Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

For the last ten years, Jonathan Acuff has written advertising for clients ranging from the Home Depot to Chick-fil-A. In addition to his many day jobs, he also writes a blog called www.stuffchristianslike.net. He and his wife live with their two daughters outside of Atlanta, Georgia.

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Sometimes, we fall in love on mission trips even though we know we'll break up when we get back. Sometimes, you have to shot block a friend's prayer because she's asking God to bless an obviously bad dating relationship. Sometimes, you think, “I wish I had a t-shirt that said ‘I direct deposit my tithe' so people wouldn't judge me.”

Sometimes, the stuff that comes with faith is funny.

This is that stuff.

Jonathan Acuff's Stuff Christians Like is your field guide to all things Christian. In it you'll learn the culinary magic of the crock-pot. Think you've got a Metro worship leader--Use Acuff's checklist. Want to avoid a prayer handholding faux pas? Acuff has you covered.

Like a satirical grenade, Acuff brings us the humor and honesty that galvanized 450,000 online readers from 199 countries in a new portable version. Welcome to the funny side of faith.

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Stuff Christians Like

Zondervan

Contents

Introduction.......................................7My Bad.............................................17Prayer.............................................47Love On............................................71Church.............................................79God................................................123Witnessing.........................................136The Bible..........................................149Parents............................................162Missional Postmodern Relevance.....................170Saturday Night Cryfest.............................187Conclusion.........................................204Acknowledgments....................................205

Chapter One

One time I went to an R-rated movie with a friend who works at a church. On the way out he noticed two people who knew him. He grabbed me before they recognized us and we hid out until we thought they were gone. Turns out they waited for us in the hall. I didn't work at a church, so all I had done was commit a regular sin. My friend had broken some sort of church employee, "Never see the movie Desperado starring Latin sensation Antonio Banderas" covenant, so I immediately threw him under the bus and said, "It's embarrassing, really, seeing pastors behave like this. The three of us are all just normal Christians; this guy is a professional. He should be ashamed of himself." Then I swore for emphasis, but it was one of the okay swears, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT BEING "FED" AT CHURCH

If you want to become a professional church grumbler, not just some amateur occasionally throwing rocks at the worship service, minister, or other attributes of the church, there's one key phrase you need to know:

"I'm not being fed."

This simple complaint-the teaching is lacking, the sermons are thin, the worship music is not uplifting enough, or a million other things that people find inadequate-is the official complaint of church grumblers the world over. If we could figure out a way to monetize it, we could permanently end world poverty. Forget cold fusion; if we could generate energy every time someone says this phrase, we'd be able to break our dependence on foreign oil in about four minutes.

It's such a perfect thing to say because it deflects any attention away from me, while at the same time creating false humility and making me seem spiritually mature and advanced. "It's not you, it's me. I just want to learn. I'm admitting that I am incomplete. I'm hungry for deep, real spiritual teaching. I'm humbly confessing that I'm not getting enough out of church. Please help me get the rich faith-building experiences that I so desperately need."

Just be careful who you say this to. Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, "I'm not being fed," he replies, "I'm perfectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself."

WATCHING R-RATED MOVIES ... BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE VIOLENT

For Christians, it's completely okay to watch R-rated movies, but only if they got that rating because of violence. If they're rated R because someone is getting their head cut off or there's a battle scene that's so gory, blood splashes on the camera lens, don't worry. God's cool with that. However, if the movie is rated R because of sexuality ... well, I hope you enjoy your fold-out couch bed in hell. It's gonna be a hot one, my friend. A hot one, indeed.

I'm not sure where this rule came from, but it's true. Not only do Christians watch violent R-rated movies, we'll quote them from the pulpit, build sermon series around them-even show clips from them during service. I call it The Braveheart Rule, and my theory is that it's because of the Old Testament.

Have you ever read any of the Old Testament? It's hardcore. Samson smashes people in the head with a donkey jawbone. A priest runs a spear through two people having sex. David carries Goliath's head around like a bowling ball. It's violent. I think that Christians read that and assume, "Cool. God's down with some wanton violence. R-rated movies, here we come!"

But if there's any nudity, if a single nipple makes a cameo at any point, forget it. Throw that piece of nonsense in the trash. That is horrible. We'll have to wait until they show the edited version on TBS.

JUDGING FUNDAMENTALISTS FOR BEING JUDGMENTAL

You know what I don't like about fundamentalist Christians? They're so judgmental. I really don't like when people do that. Don't they know we're supposed to be about love and not judgment? Jesus called us to love him with all our heart and all our mind and all our soul. And to love others! Don't they get that? It's about love!

I'm just so sick of their negative attitudes.

They hate dancing too. Did you know that? I'm not making that up or perpetuating a stereotype. They all hate dancing. They even made a documentary about it one time starring John Lithgow and Hollywood's Kevin Bacon. Gripping stuff really, but I doubt any fundamentalists saw it because they hate popular culture. Ugh, I can barely stand how judgmental they are.

You know they don't drink alcohol, right? Oh no, don't ever offer them a glass of wine or a pint of beer. They'll throw that right back in your face. That's kind of a litmus test I use to determine whether you're a fundamentalist or not. If I suggest we have a glass of red wine and you refuse, then I know. I know exactly what you're all about and I can read the depths of your spiritual walk just by that simple refusal. You're a fundamentalist and you're judgmental.

Sure, I don't know many fundamentalists personally, because I can't stand being around people who are judgmental, but I caught a few seconds of a church service on television once. I think it was a church in Texas. Most fundamentalists either live in Texas or are planning to move to Texas at some point in their lives. But even though I haven't been to a fundamentalist church in, I don't know, ever, you don't need to go to one to know what they're all about. Fire, brimstone, and above all, being judgmental.

Don't you just hate how judgmental fundamentalists are?

I wish they were more open-minded.

BREAKING UP WITH YOUR SMALL GROUP

Many Christians reach a point in their small group relationship where they realize, "This isn't working for me anymore. I need to see other small groups."

It's a tricky situation, fraught with unique challenges. Do you take the passive-aggressive route-just stop showing up? Make excuses until eventually they stop calling? Can you skip group without looking like you're skipping God, because you still love him, right? Do you organize a mutiny and try to take other couples with you? "I can't keep studying the book of Job. I'm making a break for it; we're starting a new group and heading to the border of the New Testament. I think we've got room for two other people in our car. Three if someone will sit in the way back, but Hank and Stacy aren't going to be able to make it. Don't look back. Just run. Run!"

Do you work hard to make them want to dump you? When you host it at your house, do you serve...