CHAPTER 1

What You Need to Know

Managing Your Expectations—and Theirs

Why confront, e-mail, or otherwise communicate with difficult people at work?People who, say, drive you crazy, cause work slowdowns, and make life miserableevery time they can? Many people believe the reasons go something like this: "Iwant to put my foot down once and for all." Or "I've got to get these feelingsoff my chest." Or "I'm going to tell that guy what he can do with his attitude."And sometimes there are other, even less savory reasons.

But here's a reality check: The real reason to communicate with difficult peopleis to improve your work life and theirs, not to mention the lives of your boss,coworkers, and, most important, customers. Even when those difficult people arethe customers. As for whether you like those people or they like you, whetheryou become bosom buddies or maintain a respectful distance is inconsequential.

Granted, you will need different strategies for communicating with differentpeople. The angry customers must be calmed and controlled while the lethargicemployees must be energized. You can use the following tips in all your workinteractions, and they will boost your communication to the most successfullevel possible.

With that in mind, read the following seven imperatives and apply them no matterwho is causing you trouble.

Top Seven Imperatives of Communicating with Difficult People

1. Be Objective

Objective language can be your best friend when communicating with difficultpeople, and it is often the only way to get the response you want. Trust me,it's helpful outside of work also—with difficult neighbors, children, and evenfriends.

So what is objective language? Say a coworker is disruptive. That's yoursubjective opinion. Will the coworker agree? Doubtful. But if you presentobjective facts and rely on what you saw and heard, then the true situationbecomes clear and undeniable. Does your coworker talk too much at meetings? Stopin your office to chat ... on an hourly basis ... and break your work flow? Withthose facts at hand, now your coworker can identify the problem exactly.

Look at the difference between subjective and objective language here:

Subjective: You are irritating to other employees who want to get work done.

Objective: You interrupt people by dropping by their work space to chat.

Subjective: You're really annoying in meetings.

Objective: You need to stay in the meetings and talk only when the facilitatorcalls on you.

Subjective: You don't respect other people.

Objective: You routinely call other people derogatory names.

Even better, once the person can understand the problem objectively, he or shecan find the solution. Call other people names? Well, stop doing it.

2. Use Examples

When discussing a person's bad behavior at work, the response you get may be"Huh?" as in "I have no idea what you're talking about," even though you've beenobjective and clear, and—face it—it's such an obvious problem everyone knowswhat you're talking about, even the cleaning staff. So use an example toillustrate what you mean. Let's get back to an example from the last section onobjective language—" You need to stay in the meetings and talk only when thefacilitator calls on you."

Assuming your coworker doesn't have a bladder problem, that's a fair request.Yet your coworker responds with an open mouth and hurt expression as if to say,"But I do sit in the meetings. I never miss a word." Your only recourse is toprovide an example, such as "Yesterday, at the managers' meeting, you got upthree times." Then, lest the coworker claim the event was a mere exception tootherwise great meeting etiquette, give another example: "And during mypresentation last week, you were in and out at least two times."

If, rather than your coworker, this person happens to be your employee, recordthese examples. Be clear about names, dates, and other specifics. You may needthem later.

3. Commit to the Accuracy Principle

Be accurate. Always. Say, for example, you accused that annoying coworker ofwalking out on meetings "about 10 times." Granted, you didn't literally mean 10times—you were only trying to make a point. But, sadly, the point was lost inthe...