Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Steven R. Tracy (PhD, University of Sheffield, England, MDiv, ThM Western Seminary), is the president and international director for Mending the Soul Ministries, and professor of theology and ethics at Phoenix Seminary. He and his wife Celestia co-founded and co-lead Mending the Soul, a global mission dedicated to resourcing and equipping community and faith leaders in informed and compassionate responses to those impacted by abuse. Steve and Celestia bring over 40 years of pastoral, classroom, and clinical experience to their work. Their sustainable trauma care models and resources are now being implemented successfully around the world.

Celestia G. Tracy (MA Counseling/Psychology, Lewis and Clark College) is the vice president and resource director for Mending the Soul. Celestia draws from eighteen years of classroom, and professional clinical practice specializing in early childhood development and trauma care. She now works alongside her husband in collaboration with interdisciplinary teams to create accessible trauma-care resources that integrate scientific and social research on abuse with biblical and theological truth. Celestia and Steve have facilitated trauma trainings throughout East Africa since 2007. Their sustainable trauma care models are now being implemented successfully around the world.

Kristi Ickes Garrison is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has worked in the public schools for ten years and is the Director of Karis Student Resources, LLC. Kristi specializes in helping students who have experienced abuse, depression and suicide, addiction, and pregnancy and offers dynamic trainings to youth workers and parents on working effectively with teens.

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This book provides a well-researched biblical and scientific overview of abuse. A broad overview, it deals with the various types of abuse, the various effects of abuse, and the means of healing. Abuse can be sexual, physical, neglect, spiritual, and verbal. The chief arguments pursued throughout the book are: (1) abuse is far more rampant than most Christians realize, but due to human depravity and satanic influence, widespread abuse is predicable. (2) All types of abuse create profound, long-term soul damage due to the way abuse perverts various aspects of the image of God. (3) God is the healing redeemer. Human salvation came through horrible physical abuse. (4) Healing must take place in the context of relationships. Humans are deeply impacted by others due to being made in the image of God. Just as surely as abusive relationships have tremendous power to wound the soul, so healthy relationships have tremendous power to nurture and heal the soul. Questions answered in the book include: - How can a genuine believer abuse a child? - Why would someone abuse a child? - How can parents and childrens' workers identify abusers? - How can abuse victims heal? - What does genuine healing look like? - Is anger appropriate or hurtful for abuse victims? - Where does forgiveness fit in? Helpful sample child protection policy, application, screening interview, and warning signs of potential abusers equip ministry leaders. Illustrations, case studies, and art therapy drawings.

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Mending the Soul Student Edition

ZONDERVAN

Contents

Preface.....................................................................9Note to the Reader..........................................................11Introduction................................................................13Chapter One: Ouch! Why Talk About It?.......................................19Chapter Two: Understanding Abuse............................................31Chapter Three: Understanding Abandonment....................................43Chapter Four: Imperfect Families—Imperfect People.....................55Chapter Five: Understanding Friendship and Dating...........................67Chapter Six: Risky and Dangerous Behavior...................................87Chapter Seven: Guilt and Shame..............................................97Chapter Eight: Trauma Reactions.............................................115Chapter Nine: Isolation.....................................................129Chapter Ten: The Mending the Soul Healing Model.............................147Chapter Eleven: Forgiveness.................................................163Chapter Twelve: Where Do You Go from Here?..................................175Appendix....................................................................183Endnotes....................................................................185

Chapter One

"Can you feel my pain?" Who hasn't asked that question or wanted to know the answer? If you've had painful experiences, you may feel that you're all alone. No one wants to feel that way. And the truth is, you're not alone. Everybody hurts because we're living in a broken, fallen world, and things are not the way they were created to be. This book will focus on the kinds of pain that come from abuse and abandonment.

Facing your pain is no small task. Many of your friends or family members may never pick up a book like this. You have, and that's a really big deal. By choosing to face your past, you can find freedom from it. It isn't easy—otherwise everyone would find healing, and abuse wouldn't be such a huge problem. You get to be different. You're doing this, and you'll make it through to the other side. Awesome! That's our motivation. Your long-term freedom and healing will be worth any pain you must experience along the way.

Good Pain vs. Bad Pain

When we talk about facing pain, it's important to know there are two kinds of pain—good pain and bad pain. We experience good (healthy) pain when we experience something difficult or uncomfortable that forces us to grow. For example, if your girlfriend confronts you because she feels hurt that you don't return her phone calls, that's going to sting a little, right? It doesn't feel good when someone confronts you like that. Or, if you blow off a paper for English class, get an F, and as a result are grounded for the weekend. That feels bad, too. Both of those examples are of situations that are uncomfortable to walk through. They hurt. But when you move through them, you'll grow in your relationships and become more mature. You'll learn that your friends don't feel valued if you don't call them back. You'll learn that you can't blow off a responsibility at work or at school and that sometimes you must put work ahead of having fun. You can't—and shouldn't—try to escape those experiences of pain. That kind of pain has a purpose.

Bad pain is different—it goes beyond making you uncomfortable for the purpose of your growth. It causes damage to your heart and in your life. It disrupts God's design for you. So, if the same person who feels hurt that you never return phone calls spreads rumors about you online to ruin your reputation, and then you lose all of your friends, that's bad pain—that person's behavior is abusive. If you tell your parents you got an F on your English paper, and they respond by telling you that you're worthless, stupid, and will never accomplish anything in your life, then that's bad pain.

Those types of pain cause damage. In and of themselves, these experiences don't help us to mature. Instead, they can cause us to doubt our worth and our value, and they often hinder our growth.

I (Kristi) joined a gym earlier this year. I decided that I wanted to get in better shape and was feeling very excited and motivated at first. But now, I'm beginning to lose that motivation. It was fun at first, but the newness wore off. In fact, it's been more than a month since I've been to the gym. I know I should go back, but I'm really not excited about it. You know why? Because I know that when I go back, it'll hurt. I know my muscles will be sore after I start running and lifting weights again.

When I coached softball, the girls always said the same thing about the start of the season. During tryouts the girls would be so sore they couldn't move. But for any of us who have experienced that initial pain, we know it gets better, right? If we keep exercising, our muscles get stronger. Our bodies respond because they're made to exercise. The pain actually begins to feel kind of good. In fact, when I exercise regularly, I feel better. I have more energy, my attitude improves, and I actually look forward to the next time I get to work out.

Facing the pain of your past and feeling your emotions is kind of like that. At first, you may not want to do it. It hurts to go back to memories and emotions you haven't visited in a while. But, just like going to the gym, once you allow yourself to feel, you'll get stronger. Just like your muscles, your emotions will respond—they're made to be felt and expressed. We promise you, if you read through this book, complete the exercises, and share with someone what you're learning, you'll begin to grow. Yes, there will be some pain involved, but just like my trainer told me, "No pain, no gain!" The gain you'll experience from feeling and expressing your pain is healing and true freedom.

Pain in the Bible

The Bible has a lot to say about your pain and your past and how to deal with them fully to find healing. Many people assume that facing your pain means feeling sorry for yourself. Those people would think that counseling and talking about the past; comes from a desire to have a pity party. "The past is the past, you can't change it—just move on." Or "Stop thinking about it—what's done is done." Or "The Bible says that you should `forget what is behind,' so what's the point of looking at the past?"

It's common to hear Philippians 3:13 quoted as a reason not to look at the ugly parts of our lives (the things we've done and the things that have been done to us). Sometimes that seems easier and is tempting. It's true that in this verse the writer says, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." But when we read any Scripture, we must look at the big picture of what's being said. Have you ever had someone repeat something you said and totally mess it up by taking one part of the conversation out of context? The same is true here. So let's look at the big picture before we draw our conclusion.

You might be surprised to know that the man who wrote this book (and twelve other books in the New Testament), the apostle Paul, was originally a horrible, cruel abuser. He was a man who had grown up in a strict faith community. In fact, his commitment to...