Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts - Softcover

Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

SUZANN (“Suzie”) PILEGGI PAWELSKI, MAPP, is a freelance writer and well-being consultant specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on relationships and health. She has a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree from the University of Pennsylvania. Her 2010 Scientific American Mind cover story, "The Happy Couple," was the catalyst for this book. Suzie blogs for Psychology Today and writes the "Science of Well-being" column for Live Happy, where she is also a contributing editor. Previously, she directed award-winning media relations campaigns for Fortune 500 clients and worked in publicity at Radio City Music Hall and as an associate producer for HBO Downtown Productions and The Joan Rivers Show.

JAMES PAWELSKI, Ph.D., is Professor of Practice and Director of Education in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, where he cofounded the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program with Martin Seligman. The Founding Executive Director of IPPA, he is currently leading a three-year, multi-million-dollar grant investigating connections between the science of well-being and the arts and humanities. An international keynote speaker, he has presented in more than 20 countries on 6 continents. He is frequently featured in the media, including the New York Times, U.S. News and World Report, Philadelphia Inquirer, and The Today Show.

Together, Suzie and James regularly lead Romance and Research (TM) workshops around the world.

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Chapter 1

Is Love Really All You Need?

January 16, 2010, was an unusually sunny and balmy Saturday for the dead of winter in Philadelphia. I began that day like any other, with an outdoor run, this time in workout tights and a lightweight T-shirt rather than my heavy fleece and usual winter running attire. The mild weather was a welcome respite from the typical frigid temperatures this time of year, not only because it came after one of the biggest snowstorms in the city's recent history, but also because it was the perfect start to an extraordinary day I'll never forget-a day I had dreamt about all my life. My wedding day. As I ran through the familiar winding roads of my childhood hometown with the sun's golden rays warming my face, I thought to myself that the glorious sunshine boded well for a lifetime of happiness. I mounted the final hill, feeling triumphant.

Six hours later, clad in an exquisite Vienna ball gown, I stood at the altar of the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul, the largest Catholic church in Pennsylvania. I was beaming from having just wed James, the handsome and brilliant man who had captured my heart, dazzling me with his witty charm, sensitive soul, and elegant mind. We have a promising and happy future ahead, I thought to myself. As we stepped off the altar hand in hand, I smiled at our loved ones who had come out to witness and share in our celebration of love. The notes of Beethoven's symphonic "Ode to Joy," performed by the trumpeter and organist we'd hired for this special day, floated around us as we walked slowly down the aisle.

James joined right in, intoning the lyrics in his powerful baritone voice-and in German! "Why am I not surprised?" I laughed to myself, watching him joyfully singing along to the music.

I was suddenly catapulted back to another time when James surprised me with his knowledge. A month or two before our first kiss, we happened to be lingering on the steps of this very cathedral. I showed him a book I was reading, The Confessions of Saint Augustine, and we discussed our mutual admiration for this classic. After a while, James asked me what time it was, and wanting to impress him I responded cheekily, "What then is time?" Without missing a beat, he launched into Augustine's original question in Latin, "Quid est ergo tempus?" Then he continued to quote Augustine in English, "If no one asks me, I know. If I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know."  I was floored. My intention had been to impress him, but now it was I who was impressed! The butterflies that always fluttered in my stomach when I was in his presence now broke into full choreographic celebration.

Like on that first day standing on the cathedral steps together discussing Augustine, I couldn't but feel happy! It was like my past and present had merged together, and time stood still. (What then is time, indeed!) Now once again we stood on the same church steps together, but instead of James reciting Augustine's famous passage on time, he-my modern-day philosopher-poet husband-was soulfully singing the lyrics to "Ode to Joy." Written by yet another genius philosopher, the German poet Friedrich Schiller, the lyrics address another universal topic: the value of an enduring relationship.

Whoever has created an abiding friendship,

Or has won a true and loving wife,

All who can call at least one soul theirs,

Join in our song of praise. . . .

I felt full of vitality and positive emotions. It was the perfect day to begin our lives together. A natural-born optimist, I was certain that this loving feeling would last forever.

Sitting on the balcony of our high-rise condominium in Philadelphia, I gaze into the distance at the midnight blue Delaware River. The sun warming my shoulders on this unusually mild winter afternoon takes me back to another unseasonably warm day. My wedding day.

All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. The Beatles' legendary lyrics play in my head.

I can remember thinking that day that the warm, positive feeling of love coursing through James and me would be enough to carry us through our life together, be it the good times or the bad. I assumed a happy, long-lasting marriage was as simple as coasting along side by side on those loving feelings. We have plenty of love to carry us through anything, I remember thinking on that sunny January day.

Now, after years of marriage, I'm sitting here pondering whether love really is all you need. If so, what about those inevitable times when you are not feeling so loving toward your partner or spouse? When, to quote the Righteous Brothers' famous lyrics, "You've lost that lovin' feelin'?" because despite your repeated requests, your spouse continually forgets-or even worse, ignores!-your pleas to exercise, be on time, clean up the home office, or [insert your own favorite irritation here]. Then what?

Do we have to feel loving all the time to be loving?

If so, then James and I are in serious trouble. But then so is every other couple I know. So if it's not mere feelings that do it, what, then, does make a couple happy together over the long term? What is the key to building love that lasts?

So How Do You Get to Happily Ever After?

After spending nearly half my life-almost twenty years-working in media and communications in New York City and then getting married a bit later in life (at forty), I am only now realizing the extent to which I have been influenced by how relationships are popularly portrayed. Unlike my husband, James, who spent more time listening to Beethoven's beautiful symphonies than the Beatles' peppy love songs growing up, I had a preconceived notion of what marriage should look like based upon what I'd seen and heard in popular media. I still believed in storybook romances, as so many young women (and men) do. If you listen to popular media, you know you fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. End of story.

And I fell for this fairy tale-hook, line, and sinker.

The problem with fairy tales, though, is that they focus only on the first two parts of the story: falling in love and getting married. In the first part of the story, you dream of finding and falling in love with your perfect partner, that special someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You invest an enormous amount of time and effort into finding a mate: going on countless dates, signing up for innumerable online dating apps, and madly scanning profiles or swiping left and right in a furious search for the perfect person. Once you find that special someone, of course, you dive into all the courting, dating, meeting of the friends and families- and if things go well, the eventual proposal.

This brings you to the second part of the story: getting married. During the engagement period, you immerse yourself in meticulous preparation for the wedding: searching for the perfect dress, choosing the venue, selecting the band, finding the best photographer, and creating the menu, not to mention figuring out the seating chart. The list goes on. And on. And on. (Speaking for myself, it seems that I made many more deliberate decisions about details in the few intense months of preparation for my wedding than I did in the first few years of my marriage!)

And these...