Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Mark Oestreicher (Marko) is a veteran youth worker and former president of Youth Specialties. The author of dozens of books, including Youth Ministry 3.0 and Middle School Ministry, Marko is a sought after speaker, writer and consultant.  Marko leads The Youth Cartel, providing a variety of resources, coaching and consultation to youth workers, churches and ministries. Marko lives in San Diego with his wife Jeannie and two teenage children, Liesl and Max.  www.whyismarko.com.

Auszug. © Genehmigter Nachdruck. Alle Rechte vorbehalten.

Understanding Your Young Teen

Zondervan

Contents

Acknowledgments.............................................................................................................7Introduction................................................................................................................91. Can Anything Good Come of This Age?......................................................................................172. It's All about Change....................................................................................................293. Walking Hormones? (Physical and Sexual Development)......................................................................414. Mind-Warp (Cognitive Development)........................................................................................655. Roller-Coaster Freak Show (Emotional Development)........................................................................876. Best Friends Forever! (Relational Change)................................................................................1017. I Can Do It! Just Don't Leave Me (Independence)..........................................................................1138. Operating System Upgrade (Spiritual Development).........................................................................1279. White-Hot Temporary (Early Adolescent Culture)...........................................................................14310. The Overlapping Transition (A Few More Implications)....................................................................165My Prayer for You...........................................................................................................173Bonus Chapter: See Jane Face New Issues (by Kara Powell and Brad Griffin of the Fuller Youth Institute).....................175Endnotes....................................................................................................................185About the Author............................................................................................................199

Chapter One

Derek was, well, a challenging kid to have in our middle school group. He was a natural leader, charismatic, and good looking. And he was disruptive. Not disruptive in an "Oh, he just needs to take his medication" way, or even in a "He has all the squirrelly characteristics of a young teen boy, turned to 11 on the dial" way. Derek was intentionally disruptive. His timid mom couldn't control him, and she had no idea what to do with him.

Smart and scheming, Derek would regularly manipulate entire hordes of boys and girls in our group into behaviors that would create havoc and get everyone except Derek in trouble with their parents. If there were a group of kids hiding somewhere in a stairwell, Derek was usually the kid who got them there. If students were caught smoking or drinking, then Derek was likely the provider. If all the kids in a certain section of the room were sitting with their arms crossed and "I dare you to teach me something" expressions firmly fixed on their faces, then they were almost assuredly imitating Derek.

I met many times with both Derek and his mom. I chatted with each of them on the phone frequently. I took Derek out for sodas and meals and showed him grace and love. I tried to help his mom with her challenging role of setting boundaries for him.

While there were certainly many factors involved, the struggle, as it pertained to Derek's disruption in our group, came down to two particularly vivid facts: 1) He didn't want to be there; and 2) his mom used attendance at our group as a punishment. She revealed this to me once, with only the tiniest bit of embarrassment. When she grounded him, he simply ignored it. When she took away other privileges, he either overrode her or manipulated her into reversing her decision. The only thing she'd ever found that "worked" was telling Derek he had to come to our church middle school group. And since he was almost always in trouble for something, we saw Derek fairly regularly.

I asked Derek's mom about this approach—more specifically, I asked if she thought it was healthy for Derek's spiritual development to experience church as a punishment. Her response was revealing: "I don't know what else to do. I can't handle him; when I send him to you, at least I don't have to worry about him for a few hours. I don't understand Derek at all, and I have no idea how to get through to him."

Natalie was another student in that same group. She was the youth group flirt. Her family was extremely active in our church, and she was present at everything we did. She wasn't overtly disruptive like Derek, but she was still exceedingly disinterested in anything other than constant chatting with friends, flirting with boys, and working on her next conquest.

In many ways, Natalie wasn't particularly unique— we had other girls (and guys) with the same values and behaviors. What made Natalie's situation stand out was her parents' perspective. One day they sat with me in my office, very frustrated, and asked, "Why can't you do something about Natalie? Why can't you change her? What's the point of our constantly bringing her to youth group if you can't fix her?" (To be fair, I'm not sure they actually used the word fix; but it was implied, even if they didn't use it.) But the most telling bit of the conversation was one sentence uttered by Natalie's mom: "She and her friends are nothing like I was at that age, and I don't understand her."

Yup, that's it in a nutshell. I've met with hundreds of parents during my years of middle school ministry, observed hundreds (or thousands) more, and often interact with parents of middle schoolers when I'm doing parenting seminars at churches. And this theme—this "I just don't understand my child" theme—is certainly common, if not nearly universal.

In fact, in my experience, just about the only parents of middle schoolers who think they do understand their child are those with an arrogant "What's there to understand?" attitude of indifference.

Common media portrayals of parents and young teens don't help. Parents are usually portrayed as bumbling and immature, while young teens (and teenagers in general) are often portrayed as savvier and smarter than their parents. I don't know about you, but I get really tired of the "doofus dad" stereotype I see on so much of the programming aimed at teenagers (as well as the "neurotic mom" stereotype).

But here's my observation: The gap between the perception many adults have of middle schoolers' potential and their actual potential is fairly wide. Most of this gap is rooted in complex cultural misunderstandings—even fear—of young teens.

I can't tell you how many times, over the years, I've been told by well-meaning church members and leaders: "God bless you for working with those kids; I sure couldn't do it." Or, "You must really be called to work with those kids because I can't understand how you do it."

I want to start this book by reframing a few things. And let's start with this one: The fact that you don't always understand your middle schooler is not cause for throwing in the towel, throwing your hands in the air, or any other defeatist metaphor involving throwing. The fact that you don't always understand your middle schooler is an opportunity. It's an opportunity to learn and grow; it's an opportunity to be...