The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal about Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship - Hardcover

Northrup, Chrisanna; Schwartz, Pepper; Witte, James

 
9780307951632: The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal about Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship
Hardcover
ISBN 10: 0307951634 ISBN 13: 9780307951632
Verlag: CROWN PUB INC, 2013

Inhaltsangabe

Based on data obtained from nearly 100,000 respondents, here is the ultimate resource for anyone who wants to learn the relationship-tested ways couples can achieve satisfaction and contentment in areas such as communication, sex, affection, and financial cooperation.

What constitutes “normal” behavior among happy couples? What steps you should take if that “normal” is one you want to strive for? To help answer those questions, wellness entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup teamed with two of America’s top sociologists, Yale Ph.D. Pepper Schwartz and Harvard Ph.D. James Witte, to design a unique interactive survey that would draw feedback from around the world.

What has resulted is the clearest picture yet of how well couples are communicating, romancing each other, satisfying each other in the bedroom, sharing financial responsibilities, and staying faithful – or not. Since theNormal Bar survey methodology sorts for age and gender, racial and geographic differences and sexual preferences, the authors are able to reveal , for example, what happens to passion as we grow older, which gender wants what when it comes to sex, the factors that spur marital combat, how kids figure in, how being gay or bisexual turns out to be both different and the same, and –regardless of background -- the tiny habits that drive partners absolutely batty.

The book is dense with revelations, from the unexpected popularity of certain sexual positions, to the average number of times happy – and unhappy -- couples kiss, to the prevalence of lying, to the surprising loyalty most men and women feel for their partner (even when in a deteriorating relationship), to the vivid and idiosyncratic ways individuals of different ages, genders and nationalities describe their “ideal romantic evening.”

Much more than a peek behind the relationship curtain, The Normal Bar offers readers an array of prescriptive tools that will help them establish a “new normal.” Mindful of what keeps couples stuck in ruts, the book’s authors suggest practical and life-changing ways to break cycles of disappointment and frustration.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

CHRISANNA NORTHRUP created The Normal Bar project and is the CEO of YOU Got Challenged! Inc., a customized online program that motivates people to change their normal to a healthier one. PEPPER SCHWARTZ received her Ph.D. in sociology from Yale University, is a Professor of Sociology at the University of Washington, and is the author of 16 books. JAMES WITTE, a Harvard Ph.D., is the Professor of Sociology and Director of the Center for Social Science Research at George Mason University.

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Chapter 1

The Normal Bar Is . . .

Are you normal in the way you conduct your relationship?

If you’re like most of the people we asked, the answer is no--or at least you hope you’re not. “Being normal is boring, and I’m not boring,” was the sentiment we heard most often. Many people, in fact, told us they’d do almost anything to avoid being “normal.”

But suppose we asked, “In your interaction with your significant other, are you extremely happy and sexually satisfied the majority of the time?” If normal means being happy and sexually satisfied, you’d probably like to be able to answer yes. So the next question is, how can you attain--and sustain--this kind of normal? Or, put another way, what are the real life keys to a happy relationship?

These questions lie at the heart of The Normal Bar. We set out to ask people around the world, first, what are the most common attitudes and practices in relationships, or what constitutes the “bar” of normalcy; second, how do the “normal bars” of satisfied and dissatisfied couples typically differ; and, finally, what can we learn from these different understandings of normal to help people change their relationships for the better?

As you’ll see from our findings, what people are assumed to be doing in private often bears little or no resemblance to what they actually do. Cultural stereotypes and the media’s fantasies of romance and lust have little to do with what really goes on in relationships, especially since conduct varies over time and across geographic boundaries. Our goal, then, was to drill deep, through and beyond common assumptions, to find out just how typical different romantic and domestic habits truly are--and how different interpretations of behavior correlate with personal and relationship happiness. For instance:

* Does the average couple kiss once a day, once a week, once a month, or even less--and how does the frequency of kissing line up with their satisfaction in the relationship?

* Is everyone having a lot of sex--or is that level of intimacy pretty rare for everyone except newlyweds?

* Does money still predict who makes the rules in a relationship, or have things changed radically as women have become an increasingly important part of the workforce?

* How often do we lie to our partners; and is honesty really the best way to keep peace in the household?

We created an unprecedented interactive relationship survey (see our Appendix for details about the precise methodology) that asked each participant hundreds of questions about the inner workings of compatibility, romance, affection, communication, sex, money, daily decision making, and emotional connection. Then, by linking the survey through Web sites with millions of viewers--such sites as AARP, Huffington Post, Reader’s Digest, and AOL--we collected data from more than 70,000 men and women around the world (in countries including Canada, England, France, Italy, Spain, Hungary, Australia, New Zealand, the Philippines, and China). Finally, as the data streamed in, we mapped behavior globally and tracked the patterns and averages, so that readers could pinpoint exactly where they lined up on the Normal Bar of personal and relationship happiness.

Think of the Normal Bar as a tool you can use to compare different areas of your relationship with typical behavior among others in your age, gender, or cultural group. (We’ll break these group norms down for you, and you may be surprised to see how they differ.) Each of the chapters to come will examine aspects of couples’ lives that affect their happiness and overall satisfaction, from their first weeks and months together, through the day-to-day strains of living together, to the challenges that may threaten their staying together long term. If you find that your own normal in a particular area isn’t working for your relationship, look to the Normal Bar to see what typically works best for others.

To maximize the usefulness of this information, in each chapter we’ll also suggest simple tools or exercises that can help you and your partner reduce conflict, resentment, and stress. “Normal” habits often outlive their usefulness, but the good news is that most couples can, if they choose, rejuvenate their love at any age by creating a new normal. The Normal Bar offers the practical advice you’ll need to make this shift.

Don’t worry: We’re not saying that you have to be “normal” to have a thriving love life, but we will show you which behaviors tend to make for the happiest and strongest couples. You can then use this information to reassess and refine your relationship to your own specifications. Our goal is simply to give you a compass and a toolbox to help move your personal normal into the zone your heart desires.



How Does the Normal Bar Work?

“If I don’t do everything, nothing gets done.”-- female, 38, separated after a 12-year marriage

Let’s look at a simplified real-life example of how the Normal Bar process works. Behold Bob and Andrea, the full-time working parents of twelve-year-old Jack. Every day for the last thirteen years, Andrea has done all the family laundry. She thought that was normal, so her position on the Normal Bar for laundry is clear: she bears 100% of her family’s laundry duty. Bob and Jack, on the other hand, are sitting pretty at 0% of that responsibility.

Over the years, however, Andrea has become resentful of this norm. She doesn’t complain or say anything about it, but she’s started to snap at Jack and Bob whenever they ask for clean socks. The guys, meanwhile, have no idea what’s gotten into Andrea. It seems like such a minor issue. They dismiss her growing agitation, but that only increases Andrea’s resentment. When Bob can’t find his boxers, she lays into him for even asking where they are. The emotional climate in the house is getting worse, but to Andrea, Bob, and Jack it’s a mystery why. They all assume it’s normal for the wife and mother to do all the laundry, so this can’t possibly be the real problem--or can it?

Desperate, Andrea takes a poll of her girlfriends, asking if they do all the laundry in their households. She learns that, while a majority of the wives do all the laundry, there are actually a handful of husbands who do it, and some husbands and wives split the chore--in a few cases, the older kids in the house even help. Most important, from just this small sampling, Andrea learns that a lot of the couples who share the chore seem to have happier relationships than those in which the wife bears the whole burden 100% of the time. Not only is a different normal possible, but it looks like a different normal might be a better normal all around! Armed with this insight, Andrea sees a new way forward.

She gathers her courage and tells her husband and son what she’s learned from her friends and how she feels about doing the laundry. To her surprise, Bob and Jack are relieved that the problem isn’t something more serious. Bob was starting to think that Andrea was unhappy with him or the relationship, not ever imagining that she was just sick of doing the laundry every day. The solution? Bob and Jack agree to share the responsibility, and Andrea’s new normal becomes just a third of her previous duty. This is a norm she can happily accept on an ongoing basis.



Opening the Normal Bar Tool Kit



The smallest issue can erode or even destroy a relationship if it becomes a norm that one of the partners resents. Realizing that a different normal is possible is a vital first step toward addressing the issue and having a...

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Verlag
CROWN PUB INC
Erscheinungsdatum
2013
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
0307951634
ISBN 13 
9780307951632
Einband
Gebundene Ausgabe
Anzahl der Seiten
290
Kontakt zum Hersteller
Nicht verfügbar
Verantwortliche Person
Nicht verfügbar

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