Trust Me, Mom--Everyone Else Is Going!: The New Rules for Mothering Adolescent Girls - Softcover

Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., is the author of two previous books and has written for many publications. Her numerous television and radio appearances include the Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, Today, and NPR.

Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., is the author of two previous books and has written for many publications. Her numerous television and radio appearances include theOprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, Today, and NPR.

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Chapter 1

Moms, Take Heart

A NEW OUTLOOK

"Somehow my daughter seems to be slipping away. I know she's growing up, but I'm still her mother. I don't want to wake up one day and think, 'What happened to her?' or 'Who is she?' And yet I'm not sure what I can do. There don't seem to be any road maps for bringing up girls today. I always wonder about what is going on in my daughter's life, but I don't seem to get any real answers. I just want to know that my daughter will be okay. I want to know that she'll make the right decisions when I'm not around. When I get nervous about all this and try to talk to her, she just gets angry, but I can't help it. I find that parenting is so much harder now that she's a teenager. Maybe this comes more naturally to other mothers, because nobody else seems to be as confused as I am. On especially awful days, I think, 'You're completely lost; you have no idea what you're doing.'"
-Mary, thirty-four

"My daughter is only ten, but she's acting like a teenager. I guess I expected these sorts of problems when she was in middle school or high school, but I'm not ready for this now. In fact, I'm already at the end of my rope, and she's not even driving yet! My two older children were never like this. Sure, some of their friends weren't my favorites, but they were never consumed with all this social stuff like my youngest is. She's talking about issues that her siblings didn't mention until they were in their midteens. Even her language seems way too advanced for her age. Other than stopping the clock for a while, there doesn't really seem to be anything else I can do. Maybe I could use some help. My head is spinning!"
-Francesca, fifty

"I had no idea that being a mother could be this hard! I guess I thought that if my daughter and I were always close, if I taught her the right values and spent lots of time with her, that we would basically see eye to eye as she grew up. But she and I couldn't be less alike. In fact, sometimes I wonder where she's come from. Among other things, I've always stressed how important it is for her to be an individual, to think for herself. But she's completely swayed by what's in and, especially by what her friends do and say. We also have very different ideas about what's appropriate for girls her age. It really amazes me-and scares me-to think of how focused she is on boys, how eager she is to please them. How could this have happened? And how are we going to get through the next few years?"
-Gerri, forty-five

Nearly every time my telephone rings lately, it's the mother of a teenage girl who is confused, upset, or absolutely frantic about the state of her daughter's social life-her friends, her attitude, her boyfriend, her secrecy, her nightlife. Without exception, mothers are concerned about what exactly their adolescent daughters are doing, who they're doing it with and, especially, if they are safe. Whether your daughter is approaching or well into the teenage years, you too may question the quality of her friendships, worry about substances and sex, and have reservations about her romantic choices. Maybe you panic whenever you see a red flag that may signal trouble, making you wonder if you are completely crazy at times. If so, be assured that you are in good company. These days, no mother seems immune.

Perhaps because we have considered ourselves a more aware and progressive generation of mothers, we expected that our daughters would somehow make smarter decisions in their lives and bypass the typical teenage troubles. Unfortunately this turned out to be a fallacy. Mothers today share a nearly universal perception: Even girls who were once rational, reasonable, and levelheaded suddenly seem to be making stupid, frightening, or potentially dangerous choices.

These girls are not all troubled; these are difficult times. Since the publication of my first book, I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!, which dealt with conflict in the mother-daughter relationship, women have increasingly told me that their teenagers' social lives have become their number one concern. In fact, countless mothers have confided that they never could have imagined, much less predicted, their daughters' behavior. For example, some girls were caught using alcohol or drugs, sneaking out of their homes, and lying about their whereabouts. Others were found to have diaries or e-mail peppered with vulgar words or explicit sexual references. A few were even taken to emergency rooms or picked up by police or suspended from school.

These aren't evil girls from awful families but typical teenagers, some of whom are struggling, many with remarkable talents, who are nonetheless making worrisome choices. It may be difficult or even unthinkable to accept that your daughter, if she has not already done so, may soon join their ranks. Yet it is important to acknowledge from the outset that poor decisions, rash actions, and risk taking are as fundamental to adolescence as acne, braces, and the first kiss. It is just that you probably never thought you would have to deal with them.

Until now, it was always other teenagers who wove elaborate cover stories to elude parents who forbade them from certain peers and situations. You were sure that the open communication and trusting relationship you worked so hard all these years to establish with your daughter would eliminate her need for such subterfuge as a teen. The first time you discover that she has manipulated, deliberately misled, or outwardly lied to you, your whole foundation may be shaken. Is it possible that your daughter is being evasive, telling half-truths, or blithely ignoring your rules?

Similarly, some of you may gasp in shock and dismay when you discover that your daughters have not been victims but perpetrators of unkindness. Was it really your girl who started the vicious rumor, excluded the "loser" from the lunch table, or mercilessly used that lovely boy who had a crush on her? After discovering her thirteen-year-old's efforts to bad-mouth and ostracize a longtime pal, one mother maintained, "I never would have dreamed she would do anything like that. I thought my daughter would know better-and act better!"

Many of your daughters may make other, less serious but still self-defeating choices. While traveling across the country to speak to groups of parents, for example, I am frequently asked for advice about girls who develop unhealthy friendships and demeaning romantic relationships. Mira, mother to fourteen-year-old Phillippa, says, "I watch my daughter being excluded by her two so-called best friends, over and over, and yet she still lets them hurt her. Why can't she defend herself or, better yet, make more loyal friends?" Similarly, fifteen-year-old Loren's mother describes her daughter's pattern of "longing to be friends with girls in the popular crowd, who not only rebuff her but are often mean to her. It's heartbreaking." Norma, mother to seventeen-year-old Randy, is aghast at "the way her boyfriend seems to control her with his criticism, his emotional threats, and that awful pager."

Whether your daughter is placing herself in danger, tolerating harmful relationships, or engaging in behavior that makes your hair stand on end, you have probably found yourself, at various times, worried, frustrated, shocked, or disgusted. Confronted with her particularly bad decisions, you may even feel angry. As one mother put it, "After staying up half the night waiting for her to come home, I thought if she was still alive I was going to kill her!" You may have reacted similarly when your daughter was a little girl and wandered away from you. As you finally located her or pulled her from the street, your initial relief may have turned to rage as the enormity of what could have happened sunk in.

Even if your daughter is proceeding through adolescence in the slow lane, cautiously staying...