CHAPTER 1

FIGHTLIKE A MAN

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,it's the size of the fight in the dog.

—Mark Twain

1.1

FIGHT LIKE A MAN

I learned how to fight in the second grade. I was walking homefrom school one day, minding my own second-grader business.Suddenly, a much larger third-grader, Bo Talbot, loomed beforeme, planting himself squarely in my path. Bo was only one yearolder than I was, but I was convinced that his parents had kepthim out of school for a few years to be molded by UFC trainers,bruisers who gave him steroids to snack on between weightliftingsessions.

Bo grabbed my shirt with one hand, drawing his other handback into a fist the size of a wrecking ball. Through clenchedteeth, he snarled, "Groeschel, are you gay?"

Since it was 1975 and I was only eight years old, I wasn't reallysure what gay meant. As my mind raced to respond, I landed onmy mom's one lifelong rule: always tell the truth. Squinting up athim, bracing myself for his fist's meteoric impact, I stammered,"I-I-I'm not sure. C-c-can I get back to you tomorrow?"

Truth can be a dazzling weapon. Bo was startled by my stallingtactic. He stood there for several seconds, frozen like a statueof a Greek warrior, mulling it over. After an awkward silence, hereleased me and said, "Okay. But you better tell me tomorrow."He walked away, and the crisis was temporarily placed on pause.

Whew! Mom was right. Always tell the truth.

Trembling, I scampered home and found my mother pilingmy dirty socks into the washing machine. My future hangingin the balance, I blurted out my big question, not revealingmy near-death experience. As nonchalantly as I could, I asked,"Mom, what does gay mean?"

She hesitated—the same way I hesitated recently when myeight-year-old daughter asked me how she got into her mom'stummy before she was born. My mom's hesitation should haveraised a red flag for me, but I guess in my heightened state offear, I overlooked it.

"Honey," she said with calming assurance, "gay just means'happy.' "

And that was the moment my mom broke her own rule andruined her perfect record.

Huh. So gay means happy. That made sense to my second-grademind, even if it seemed strange that a bully would askabout my happiness.

The next day after school, I found myself cornered by Boonce again. Like an actor resuming his place onstage, he stoodover me, his fist drawn back, using my shirt collar as a handle.Then he asked the fateful question, drawing out the words fordramatic effect: "Craig, are ... you ... gay?"

I grinned broadly, proud to know how to answer. "Sure am.Been gay my whole life. I'm probably the gayest guy you've evermet!"

I don't remember much of what happened after that. I doremember a ringing sound and a metallic flavor in my mouth,the disinctive taste of blood. I understood then why a cartooncharacter who gets hit sees stars and sometimes little birds. Bo'swallop gave me a vivid glimpse into the cartoon dimension.

The whole side of my face swelled like a melon. My headweighed twice as much as the rest of my body. As my wateryeyes came clear, I blinked there in Bo's shadow, his massive framestill towering over me. He promised there would be plenty morebeatings, every day after school for the rest of my life. Then hewalked away.

At that moment, I didn't feel very gay at all.

When the dizziness wore off enough that I could stand, Istaggered home in shame. My very first fight and I didn't evenget a punch in. Getting beaten up was bad enough. Gettingbeaten up for being happy was infinitely worse.

1.2

HOLDING OUTFOR A HERO

We love to root for the underdog. We love to see good triumphover evil and courage defeat cowardice. We love to see righteousnessprevail and unrighteousness punished. Andwe love a hero who refuses to give up the fight no matter howimpossible the odds.

Right now we're starving for heroes. We're no longer surprisedwhen men we once admired and respected—electedofficials, superstar athletes, gifted pastors—tumble in a sexscandal, an embezzlement scheme, or a domestic abuse arrest.We've almost become jaded, half-expecting our leaders andfavorite celebrities to be hiding something. Most are, right?

We hope they'll make sacrifices, take risks, and make harddecisions to do the right thing, but we aren't surprised whenthey don't. We lack real heroes, and Hollywood fills the voidwith a glut of superheroes—Iron Man and Batman and Thorand Spider-Man and Avengers and X-Men—dazzling us withtheir powers in 3D and on Blu-ray. But we still long for someoneto show us what an authentic flesh-and-blood hero looks like.

Where have all the good men gone?

I read a book recently that suggests that our culture has triedto turn the good men into women—nicer, softer, kinder, morecompassionate, and fashion savvy. Forgive me for stating theobvious, but men are not women. (For the record, women don'tmake good men either.) After all, God created us differently. "SoGod created human beings in his own image. In the image ofGod he created them; male and female he created them" (Gen.1:27 NLT). Both men and women reflect the image of God, butin distinct ways.

I'm convinced that one of the most profound ways has to dowith how we use our manhood. God created men to have theheart of a warrior, placing a desire within us to stand up andfight for what's pure, for what's true. A man has a warrior's heart.You have a warrior's heart. You itch for a fight. That's God'sdesign, not ours. That doesn't mean that men should be aggressive,alpha-bully punks. (Nor does it mean that women can't fightfor what's right as well.) It simply means that within every man,God has planted a divine desire to fight for righteousness.

Think about it this way. There are two kinds of movies:chick flicks and, well, everything else. Do chick flicks inspiremen? Do they make them want to be stronger, braver, bettermen? Remember that Cary Grant movie, An Affair to Remember?Remember when Deborah Kerr's character says, "If you canpaint, I can walk—anything can happen, right?" Have you everknown a guy to watch that movie? If you're a guy, you don't evenknow what I'm talking about, do you?

What about in Pride and Prejudice when Keira Knightley'scharacter says to her new husband, "You may only call me 'Mrs.Darcy' when you are completely and perfectly and incandescentlyhappy." And he responds with, "Then how are you thisevening ... Mrs. Darcy?" and kisses her on the forehead. Andthen, "Mrs. Darcy," as he kisses her on the cheek. And then,"Mrs. Darcy," as he kisses her on the nose. Again, if you're aguy, you have no idea what I'm talking about, right? Or if you doknow, you're trying hard to forget.

What about Braveheart? Mel Gibson, blue-faced, says, "Fight,and you may die. Run, and you'll live. At least a while. And dyingin your beds, many years from now, would you be willing totrade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance—justone chance—to come back here and tell our enemies that theymay take our lives [raising his sword over his head], but they'llnever take our freedom?"

Remember Gladiator? Russell Crowe, in his cool Roman generaluniform, spurs his horse forward through the forest, calling,"Brothers, what we do in life echoes in eternity!"

For men, there's a part of us that thinks, I wish I could havebeen there. I would have fought. You don't have to hide it from me.A part of me thinks that too. You know why? Because that'show we're wired. Men are supposed to respond that way. A manwith nothing to fight for quickly becomes a frustrated man, oftenwithout a clue as to why.

Fighting for what's right stirs something inside a man. Itmakes him want to be not just a man but the man. The best manhe can be. A man knows deep inside himself what God wantshim to be: a hero with a warrior's heart.

1.3

BE THE MAN

A few months after my wife, Amy, and I got married, somethingdawned on her that she hadn't thought of before: shehad married a man. I do things a lot differently than women do.We'd been married four years when it finally came to a head.We had just gotten our first dishwasher, and one day I foolishlyattempted to load it by myself. I thought I was helping, but Ididn't realize there's a right way to load a dishwasher and, apparently,a wrong way. I figured, just stuff everything in, start it,and you're good.

When Amy saw my attempt to be helpful, she gasped. "Craig!You loaded it all wrong!"

"Wrong? How could it be wrong?" We had a little spat, whichended with her sighing and saying, "Oh, Craig, you're just such a... a man!" I thought, Uh, hello! Darn right, I'm a man. For years,scenarios just like this one played out, with her doing thingsher way and me doing things like a man. Eventually, she'd say,"Couldn't you just do this more like a woman?" One day I finallygot fed up. "You should have married a woman. I'm never gonnabe able to do this like a woman."

Then one time when Amy and I were having one of thesedifferences of opinion, it looked like it was going to end like italways did—in a draw. But then my amazing wife said somethingso profound, it changed my life. "Craig," she said, "I wantyou to know something. Right now, as of this moment, I amchoosing to one hundred percent completely embrace you as theman that God created you to be. I won't ask you to be anythingelse." From that moment on, our marriage improved like youwouldn't believe.

Let me clarify something here. I'm not saying men are betterand they need to lord over women like tyrants. I'm not sayingwomen are better and need to emasculate their husbands. I'msimply saying that we're different, and since it was God whomade us this way, that's a good thing. That day, Amy recognizedthe difference, and she empowered me to embrace the fullnessof being God's man for her and for our family. So let me say acouple more things that you need to know as you read along.

Guys, this book is for you. The last thing you need is anotherbook, podcast, motivational CD, or even Bible study that tellsyou how to be a man of God in four easy steps. That's not whatwe're doing here. We're focusing on the core issue that I'm convincedwill motivate you deep within your heart: being a warriorand knowing when and how to fight.

If you read this book, you will uncover who you really are—aman created with a warrior's heart in the image of God—andhow to fight the good fight for what's right. You will find thestrength to fight the battles you know you need to fight—theones that determine the state of your heart, the quality of yourmarriage, and the spiritual health of your family. The battlesthat make you dependent on God as the source of your strength.The battles that make you come alive.

Ladies, if you're reading this book, you probably should putit down. It's not for you.

Put it down. Please. Now.

I'm serious.

You're still reading, aren't you?

I understand, and really I want you to keep reading. Justlike I wanted Amy to understand that I can never be anythingother than a man, I believe most husbands want their wives torecognize the same about them. So if you're going to keep reading,I hope you will use this as an insider's guide to help yourman fight the right battles. And not just to fight them but to winthem. I hope you'll empower him to be who God made him to be.

If you do, he will exceed your wildest dreams. He'll blowyour old expectations away. So if you're going to keep reading,please don't try to make him into what you think you want. Justencourage him to be the man God created him to be. Simplyrecognize that God put something different inside him: the heartof a warrior.

1.4

WE ARE THEWARRIORS

The Bible says that God is a God of mercy and grace. And inExodus we're told that "the Lord is a warrior; the Lord is hisname" (15:3, emphasis mine). So if we're created in God's image,as we saw in Genesis, then we too are warriors as part of ournature. Again, I'm not saying that women can't be warriors too.It's just that being a warrior is core to men's identity. It's not justa cultural, patriarchal thing. It's a God thing, inherent in ourCreator's design.

Consider what the Bible has to say about fathers, anotherterm that's used to describe God as well as men. Psalm 127:4–5says, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born inone's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.They will not be put to shame when they contend with theirenemies in the gate" (NIV 1984, emphasis mine).

Warriors.

And then there's the greatest warrior who ever lived, Jesus.Many of us imagine Christ based on the pictures we've seenpainted of him, meek and mild, smiling. Children gathered athis feet adoring him. Sheep flitting about on the hillsides aroundhim. Healing the sick, comforting the poor. Just a gentle force forgood wherever he floats.

I'm exaggerating (but only slightly). If you look at the life ofChrist, he was not a divine doormat. Imagine Jesus, with righteousanger, violently toppling the tables of the corrupt moneychangers in his Father's temple. Or consider this picture ofChrist's return as envisioned by John: "I saw heaven standingopen and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is calledFaithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war. Hiseyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns.... Heis dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word ofGod.... Coming out of his mouth is a sharp sword with which tostrike down the nations. 'He will rule them with an iron scepter.'... On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KINGOF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS" (Rev. 19:11–16).

This is the Good Shepherd, meek and mild? If you're likemost Christians, you're probably thinking, That's not how I pictureJesus, as some wild warrior leading with a war cry. Christiansaren't supposed to fight back. Whatever happened to turning the othercheek?

Turning the other cheek comes from Matthew 5:38–39,where Jesus teaches, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye foreye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them theother cheek also."

Certainly Jesus is the promised Prince of Peace (Isa. 9:6).God's mercy and compassion are new every morning (Lam.3:22–23). God has given us so much more than we could everdeserve, sacrificing his own Son for our sins (John 1:29; 3:16;Heb. 10:10).

These and other truths have led many people to imagine Jesusas meek and mild, a poor Galilean carpenter who played withchildren and tended sheep. The problem with this depiction isnot so much that it is inaccurate as that it is incomplete. Such a"snapshot" of Jesus typically comes from just a few Bible verses(sometimes even just one verse). That kind of cherry-picking cangive us only part of the whole picture.

We must consider all of what the Bible tells us to fully appreciateGod's character and Jesus' example. This is what we'll bedoing throughout this book: looking not only at the life of Christbut also at the life of someone who bore some startling similaritiesto most men today—our good buddy Samson. Yep, the dudewith the rippling biceps and hippie hair and a thing for Delilah.You may be surprised by how much we have in common withthis guy. Things didn't turn out so well for him in the end, butby looking at his life, we'll learn how to defeat the demons thatmake strong men weak. We'll learn how to become who Godmade us to be: men who know how to fight for what's right.