THE IMPORTANCE OF KNOWING YOURSELF AS A PARENT

Often, in the heat of the moment, parents say or do things they do not mean. I'm sure this is true with you, because it is true of all parents for the simple reason that parents are not perfect. In my practice, I have found that when emotions heat up, we all tend to repeat behaviors that were done to us when we were children. So, if we had a dad who tended to hit, that's what we also do. If we had a mom who screamed, that's our tendency. We don't mean to, but because it was programmed into us as very small children, that reaction has become our automatic response.

That is why understanding who you are, as a person and as a parent, is so important. Understanding yourself gives you choices, and when you choose to respond in a specific way, rather than respond automatically, situations more often than not resolve themselves favorably.

Understanding yourself and learning new responses to the buttons your child pushes can stop generations of learned behavior. For example, if you feel unsure, chances are that your parent, grandparent, great-grandparent, and the mother or father who came before them also felt unsure. What a gift it will be to your children for you to wrestle with that feeling and replace it with confidence and strength.

THE PROOF IS IN THE RESEARCH

Research supports the fact that a child who was parented negatively has a high likelihood of parenting her own child in the same manner. It doesn't matter if the adverse parenting was physical, verbal, sexual, neglectful, or just plain inconsistent, generation after generation passes down these damaging behaviors.

A 2009 study looked at data from three generations of Oregon families. It shows that "positive parenting" (which includes factors such as showing warmth, monitoring children's activities, being involved, and practicing consistent discipline) not only has a positive impact on adolescents, but it also has a positive impact on the way they will eventually choose to parent their own children.

In the first study of its kind, David Kerr, assistant professor of psychology at Oregon State University, project director Deborah Capaldi, and co-authors Katherine Pears and Lee Owen of the Eugene-based Oregon Social Learning Center examined surveys from 206 boys who were considered at risk for juvenile delinquency. The boys, then in elementary school, were interviewed and observed, as were their parents.

Starting in 1984, researchers met with the boys every year from the time they were nine years old until they were thirty-three. That is twentyfour years of observation! Additionally, as the boys grew up and started their own families, their partners and children began participating in the study as well.

Kerr writes, "what we find is that negative parenting, such as hostility and lack of follow-through, leads to negative parenting in the next generation not through observation, but by allowing problem behavior to take hold in adolescence. For instance, if you try to control your child with anger and threats, he learns to deal in this way with peers, teachers, and eventually his own children. If you do not track where your child is, others will take over your job of teaching him about the world. But those lessons may involve delinquency and a lifestyle that is not compatible with becoming a positive parent."

While this study followed children from adolescence, in my practice I see these same behavioral trends long before children hit puberty. Children as young as four model behavior; for example, if a parent uses anger and threats when dealing with their child, then their child will use anger and threats when dealing with others.

The study shows that children who experienced high levels of negative parenting were more likely to be antisocial and delinquent as adolescents. Boys who had these characteristics in adolescence were more likely to grow up to be inconsistent and ineffective parents, and to have children with challenging behaviors.

"We knew that these negative pathways can be very strong," Kerr writes. "What surprised us is how strong positive parenting pathways are as well."

Researchers found that children who had parents who monitored behavior, employed consistent rules, and showed warmth and affection were more likely to have close relationships with their peers, be more engaged in school, and have better self-esteem.

"So part of what good parenting does is not only protect you against negative behaviors but instill positive connections with others during adolescence that then impact how you relate with your partner and your own child as an adult," Kerr writes. "This research shows that when we think about the value of prevention, we should consider an even wider lens than is typical. We see now that changes in parenting can have an effect not just on children but even on grandchildren."

THE CULTURAL DIVIDE

In addition to the many parents I see who were born here in America, I see a diverse group of parents who have immigrated to the United States from the Middle East, Eastern Europe, Latin America—virtually every continent on Earth. In treating these families, it is clear that some are not aware that parenting is cultural. For example, in some countries it is normal for parents to slap their children. In other countries it is normal for a woman to stay in the home and not go out in public unless she is chaperoned. When these parents come to the United States they have a choice to make: Do we want to keep this cultural parenting style, or should we adopt a style that is closer to what is normal here in America? It is a difficult, life-changing decision that must involve both parents if it is to be successful.

Cultural Divide: A Case Study

When Susan, Lily's mom, first showed up in my office, it was evident that she hailed from a strictly traditional European family. Her father was the undeniable head of the household and his decisions were always final. In addition to being strict, he was highly critical. He loved his family, but because his father had been critical with him, this was how he related to his own children.

Susan's mother, on the other hand, was very much the proper lady. She was an...