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Stephen Arterburn is a New York Times bestselling author with more than eight million books in print. He most recently toured with Women of Faith, which he founded in 1995. Arterburn founded New Life Treatment Centers as a company providing Christian counseling and treatment in secular psychiatric hospitals. He also began “New Life Ministries”, producing the number-one Christian counseling radio talk show, New Life Live, with an audience of more than three million. He and his wife Misty live near Indianapolis.

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Is This The One?

Zondervan

Contents

PREFACE: Dating to Beat the Odds......................................71 Date Wisely, Marry Well.............................................132 Ramping Up to Take a Break..........................................293 How to Make Your Own Breaks.........................................434 Red-Flag People to Avoid Dating and Marrying........................635 Put Dating into Your Agenda ... and Vice Versa......................856 Agenda Dating Takes a Holiday.......................................1157 When to Say "Not You" or "Not Now"..................................1398 How to Be Sure You're Marrying the Right Person.....................1619 10 Final Dates before "I Do"........................................17710 10 First-Year Dates after "I Do"...................................203AFTERWORD: So are You ready to Say "I Do"?............................231

Chapter One

Life has many blessings, but few of them are as fun and challenging and wonderful as having a daughter who exceeds all expectations. This is true of my blessing, Madeline Victoria. (I'll put her up against your kids any day, even if you don't have any yet!)

When Madeline stepped into her teen years, I was one very proud dad. My cute little girl was morphing into a beautiful young woman right before my eyes. Apparently, I wasn't the only guy who noticed the transformation. She began saying things like, "Daddy, there's a boy at school who wants to take me on a date." And, "Daddy, when can I start dating?" Like a lot of protective dads, I quietly hoped I could stall her interest in boys for a little while — like into her twenties or thirties! Actually, I wasn't that paranoid, but I was in pain over the prospect of my baby girl being on a real live date once she turned sixteen.

"D-Day" — if you will — came for Madeline a lot sooner than I was ready for it. I squirmed a little inside every time a guy showed up to take her out. I was convinced no boy on God's green earth was good enough for my sweet girl. I wished I could invisibly accompany Madeline on her dates so I could nail any gorilla-armed guy who laid a hand on her. But I was, at the same time, happy to be launching my wonderful girl into a fun and potentially rewarding time of her life.

As it turned out, I got through Madeline's early dating years just fine. But in her later teens, when the same guy kept showing up three or four dates in a row, I really started getting nervous. And when words like "going steady" or "my boyfriend" or "kinda serious" popped up in our talks, my anxiety-o-meter started cranking up toward panic. It was all coming into focus for me. At some point Madeline's dating would end, and one of her young men — maybe one I had already met — would become her husband. Was she ready to make that choice? When I first started thinking about it, it gave me the willies. Now, she's such a mature young woman with the kind of character I never had when I was her age. I believe with a little help from Dad she will make a wise choice.

But my greatest fear in those early days of my daughter dating was that Madeline would marry a real jerk — someone who used her, abused her, broke her heart, or crushed her spirit. And I dreaded the possibility that she would end up the victim of a devastating divorce. I wasn't about to let that happen on my watch. I wanted to do what I could to protect her from the devastating divorce process too many go through.

My fears grew out of personal experience, not as someone who counsels hundreds of men and women torn apart by divorce, but as someone who has been there. In my late forties, around the time Madeline began thinking about junior high boys (she's now in her twenties), my own storybook marriage ended in a betrayal I never suspected and a terribly painful divorce I never thought would happen to me. I was determined to do anything I could to prevent that from happening to my daughter.

And since you're likely in the same situation as Madeline (not married and dating), I have similar feelings about you. Many of your peers are married or thinking about marriage, but you're single. Maybe you're madly in love and wondering if this wonderful person in your life is "the one." Or perhaps you're still hoping and praying to meet the love of your life. Wherever you are in the wide world of searching and dating and waiting, I'm writing this book for you. Despite the tragedy of divorce experienced by so many couples, you have every reason to anticipate an awesome marriage with a wonderful partner, a marriage that will last a lifetime.

Let me tell you why I'm so hopeful for my daughter and for you.

A Strategy for Dating Wisely and Marrying Well

Several months ago it was plain to see Madeline and her boyfriend were getting serious. They stopped dating other people and spent more and more time together. They were beginning to talk about long-term plans for their life together.

My daughter is a young adult, so I have no legal right to tell her whom or when to marry, and I don't intend to. But I love her deeply and want the very best for her. So seeing the glimmer of marriage in her eyes, I issued a dating challenge to Madeline and her boyfriend. I knew my plan would give them the maximum opportunity to avoid the regrets and "if only's" that can lead to divorce.

I am issuing the same challenge to you. I call it the Ten – Date Challenge, and it's a big part of Is this the One? Now, if the idea of a challenge turns you off, please know this book is about much more than accepting a challenge. It's about changing the way you think about dating. And it's about changing what you do on dates by trying some of the fun dating ideas in these pages even if you don't want to get involved in the Challenge.

However, if you do accept my challenge, I am confident it will work for you as it is working for my daughter. Why am I so confident? Because a similar challenge worked for me following my divorce. Here's the story.

After about six months of big-time pain and isolation, I was finally able to get my chin off the floor and sense hope that life was worth living. I knew I wanted to marry again at some point and possibly have more children. But the thought of getting back into the dating scene left me cold. Having already been rejected and betrayed by more than one woman, I cringed at the prospect of revisiting those feelings with every date that didn't work out. All I wanted to do was to meet Ms. Right quickly, settle down, and leave the single life and all its drama behind. That's not what happened, but I sure wanted it to be that way, just like thousands of other singles I have met over the years.

As the host of New Life Live, a daily radio call-in program, I am privileged to work alongside two of the wisest men I know — Henry Cloud and John Townsend. But I don't just work with them; I seek their advice and allow them to speak truth into my life. I have never once regretted going to Henry and John with my struggles and needs.

Having walked with me through my divorce and being aware of my aversion to dating, Henry and John said, "Steve, if you really want to marry again, you have to get out there and meet some...