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Parenting the Strong-Willed Child

McGraw-Hill

Contents

Chapter One

"He was born with a strong will!" That was what Tommy's parents told us when he was two years old. Several hours after Tommy was born, they said, the hospital nurses told them how fussy he was. Tommy cried and cried and cried. His parents thought it was colic and that his crying would decrease as he grew older. Unfortunately, as the months passed, the crying and fussing continued. By eighteen months, he was always fussing and crying to get his way or to show he did not like something. He would fuss and cry when he had to take a bath or get dressed. Going to bed and getting up led to more fussing. It was not pleasant!

Four-year-old Johnny was very outgoing and independent. Unfortunately, he was also very demanding. His parents and his preschool teacher stated that he was "as stubborn as they come." If he did not get his way, Johnny would become upset and have temper tantrums. These tantrums included yelling, crying, and stomping his feet. Johnny was also very active and intense. He always was on the go and filled with boundless energy. As a result of his activity level, he often fell down. Although he rarely hurt himself, he would scream and act as if he had been mortally wounded.

Mary was a six-year-old kindergartner. Testing at school indicated that she had above-average intelligence and academic skills. She was also very confident and would persevere in challenging activities long after most other children gave up. Mary had never minded her parents very well but did follow her teacher's instructions at preschool. Unfortunately, when she went to first grade, Mary began not minding at school. At first Mary would just ignore instructions her teacher gave her. Then she became openly defiant, saying, "No, I will not do it!" in response to instructions from her teacher. Mary's parents were concerned that her behavior would affect her future education.

What Is Strong-Willed Behavior?

The parents of Tommy, Johnny, and Mary all considered their child to be strong-willed. But what does being strong-willed really mean? From our experience, these children usually have a very strong sense of independence. In many ways this is very positive because individuals who are independent are typically also assertive, confident, determined, and persistent. Unfortunately, a strong sense of independence also frequently leads these young children to become stubborn, argumentative, and defiant. To see whether parents agreed with our view of the characteristics associated with being a "strong-willed child," we conducted a survey. We asked a group of parents of two-to six-year-old children, who were enrolled in a parenting class, to tell us whether or not their child was strong-willed and what they believed were the characteristics of being strong-willed. An amazing 48 percent of the parents reported that their young child was "strong-willed." To read how they described those children, see the box titled "Is Your Child Strong-Willed?" later in this chapter.

A strong-willed child can be very frustrating and challenging to a parent (as you probably well know!). However, both positive and negative qualities are associated with being strong-willed. The key is to nurture your strong-willed child's positive qualities while minimizing the impact of the negative qualities on him—and on others.

If you are like most parents of strong-willed children, your child's strong will may continually conflict with what you, as his parent, believe is best for him and your family. If this is the case, you will need to work with him to direct his strong will in more positive ways. The purpose of this book is to help you do this. You will decrease the negative aspects of your child's strong will while encouraging him to use it in positive ways. We hope that your child will learn to use his strong will to excel in life.

In the Beginning There Was Temperament

How does a child become strong-willed? Many of the characteristics of being strong-willed have their roots in a child's temperament. As you will read in Chapters 2 and 3, a child's temperament lays the groundwork for his behavior and then interacts with a number of factors, particularly parenting, to lead to behavior that can be labeled strong-willed. This chapter will focus on helping you understand temperament and its relationship to the behavior of children and their parents.

Temperament generally refers to a child's inborn behavioral style or innate tendencies to act a certain way. Temperament is reflected in how a child typically approaches, interacts in, and experiences social relationships. Imagine two fifteen-month-old children who fall down while running across a lawn. Neither child is injured, but one child screams and cries following the fall. The other child laughs after he falls, gets up, and starts to run again. The different ways these children handle the fall reflect, in part, their temperaments.

Temperament is generally considered to be something with which you are born. Many professionals believe that a child's basic temperament can be seen in early infancy, well before a particular parenting style has had time to have a major impact on his behavior. However, as we will show you later, your child's actual behavior (for example, what he does when told "no") is a function of both his temperament and your parenting.

Is Your Child Strong-Willed?

If your child is strong-willed, you probably have known it since he was a baby! These are the children who feel their wants and needs strongly, and they let you know just how they feel. A group of parents in a parenting class described their own strong-willed children in the following terms:

• "If she doesn't want to do something, there is no way you can make her do it"

• "Always wanting to do everything for herself"

• "Demands constant attention"

• "Always wanting to make the decisions/choices"

• "Not recognizing authority of adults/parents"

• "Persistent"

• "Unpredictable"

• "Stubborn"

• "Independent"

• "Determined"

• "Temperamental"

• "Bad temper"

• "Talks back a lot"

• "Overly sensitive"

• "Frequent temper tantrums"

• "Negative reactions— everything is a fight or a struggle"

• "Won't mind"

• "Resists direction"

• "Doesn't respond to discipline"

• "Knows no limits"

• "Tells us what to do"

• "Very outgoing"

• "Resists anything done to him—diaper changes, bath, dressing, etc."

• "Headstrong"

• "Argumentative"

• "Aggressive"

• "Often upset"

• "Dominant"

• "Confident"

• "Questioning"

• "Assertive"

• "Completes a task in her own way even if you show an easier way the task can be completed"

• "Cries to get her way constantly"

• "Her way or no way—no matter what"

• "Argues every point"

• "Pushes things to the extreme"

• "Works on a frustrating task (one that may be over his age level) until completed"

• "Will focus on one thing and be persistent until she gets...