CHAPTER 1

Heartfelt

Whenever I talk to somebody about his or her goals—whether that person istrying to change the world, grow a company, or lose a few pounds—one ofthe first questions I ask is, "Why do you care about this goal?" (Don't worry,I'm not without some social graces; we actually have a conversation first.)

Some people look me right in the eye and say, "It doesn't mean anything to me.It's my boss/spouse/doctor and so forth who cares." I've lost count of thenumber of CEOs who've answered with, "Well, it's our Chairman who really feelsthis goal is important...." And how many kids, when asked the same question,would answer, "It has nothing to do with me. I'm only doing it because myparents are making me"?

"Why do you care about this goal?" It's a simple question, and a frighteninglyaccurate way to predict whether or not somebody will abandon his or her goals atthe slightest roadblock. The people who will pursue their goals regardless ofthe challenges will answer with something like, "This goal is my passion, it'swhat I'm here to do," or, "I love my children too much to not accomplish this,"or even, "What I really care about is the finish line; I'm totally pumped to getto the payoff."

But when people say, "My boss/spouse/doctor/chairman is the one who really caresabout this goal," or, "I'm doing it only because I have to," all signs point tothe negative. It's right there in their words: these people lack any realemotional connection to their goals; the goals are not heartfelt. In fact,emotionally, such a goal is not even really that person's goal; it belongs tosomebody else.

When you ask someone this question (and I encourage you to test it out foryourself), listen to the proper nouns and pronouns you get in response. Ifownership of the goal is taken with a me, mine, my, or I, eventhough the goal may have originated with someone else, it's a strong sign thatperson will see that goal through to the end, no matter what gets thrown in theway.

But if the person mentally assigns ownership of the goal to a boss, spouse,doctor, chairman, or whomever, which you'll hear in words like his, hers,the company's, my teacher, or the boss, then you know the person isjust not feeling connected to the goal. You can also listen for the emotionalwords that are said (for example, pumped, excited, can't wait, fired up,and so forth). Expressing intense feelings usually portends better results thanemotional detachment does. Just remember, nobody ever washed a rental car (whichmeans that if you don't own it, you're not going to put much effort into it).

You'd do just about anything for the people you love—your kids, spouse,best friend, family, significant other, and so forth—because you have aheartfelt connection to them. You don't just know these folks; you know youreally care for them. But what if you were asked to do something for a passingacquaintance or even a total stranger? Most likely you'd exert some effortbecause you're a nice person, but most people would risk and sacrifice much morefor a loved one than they would for an acquaintance or stranger. Doctors givemore comprehensive care to people they feel more connected to. People give moremoney to charities when they feel a heartfelt connection to the recipients.Research has even shown that sales generated at Tupperware parties can besignificantly explained by analyzing the strength of the personal connectionbetween the host and the guests.

With all due respect to Sting, if you love somebody (and thus have a heartfeltconnection to them), you're probably not going to set them free. Because of thatheartfelt connection, you're going to follow them to the far corners of theglobe, dripping blood, sweat, and tears to help them in any way you can. Andthat's precisely the kind of heartfelt connection you want to feel toward yourgoals. You want to love, need, and be deeply connected to your goals; you wantto feel like you'd chase a goal to the very ends of the earth in order tofulfill it.

Just to be clear, it's not all about emotions. You absolutely need theanalytical part of your brain to create and achieve a HARD Goal (as you'llclearly see in the "Required" and "Difficult" chapters). Certainly you shouldcalculate the precise amount of weight you need to lose, the dollar amount bywhich your sales should grow, what mile mark you need to hit to be marathonready, and how many classes you need to attend to experience the optimal levelof challenge. But while you can create the most analytically sound goal in theworld (with just the right degree of difficulty and so on), if it's notheartfelt, if you're not emotionally connected to it, if you aren't ready tochase this goal to the far corners of the globe, then you're more likely toabandon it than you are to accomplish it. Goal-setting processes often get sohung up on the analytical and tactical parts that they often neglect the mostfundamental question: why do you care about this goal?

In the early days of my career, I advised seriously troubled organizations (theones teetering on the edge of bankruptcy). And believe me when I say they neededsome seriously HARD Goals to fight their way back. I could always tell if thecompany had a sufficient foundation from which to launch a successful turnaroundjust by walking around and asking employees, "Why do you care if this companysucceeds or fails?" If I heard a lot of people say, "Because I'll lose my job,"or "I need a paycheck," or something similar, I knew the company probablywouldn't make it. But if I heard something more heartfelt like, "I've poured myheart and soul into this place, and I'm not gonna let it fail now," or "Too manypeople are counting on us," or "Our customers need us to survive," then I knewwe had a great shot at a comeback.

By the way, every politician that wants to survive knows that caring, emotionalintensity, and heartfelt connection all mean the same thing: voter turnout. Whenpeople are emotionally connected to an issue or leader, when they feel heartfeltenthusiasm, they'll move heaven and earth to guarantee its success. But whenthey're apathetic—that's very bad news indeed!

If your goals are important enough, if they're HARD, then at some point you'regoing to hit a stumbling block, because every goal worth doing is going to testyour resolve and ask you to decide if you really want to keep going. And at thatmoment, if your commitment to that goal is sufficiently heart-felt, you'llsaddle up and plow right through. But if it's not, if there's no heartfeltconnection, well, that's why your local gym is overcrowded with resolutionmakers in January and empty by March.

In the past few years there's been a spate of books on how to be happy. Notdeeply fulfilled, emotionally resilient, high achieving, or doing somethingtruly meaningful and significant with your life, but rather, happy. (Doingreally easy stuff like gorging on pizza while...