Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Gary Smalley was one of the country’s best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. In addition to writing The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love with John Trent, their book The Language of Love (newly revised and updated) won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life. His national infomercial, Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships, has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

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For Better or for Best

Zondervan

Contents

Introduction....................................................................................................91 LASTING RELATIONSHIPS DON'T JUST HAPPEN.......................................................................132. EIGHT WAYS HUSBANDS HURT THEIR WIVES.........................................................................193. THE HIDDEN REASONS MEN ACT THE WAY THEY DO...................................................................294. HELPING YOUR HUSBAND BECOME MORE SENSITIVE...................................................................395. MOTIVATING YOUR HUSBAND TO LISTEN TO YOU.....................................................................476. MOTIVATING YOUR HUSBAND TO CHANGE............................................................................597. HOW TO INCREASE YOUR HUSBAND'S DESIRE TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOU.........................................858. HOW TO GAIN YOUR HUSBAND'S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION ON A CONSISTENT BASIS.........................................1119. HOW TO INCREASE YOUR HUSBAND'S SENSITIVITY TO YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND DESIRES...............................11910. HOW TO GAIN YOUR HUSBAND'S COMFORT AND UNDERSTANDING INSTEAD OF LECTURES AND CRITICISM......................13111. HOW TO MOTIVATE YOUR HUSBAND TO RECEIVE YOUR CORRECTION WITHOUT DEFENSIVENESS...............................13912. HOW TO GAIN YOUR HUSBAND'S APPRECIATION AND PRAISE..........................................................14913. HOW TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND SHARE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND THE HOUSEHOLD NEEDS.....................15914. HOW TO MOTIVATE YOUR HUSBAND TO MEET YOUR MATERIAL NEEDS....................................................17115. HOW TO INCREASE AND DEEPEN YOUR HUSBAND'S AFFECTION FOR YOU.................................................18116. HOW TO BECOME YOUR HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND....................................................................193Please Don't Forget.............................................................................................203Resources.......................................................................................................205

Chapter One

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An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. Proverbs 31:10

Jim stared silently at the television set while Carol ached inside, wondering why he was angry at her again. They had only been married a year, and Carol could already see their relationship deteriorating. She couldn't help but wonder if she would soon join the millions of other couples whose marriages have ended in divorce. When she finally broke the silence by asking Jim what was wrong, he refused to answer her. Hurting for a few minutes, she repeated the question. his response wounded her so deeply, she began to doubt her adequacy as a wife.

He said, "I'm sick and tired of you taking everything so seriously. you're just too sensitive! If I had known you were this emotional, I probably never would have married you. But since we are married, I think you need to do your part. Cut out the overreacting and stop being so touchy about what I say and do. If we're going to have any kind of marriage, you have to stop being so childish!"

Sound familiar? With these harsh words, Jim unknowingly has set their relationship on a destructive path leading to some very unattractive changes—changes that will likely lead to the ultimate disintegration of their relationship. Jim's main problem, shared by thousands of other husbands, is that he fails to understand the basic differences between men and women. Jim has taken two of his wife's greatest natural strengths, her sensitivity and intuitive awareness of life, and labeled them weaknesses. In response to Jim's reproof, Carol, like thousands of other wives, will begin to form a calloused, hardened attitude toward life in general, and Jim in particular. If their marriage lasts more than a few years, Jim will find to his dismay that Carol's sensitivity has finally been subdued and that he has lost most or all of his attraction to her. If only he could remember that her sensitivity was one of the first things that attracted him. If only he understood that her alertness was one of her greatest strengths. And if only he began treating her with tenderness, gentleness, and kindness, their relationship would grow stronger and more fulfilling.

The emotional and mental differences between men and women (described in detail in chapter 3) can become insurmountable obstacles to a lasting, fulfilling relationship when ignored or misunderstood. however, those same differences, when recognized and appreciated, can become stepping stones to a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.

Women, for example, have a tremendous advantage in two of life's most important areas: loving God and loving others (Matt. 22:36–40). Women have an intuitive ability to develop meaningful relationships and a desire for intimate communication, and this gives them the edge in what Jesus described as the two greatest commandments. God said that it was not good for man to dwell alone, and He created a significant helper and completer—woman. Men definitely need help with making and maintaining relationships, but how women can help so that men listen and receive their help is the thrust of this book.

When a woman understands her strengths for what they are, her self-image will be practically indestructible, no matter how her husband belittles her. When both husband and wife understand each other and begin to respond to one another accordingly, their relationship can blossom into the marriage they dreamed of. Carol can begin to make Jim aware of her deeper needs for love, assurance, and security, without feeling selfish for desiring fulfillment of her needs. Unfortunately, at the rate Jim and Carol are going, it probably won't be long before they end their marriage in divorce.

But don't despair! Your marriage does not have to become part of these grave divorce statistics. With the right tools, you can carve a more fulfilling marriage out of a seemingly hopeless one, and this book will provide you with many of those tools. But the tools by themselves will never get the job done. They have to be picked up and used properly and consistently if they are to bring the intended results.

If your husband is willing to work beside you, you'll strengthen your marriage that much faster. That's why I believe the greatest benefits will result when this book is used in conjunction with the book for your husband, If Only He Knew. When a husband understands his wife's needs and learns how to meet those needs, the relationship will grow more quickly.

In counseling, I have found that if I can get the husband to do his part first, it's much easier for the wife to carry out her responsibilities in the relationship with greater enthusiasm and commitment. Unfortunately, women are usually more concerned about deepening their marital relationships than men. That's why your book was written first; I felt that you would be the one with the greater...