CHAPTER 1

Resilient Mindsets, Negative Scripts, and Personal Control

As a young boy, Alex Proctor thought he was "retarded." He grew up during a timewhen we knew little about learning disabilities. He experienced great difficultyin school, especially learning to read. In the fifth grade, his reading levelwas equivalent to that of a second grader. He would study a list of words in theevening, only to forget their correct spelling the next day. He was held back inthe fifth grade, an intervention that proved ineffective. Not only did hisreading difficulties continue, but he also experienced the ongoing humiliationof being called "dumb" and "stupid" by several of his classmates. His teachers,failing to understand the nature of his problems, exhorted him to "studyharder," implying he was not giving 100 percent and could succeed if only hepossessed the will to do so. The death of his father when Mr. Proctor was inseventh grade added to a stressful home situation.

Mr. Proctor dropped out of high school and went to work as a custodian. Hemarried at the age of twenty-one, and two years later he and his wife had theirfirst child, a son. Two years after the birth of their child, with the supportof his wife he began a window cleaning business, offering services for bothoffices and homes. He sought the advice of a childhood friend in the advertisingfield for strategies to market his services. Much to Mr. Proctor's surprise, hisbusiness began to take off and he soon hired two assistants. A second son wasborn, the business expanded, and Mr. Proctor and his wife bought a home.

When Mr. Proctor was thirty-two, his younger son, who was struggling in schooljust as he had, was diagnosed with a learning disability. When the clinicianexplained the reasons for the diagnosis, Mr. Proctor blurted out, "That's me! Myson has the same problems I have. I finally know I'm not stupid." At therecommendation of this clinician Mr. Proctor was tested and diagnosed with alearning disability. Now possessing an understanding of his learning problems,he fulfilled a long-sought but unfulfilled dream of obtaining his GED. With theencouragement of his wife and the addition of several more employees at hisbusiness, he made time to take a class at a local community college in which heearned an A. He continued to take courses and moved on to a four-year college.At the age of forty-two, Mr. Proctor received his bachelor's degree with honors.He observed, "I didn't need the degree for my work. I needed it for myself."

Mr. Proctor has a younger brother, Tim, who also struggled in school. As ateenager Tim followed in his brother's footsteps by dropping out of school.However, rather than finding steady employment, he became addicted to drugs. Tosupport his addiction, he resorted to armed robbery. He was caught and sent toprison. Upon Tim's release, Alex offered him a job in his company. Tim acceptedbut quickly resumed his drug use and criminal actions. He was apprehended andsentenced to prison again. Alex wondered why he went in one direction and Tim inanother.

Resilient Mindsets

What permitted Alex to succeed in life while his brother continued down a pathof self-destruction? What are the factors that help some adults to bounce backwhile others languish in feelings of helplessness and hopelessness? Why do someindividuals attain success that could never have been predicted from their lifecircumstances? What is the inner strength that propels some people to overcomemighty obstacles in their path?

Roslyn Smith, a thirty-six-year-old woman, grew up in poverty. She lived in anarea where muggings, homicides, and drug deals were common. One of her brotherswas killed in a gang fight, and one of her sisters overdosed on heroin. She wasthe first member of her family to attend college. She commuted to college whileliving in an apartment above a bar. She also worked many hours a week to supportherself, a younger sibling, and her ailing mother. She spent as much time aspossible studying at the college library because the noise level at home wasunbearable. After obtaining her college degree she worked for a social welfareagency and went to school in the evening to earn a master's degree in socialwork.

Successful adults such as Alex Proctor and Roslyn Smith may be viewed asresilient. The word success should not be confused or equatedwith one's income. As we will discuss more fully in this book, success in lifeencompasses such features as positive relationships with others, contentment atwork and in our other roles (for example, as a mother, father, or coworker), anda feeling of optimism. Although in some scientific circles the wordresilient has been applied only to individuals who have overcome stressand hardship, it is a concept that should be expanded to become a primary focusof each person's life, whether or not that person has experienced greatadversity. All of us encounter some degree of stress and challenge in everydaylife. No one can predict which of us will at some point face unimaginedadversity.

Resilient individuals are those who have a set of assumptions or attitudes aboutthemselves that influence their behaviors and the skills they develop. In turn,these behaviors and skills influence this set of assumptions so that a dynamicprocess is constantly operating. We call this set of assumptions a mindset. Aresilient mindset is composed of several main features:

• Feeling in control of one's life

• Knowing how to fortify one's "stress hardiness"

• Being empathic

• Displaying effective communication and other interpersonal capabilities

• Possessing solid problem-solving and decision-making skills

• Establishing realistic goals and expectations

• Learning from both success and failure

• Being a compassionate and contributing member of society

• Living a responsible life based on a set of thoughtful values

• Feeling special (not self-centered) while helping others to feel the same

Possessing a resilient mindset does not imply that one is free from stress,pressure, and conflict, but rather that one can successfully...