CHAPTER 1

How Do We Forgive?

"The knowledge that illuminates not only sets you free, but also showsclearly that you are free."

—A Course in Miracles

Throughout our lives most of us have been taught about forgiveness. Each one ofus thinks differently about what forgiveness means, ranging from emotionalweakness to high moral standards. To be able to forgive, we need to understandwhat forgiveness means. Otherwise, our misconceptions can become obstacles inour ability to forgive.

Forgiveness is a process that shows us how to heal emotional pain by choosing tosee the person who caused the pain differently. It is about changing the way wethink about ourselves and the way we see the world. Forgiveness is an essentialpart of our healing, enabling us to release our anger, pain, andsuffering. As we learn to forgive and heal our emotional pain, we begin toexperience the gift of inner peace.

Forgiveness is not about letting someone get away with murderous acts. It isabout asking us to look at the totality of who we are, to accept theshortcomings within ourselves, and to embrace that truth with compassion,understanding, and unconditional love. As we face ourselves with courage andacceptance, we get in touch with our humanity and vulnerabilities. This gift ofself-acceptance helps us grow in understanding and compassion, which we canthen, ideally, extend to others.

There are many misconceptions concerning forgiveness. For example, many of usbelieve that we forgive in order to repair the relationship with the offender.Although this can be an outcome, the relationship that we are repairing is thatwithin ourselves. Another misconception is that if we forgive someone, we cannotseek forms of justice. As we shall learn, forgiveness is about creatingattitudinal changes within ourselves. Our outer actions may be the same whetherwe forgive or not. What is important is the motivation behind the actions wechoose to take.

From its inception, forgiveness involved a process that required a change inperceptions and judgments. Changing perceptions directly effects the healing ofanger and hatred. In our willingness to see the situation differently, theseemotions begin to diffuse to the point that we no longer want to act outrevenge. As we face truths about ourselves that make it possible for us to seeothers differently, we are taking the first steps in becoming more compassionatehuman beings. This brings us to a point where, because of our own development ofcompassion, we are willing to help others regardless of whether there has beenacknowledgement from the offender.

Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which a person makes adecision—a choice—about how he or she will deal withan event concerning the past. One of these choices may be based on the beliefthat people can judge events, measure the magnitude of an offense, and decidethat receiving an equal amount of retribution somehow balances the account(Hope, 1987). Another choice is to practice an attitude of forgiveness. Thisattitude allows us to let go of anger and resentment by deciding to absolve whatwe perceive as wrongs committed by the other (Hope, 1987). This involvesrecognizing how our attitudes and beliefs color the actual situation. We formour attitudes and beliefs based on our judgments and perceptions. Judgments andperceptions are based on our fears and needs at the time of the event. They arenot facts, although we want to interpret them as such. The attitude offorgiveness is founded on the understanding that we screen and create the pastthrough the process of judgment in the same way that we screen and create thepresent through the process of perception, and that our judgments andperceptions are subjective and unreliable (Hope, 1987). Therefore, it is throughour filters of judgment and perception that we dictate our reality and not ourdeeper understanding of the actual event.

There are a few important points to make about this definition. First, those whoforgive must have suffered a deep hurt, such as betrayal, that elicits angerand/or resentment. Although it is clear that those offended have a right to thisresentment, they choose to overcome it. There are many reasons peoplemake this choice. It could be they want to move on with their lives, theyrecognize that by holding on they are giving the perpetrator power, or theyrealize that by wanting revenge they become just like the perpetrator. Whateverthe reason for this choice, a new response emerges that results in achange in perception based on understanding, compassion, and/or love. Theseresponses occur because of the offended person's choice, not his obligations.The paradox is that as people let go of their feelings of anger, hatred, or theneed for revenge, it is they who are healed. By accepting and coming toterms with what took place, those who can see the situation from a perspectiveof understanding and compassion can lay the past to rest and experience innerpeace.

There are many complexities and misunderstandings concerning forgiveness thatare important to clarify. The first point to understand is that forgiveness canonly occur between two people. We cannot forgive a natural disaster or a warbecause forgiveness is about resolving the misperceptions we have projected onsomeone else. It is about healing a deep psychological injury we believe someonedid to us. If we did not personally experience harm from someone else then weare not in a position to forgive.

One of the more difficult concepts to understand about forgiveness deals withperceptions. Perceptions are our views in how we choose to see the world. We allsee the world differently according to our chosen lens. The events in our livesthat are otherwise neutral derive meaning according to how we perceive what hashappened. That is why two people can experience similar hurts but one gets stuckin the victim role while the other becomes empowered and takes action. Ourreactions are based on our unconscious motivation. This unconscious motivation,be it guilt or fear, is colored by thoughts about ourselves that are too painfulto acknowledge. What we cleverly do is sweep the negative thoughts we hold aboutourselves under the carpet by only seeing these things in...