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"An important and essential book for all couples contemplating marriage."
--Dr. Barry G. Ginsberg, Executive Director, Center of Relationship Enhancement

Love can be bliss, but marriage takes work. Communication, compromise, and joint decision making are key ingredients to a successful marriage. Using a variety of fun, interactive formats, including multiple choice, fill-in-the-blank, and hypotheticals, relationship expert Monica Mendez Leahy brings to the table these and many other important issues that will arise in every marriage--including the ones that may blindside you. 1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married will help you and your partner explore your common goals and perspectives as well as celebrate your unique differences as you prepare for your life journey together.

Through the questions posed in this book, you and your betrothed will explore fundamental questions about nature, thought processes, lifestyle, and marital expectations, including:

• Is there such a thing as innocent flirting?
• Do you both want children?
• How important is religion in your life?
• Do you think couples should share the same political views?

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1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get MARRIED

McGraw-Hill

Contents

Chapter One

Although recent headlines report the death of the two-parent household, America is still largely made up of the traditional nuclear family. If you were blessed with two happily married parents, then you've been fortunate to have a front-row seat in observing what it takes to make a marriage successful.

With your partner, read each question, allowing each person to express his or her answer without interruption. Discuss if and how the answers given will affect your marriage.

1. What do you believe was the bond that kept your parents married?

2. What characteristics of your parents' marriage would you like to see in yours?

3. What characteristics of your parents' marriage would you like to avoid?

4. How did your mother treat your father and vice versa?

5. Do you and your partner want to treat each other the same way your parents treated each other?

6. In your family, who was the main decision maker?

7. Would you like your marriage to follow this pattern as well?

8. Would you describe your parents as living in traditional male/female roles?

9. Do you aspire to hold traditional male/female roles in your household?

10. Would you describe your parents' relationship as one-sided or a true partnership?

11. Would you best describe your parents' relationship as being positive, passive, or poisonous?

12. Did you see your parents work through difficult periods in their marriage?

13. Did your parents avoid any type of disagreements or confrontations?

14. Has your parents' marriage affected how you address problems with your partner?

15. Did your parents argue often?

16. If your parents argued, was it a sign of a troubled marriage, or was it just their way of communicating?

17. Did your parents spent most of their leisure time together, or apart?

18. Did one parent constantly tease, belittle, or humiliate the other?

19. Did your parents frequently laugh together?

20. Were you aware of one parent hiding items or keeping secrets from the other?

Chapter Two

If most of your formative years were spent with a single parent or divorced parents, research shows an increase in the likelihood that you will divorce or become a single parent as well. This doesn't mean that your fate is sealed. Educating yourself on the reasons why your parents' relationship did not succeed—and avoiding the same behaviors—increases your chance that history will not repeat itself in your marriage.

With your partner, read each question out loud. Allow each person to voice his or her answer without interruptions. Discuss if and how the answers given will affect your marriage.

1. If you were raised by a single parent, did you know a couple that served as a role model for a successful long-term relationship?

2. If raised by a single parent, did you miss having a father or mother growing up?

3. Were several members of your family single parents while you were growing up?

4. Did your single parent stress independence and self-reliance?

5. Did your single parent frequently comment that you can't trust or rely on others?

6. Have you developed a relationship with both of your biological parents?

7. If your parents are divorced, what do you believe was the cause of their divorce?

8. Do you blame either parent or yourself for the breakup of their marriage?

9. If your parents are divorced, do you fear the same outcome for your relationship?

10. If your parents are divorced, what have you learned that will help you avoid the same fate?

11. How did the divorce affect your views about marriage or lifelong intimate relationships?

12. Do you feel the divorce had a positive or a negative effect on you and your family?

13. What do you believe is the primary cause of divorce in general?

14. Are most of your family members (aunts, uncles, siblings) divorced?

15. Have your parents maintained a good, or at least civil, relationship with each other?

16. Did your mother or father use you or your siblings as tools to obtain information about the other parent?

17. Do you want your partner to become the mother or father figure you desired while growing up?

18. Did your parents actively date others or have more than one or two relationships after they were divorced? If so, how do you think this affects your view of marriage?

19. Did you witness your parents encourage other couples to separate or get a divorce?

20. Did you take advantage of your parents' separation by using guilt or their infrequent communication to get things you wanted?

Chapter Three

Parents aren't only the two people whose genes you possess. There are adoptive parents, stepparents, and other guardians. If your mother or father did not raise you, the word parent will refer to the person or people who had the strongest influence in your upbringing.

With your partner, read each question out loud. Allow each person to voice his or her answer without interruptions. Discuss if and how the answers given will affect your marriage.

1. Growing up, were you exposed to mostly positive and loving relationships?

2. Did conversations among friends and family mainly involve complaining about the shortcomings of others?

3. Did you witness any physical, emotional, or sexual abuse in your household while growing up?

4. Did those close to you believe that marriage was a burden or a joy?

5. Was getting married seen as a mandatory goal that you must achieve in life?

6. Were you aware of any infidelity by either of your parents or other family members?

7. If "yes" to the above, how did the spouse who was cheated on react and deal with this situation?

8. What effect did the infidelity have on you and other family members?

9. Growing up, did your family believe in a double standard between the sexes?

10. Were you often told that the opposite sex was not to be trusted or respected?

11. Do you want your marriage to resemble a relationship portrayed on TV or in the movies? If so describe this relationship.

12. Name a couple that you know who have a great marriage. What attributes of their marriage would you like to emulate?

13. Did your friends and family spoil you? Did you usually get what you wanted?

14. Did you feel you didn't get enough attention from others? Are you looking for that attention from your partner?

15. Were you regularly exposed to situations in which men and women could socialize with each other?

16. Did you ever suffer the loss of a family member? If so, how did you cope with your grief?

Chapter Four

It's undeniable that interacting with childhood friends and classmates influences how you relate to others as an adult. How you treated people in your past, even as a child, is probably similar to how you treat people today.

With your partner, take turns answering each question below.

1. Were you jealous of some of your friends while growing up? If so, how and why?

2. Were you ever told that you were a player? If so, how did that make you feel?

3. Were you determined to be popular in school? Were you popular?

4. Did you enjoy going to school, or did you feel it was a waste of time?

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