting anyone else, then can't they get married?

Does the Bible really say homosexuality is wrong?

If people are born gay, then doesn't this mean God made them that way?

And ... are people born gay?

I feel like I'm attracted to the same sex, but I have no one to talk to. What should I do?

I'm glad you asked these good questions. There are no bad questions in our conversation. (There could be some bad answers out there, but no bad questions.) Now let me be up front. I'm not going to pretend that there's one cookie-cutter answer to every question. There's not. Some questions have simple answers, but many don't. Most questions require a lot of thought and honest discussion. So let's have that discussion.

REAL PEOPLE

Let's begin our conversation by meeting some real people. Real people with real stories. My hope is that hearing their stories will help us "put flesh" on the topic of homosexuality.

The first friend I want to introduce to you is Dan. Dan is a gay man happily married to another man. Dan isn't very religious and he often gets frustrated with conservative Christians. He mocks them, yells at them, and would love to see the conservative church simply fade out of existence. Dan is the type of guy many Christians think of when they hear the word homosexuality. A feisty, angry, church-hating loudmouth who loves to fire off mean comments on blogs and Twitter.

And then there's Maddie. Maddie is a lesbian, but she's not attracted to women. This seems weird until you hear her story. When Maddie was nine years old, her dad chained her to a toilet in the basement and fed her scraps of food for three months. He then apologized, released her, and warned her that he'd kill her if she told anyone about what had happened. As if that wasn't bad enough, he raped her over the next four years. And that's why Maddie is a lesbian. She isn't attracted to women, but she chooses to be a lesbian because she...