Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children - Softcover

Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist, pastor to pastors, and New York Times bestselling author. His 45 books, including the iconic Boundaries, have sold over 20 million copies worldwide. Throughout his storied career as a clinician, he started treatment centers, created breakthrough new models rooted in research, and has been a leading voice on issues of mental health and leadership on a global scale. Dr. Cloud lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.

Dr. John Townsend is a nationally known leadership consultant, psychologist, and author, selling over 10 million books, including the New York Times bestselling Boundaries series. John founded the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling and the Townsend Leadership Program. Dr. Townsend travels extensively for corporate consulting, speaking events, and to help develop leaders, their teams, and their families. John and his family live in Southern California and Texas. Visit DrTownsend.com.

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What the award-winning Boundaries has done for adult relationships, Boundaries with Kids will do for you and your children

Here is the help you need for raising your kids to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.

Learn how to
• set limits and still be a loving parent
• bring control to an out-of-control family life
• apply the ten laws of boundaries to parenting
• define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids
… and much more.

“Boundaries with Kids helps us give our kids the skills they need to live realistic and full lives in meaningful relationships. Not perfect--but healthy!”
--Elisa Morgan, president of MOPS International, Inc.

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Boundaries with KidsWe want to hear from you. Please send your comments about thisbook to us in care of zreview@zondervan.com. Thank you.The Future Is NowIt was a normal day, but one that would forever change myfriend's parenting.We had finished dinner, and I (Dr. Cloud) was visiting withmy friend, Allison, and her husband, Bruce, when she left thedinner table to do some chores. Bruce and I continued to talkuntil a phone call took him away as well, so I went to see if Icould lend Allison a hand.I could hear her in their fourteen-year-old son Cameron'sroom. I walked in to a scene that jolted me. She was cheerfullyputting away clothes and sports equipment and making thebed. She struck up a conversation as if things were normal: 'Ican't wait for you to see the pictures from our trip. It was somuch---''What are you doing?' I asked.'I'm cleaning up Cameron's room,' she said. 'What does itlook like I'm doing?''You are what?''I told you. I'm cleaning up his room. Why are you lookingat me like that?'All I could do was to share with her the vision in my head.'I just feel sorry for Cameron's future wife.'Allison straightened up, froze for a moment, and then hurriedfrom the room. I walked into the hall to see her standing theremotionless. Not knowing what to say, I said nothing. After a fewmoments, she looked at me and said, 'I've never thought aboutit that way.'Nor have most of us. We parent in the present without thinkingabout the future. We usually deal with the problems at hand.Making it through an afternoon without wanting to send our childrento an eight-year camp in Alaska seems like a huge accomplishment!But one goal of parenting is to keep an eye on thefuture. We are raising our children to be responsible adults.Parents interact with their children in a way that comes naturallyto them. For example, Allison was by nature a 'helper,'and she gladly helped her son. Others have different parentingstyles. Some, who are more laid back and uninvolved, leavetheir son's room alone. Those who are stricter inflict heavy punishmentfor a less than regulation-made bed.Certainly, child rearing requires many different interventions.There are times for helping, for not getting involved, or for beingstrict. But the real issue is this: Is what you are doing being doneon purpose? Or are you doing it from reasons that you do notthink about, such as your own personality, childhood, need ofthe moment, or fears?Remember, parenting has to do with more than the present.You are preparing your child for the future. A person's characteris one's destiny.A person's character largely determines how he will functionin life. Whether he does well in love and in work depends on theabilities he possesses inside. In a world that has begun to explainaway people's behavior with a variety of excuses, people areleft wondering why their lives do not work. Most of our problemsresult from our own character weakness. Where we possessinner strength, we succeed, often in spite of tough circumstances.But where we do not possess inner strength, we either get stuckor fail. If a relationship requires understanding and forgivenessand we do not have that character ability, the relationship willnot make it. If a difficult time period in work requires patienceand delay of gratification and we do not possess those traits, wewill fail. Character is almost everything.The word character means different things to different people.Some people use character to mean moral functioning orintegrity. We use the word to describe a person's entire makeup,who he is. Character refers to a person's ability and inability, hismoral makeup, his functioning in relationships, and how he doestasks. What does he do in certain situations, and how does he doit? When he needs to perform, how will he meet those demands?Can he love? Can he be responsible? Can he have empathy forothers? Can he develop his talents? Can he solve problems? Canhe deal with failure? How does he reflect the image of God?These are a few of the issues that define character.If a person's character makeup determines his future, thenchild rearing is primarily about helping children to develop characterthat will take them through life safely, securely, productively,and joyfully. Parents---and those who work with children---would do well to keep this in mind. A major goal of raisingchildren is to help them develop the character that will maketheir future go well.It wasn't until Allison saw this future reality that her parentingchanged. She loved helping Cameron. But in many ways herhelping was not 'helping' Cameron. He had developed a patternin which he felt entitled to everyone else's help, and thisfeeling of entitlement affected his relationships at school andat church. Allison had always been glad to help Cameron throughthe messes he was creating. Another undone project was anotheropportunity to love him.Yet Allison was not only a mother, but also a grown womanand a wife. When she looked into the future and saw a time whenCameron would be leaving responsibilities for others to do, shebecame concerned. What a mother doesn't mind doing, othersdeplore. She glimpsed the reality of character destiny. And shechanged how she interacted with Cameron to help him developa sense of responsibility, to help him think about how his behavioraffected others and whether or not others would want to bea part of his future.It is in this sense that we say the future is now. When youare a parent, you help create a child's future. The patterns childrenestablish early in life (their character) they will live out later.And character is always formed in relationship. We can't overestimateyour role in developing this character. As Proverbs says, 'Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old hewill not turn from it' (Proverbs 22:6).Preventive MedicineIn 1992 we wrote Boundaries, a book about taking controlof one's life. In Boundaries we talked about how to repair thebrokenness in character caused by a lack of boundaries. Sincethat time, through workshops and on radio and television, wehave spoken to more than a million people about creating boundariesin their lives. Thousands have told us that creating boundarieshas enabled them to love and to live better, some for thefirst time. Nothing is more exciting than to see people growand change.But from our own experience and that of our audiences andreaders, one thing became obvious to us. Adults with boundaryproblems had not developed those problems as grown-ups.They had learned patterns early in life and then continued thoseout-of-control patterns in their adult lives, where the stakes werehigher. They had learned the following boundary problems asyoungsters:* Inability to say no to hurtful people or set limits onhurtful behavior from others* Inability to say no to their own destructive impulses* Inability to hear no from others and respect their limits* Inability to delay gratification and accomplish goalsand tasks* Tendency to be attracted to irresponsible or hurtfulpeople and then try to 'fix' them* Taking responsibility for other people's lives* Ability to be easily manipulated or controlled