Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls - Softcover

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Lindsay King-Miller received her BA from the University of Arizona and her MFA from Naropa University. She has been writing the advice column "Ask A Queer Chick" for The Hairpin since 2011, and has contributed to Cosmopolitan.com, Bitch Magazine, Buzzfeed, The Toast, and other publications. She lives in Denver with her partner, a lot of books, and two very spoiled cats. She does not have an indoor voice. You can write to her for advice at askaqueerchick@gmail.com. Her first nonfiction book Ask A Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls who Dig Girls was published in 2016, and her debut novel The Z Word is forthcoming from Quirk Books in 2024.

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Kathleen Schmidt

Introduction
How Do You Know You’re a Queer Chick?

In January of 2011, I began writing the advice column Ask A Queer Chick for the Hairpin, a women’s website that had recently launched and had already become something like an intimate party for all the smartest ladies you know—the kind where you drink mojitos with mint someone grew in her garden and get a little too tipsy and end up in a friendly but intense argument over fine points of feminist theory. Back in the day, the Hairpin featured a smorgasbord of advice columns to suit almost any conundrum that might present itself, but none specifically targeted the trials and tribulations of LGBTQ women and the folks who love them. I had never written an advice column before, but as soon as I pitched the idea to then-editor Edith Zimmerman, she was eager to get it going. The column’s name and the mascot, a fluffy baby chick with a pink bow on its head, were her idea.

Initially, I had some concerns that it would be difficult to collect enough questions to keep Ask A Queer Chick going on a regular basis, and I even considered writing a few fake letters myself based on Past Lindsay’s relationship troubles. But as soon as the first column was published, emails came rolling in. It turned out there were quite a few queer chicks reading, and they had questions—boy, did they. The last few years have been a time of exhilarating highs and disheartening lows for the LGBTQ community. With the legal and social climate surrounding queer issues changing so quickly, it was hard for young people to figure out which way was up, much less navigate the obstacle course of coming out and finding love. Dating, sex, being a person in the world—these are things most of us learn by example, from big sisters and older friends and classmates in school. We need the guidance and wisdom of someone who’s already lived through it, but for queer people, those role models are often difficult to find, if not totally nonexistent.

That’s what this book is here for. No, it won’t tell you foolproof ways to meet hot, available women (although I can tell you that my friend Mickey introduced me to the person I ended up marrying, so maybe hit her up). Instead, it will talk you through some of the major roadblocks you might face on your journey through the joy and heartache of queerness, and offer time-tested tips on confidence, communication, self-advocacy, and generally being the best possible version of yourself, so that when you find the person who makes your heart (and genitals) sing, you can sweep her off her feet. Whether you’re struggling with discovering who you are, coming out, hookups, breakups, or anything in between, Ask a Queer Chick is here to help you get through it with style, wit, and self-love.

I’ve been answering your questions for four years, from “Did I wait too long to come out?” to “How should I introduce my girlfriend to my homophobic parents?” to “Is it okay to wear nail polish if I’m gonna, you know . . . ?” I’ve struggled with all these issues in my own life, and I know the feeling of wishing your heart came with an owner’s manual. You’ve been told over and over that “it gets better,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean it gets any easier. So you like girls, but does that make you bisexual, lesbian, gay, queer, pansexual, or just curious? What about all those secret code words and gestures that every girl but you seems to know already? And now that marriage might be on the table, all your (cool) relatives are probably lining up to ask when you’re going to walk down the aisle, even if you have no idea whether you ever want to get married. What’s a lady-lover to do?

In Ask a Queer Chick, you’ll learn the answers to all these questions and more, from social etiquette (dating your friends’ exes, you’ll be glad to learn, is much more acceptable among queer folk than in the straight community) to sex toy etiquette (rechargeables make you look environmentally conscious and therefore more attractive). We’ll talk about how to get dates (an obviously gay haircut isn’t required, but let’s be honest, it helps) and the basics of relationship maintenance (stand between her and your craziest relative when you bring her home for Christmas).

Ask a Queer Chick will also guide you through some of the less sexy aspects of being queer, like what to do when coming out might mean losing your job, and handling your relationships with bigoted family members. We’ll talk about the legal protections at your disposal, what to do when they don’t work, and how you can give back to the community. We’ll chat about biphobia in both the straight and gay communities, and how to fight it. We’ll also discuss the particular challenges queer trans women face, and how cis women can help.

Is This Book for Me?

Throughout Ask a Queer Chick, I’ll be addressing most of the common—and more than a few of the uncommon—questions I’ve received in my years dispensing advice. I’ve abandoned the Q-and-A format for a more general approach, and all of what you’ll read here is new writing, though I’ve touched on many of these topics before. But before we really get into it, there is one topic I want to address right up front. By far the most common question I encounter is some version of the following: “I’m starting to suspect that my sexual orientation and/or gender are not entirely standard, but I’m not sure. Aren’t LGBTQ people supposed to know who they are, from diapers on? How do I know whether I’m gay or bi or queer or maybe genderqueer, or if this is just a phase? Who the hell am I?”

First, some bad news: I don’t know! I have no psychic powers, nor does this book include a handy Myers–Briggs-style test to determine the truth of your orientation, gender, or identity. Who you are and what you call yourself is something that only you get to, or can, decide.

Now for the good news: You don’t have to know yet, either! The words we use to describe ourselves—“straight,” “gay,” “bi,” “trans,” “fluid”—are all just approximations; none of them really captures the complexity of our glorious and specific lives. They’re ways to describe how you feel and what you do, and most important, they’re something you get to choose. There is no right or wrong answer.

Some people will try to convince you that you have only one true identity, and that your job is to find it, possibly by acquiring and following some sort of Lord of the Rings–style treasure map. These people may be either well-intentioned or malicious, but they are definitely not correct. You’re not born with a single identity that is perfect and immutable. The core of who you are doesn’t change, but how you feel, what you do, and what you call yourself may vary based on your experiences, your stage of life, even your location.

If there’s a word that you think might suit you, try it on for a week or a month or a year, and see how it feels. Maybe it will be a perfect fit; maybe it will be a little too tight in the shoulders and you’ll want to trade it in, or at least make some alterations. Or maybe it will feel great at first, but you’ll start to feel a bit of a pinch as time goes on. All of these things are okay! Exchanging one word for another doesn’t necessarily mean you were wrong the first time; it just means that you’re growing and changing and trying new things and learning more about...