CHAPTER 1

Resilient Mindsets, Negative Scripts, and Personal Control

As a young boy, Alex Proctor thought he was "retarded." He grew up during a timewhen we knew little about learning disabilities. He experienced great difficultyin school, especially learning to read. In the fifth grade, his reading levelwas equivalent to that of a second grader. He would study a list of words in theevening, only to forget their correct spelling the next day. He was held back inthe fifth grade, an intervention that proved ineffective. Not only did hisreading difficulties continue, but he also experienced the ongoing humiliationof being called "dumb" and "stupid" by several of his classmates. His teachers,failing to understand the nature of his problems, exhorted him to "studyharder," implying he was not giving 100 percent and could succeed if only hepossessed the will to do so. The death of his father when Mr. Proctor was inseventh grade added to a stressful home situation.

Mr. Proctor dropped out of high school and went to work as a custodian. Hemarried at the age of twenty-one, and two years later he and his wife had theirfirst child, a son. Two years after the birth of their child, with the supportof his wife he began a window cleaning business, offering services for bothoffices and homes. He sought the advice of a childhood friend in the advertisingfield for strategies to market his services. Much to Mr. Proctor's surprise, hisbusiness began to take off and he soon hired two assistants. A second son wasborn, the business expanded, and Mr. Proctor and his wife bought a home.

When Mr. Proctor was thirty-two, his younger son, who was struggling in schooljust as he had, was diagnosed with a learning disability. When the clinicianexplained the reasons for the diagnosis, Mr. Proctor blurted out, "That's me! Myson has the same problems I have. I finally know I'm not stupid." At therecommendation of this clinician Mr. Proctor was tested and diagnosed with alearning disability. Now possessing an understanding of his learning problems,he fulfilled a long-sought but unfulfilled dream of obtaining his GED. With theencouragement of his wife and the addition of several more employees at hisbusiness, he made time to take a class at a local community college in which heearned an A. He continued to take courses and moved on to a four-year college.At the age of forty-two, Mr. Proctor received his bachelor's degree with honors.He observed, "I didn't need the degree for my work. I needed it for myself."

Mr. Proctor has a younger brother, Tim, who also struggled in school. As ateenager Tim followed in his brother's footsteps by dropping out of school.However, rather than finding steady employment, he became addicted to drugs. Tosupport his addiction, he resorted to armed robbery. He was caught and sent toprison. Upon Tim's release, Alex offered him a job in his company. Tim acceptedbut quickly resumed his drug use and criminal actions. He was apprehended andsentenced to prison again. Alex wondered why he went in one direction and Tim inanother.

Resilient Mindsets

What permitted Alex to succeed in life while his brother continued down a pathof self-destruction? What are the factors that help some adults to bounce backwhile others languish in feelings of helplessness and hopelessness? Why do someindividuals attain success that could never have been predicted from their lifecircumstances? What is the inner strength that propels some people to overcomemighty obstacles in their path?

Roslyn Smith, a thirty-six-year-old woman, grew up in poverty. She lived in anarea where muggings, homicides, and drug deals were common. One of her brotherswas killed in a gang fight, and one of her sisters overdosed on heroin. She wasthe first member of her family to attend college. She commuted to college whileliving in an apartment above a bar. She also worked many hours a week to supportherself, a younger sibling, and her ailing mother. She spent as much time aspossible studying at the college library because the noise level at home wasunbearable. After obtaining her college degree she worked for a social welfareagency and went to school in the evening to earn a master's degree in socialwork.

Successful adults such as Alex Proctor and Roslyn Smith may be viewed asresilient. The word success should not be confused or equatedwith one's income. As we will discuss more fully in this book, success in lifeencompasses such features as positive relationships with others, contentment atwork and in our other roles (for example, as a mother, father, or coworker), anda feeling of optimism. Although in some scientific circles the wordresilient has been applied only to individuals who have overcome stressand hardship, it is a concept that should be expanded to become a primary focusof each person's life, whether or not that person has experienced greatadversity. All of us encounter some degree of stress and challenge in everydaylife. No one can predict which of us will at some point face unimaginedadversity.

Resilient individuals are those who have a set of assumptions or attitudes aboutthemselves that influence their behaviors and the skills they develop. In turn,these behaviors and skills influence this set of assumptions so that a dynamicprocess is constantly operating. We call this set of assumptions a mindset. Aresilient mindset is composed of several main features:

• Feeling in control of one's life

• Knowing how to fortify one's "stress hardiness"

• Being empathic

• Displaying effective communication and other interpersonal capabilities

• Possessing solid problem-solving and decision-making skills

• Establishing realistic goals and expectations

• Learning from both success and failure

• Being a compassionate and contributing member of society

• Living a responsible life based on a set of thoughtful values

• Feeling special (not self-centered) while helping others to feel the same

Possessing a resilient mindset does not imply that one is free from stress,pressure, and conflict, but rather that one can successfully cope with problemsas they arise.

We also use the word mindset to capture an important premise of thisbook: mindsets can be changed. The development of mindsets, orassumptions about oneself and others, is a complex process based on theinteraction of one's unique temperament with one's life experiences. However,mindsets are not cast in stone. The more we understand the beliefs that guideour behaviors, the more successfully we can engage in the process of replacingcounterproductive, self-defeating assumptions with those that will lead to amore resilient, fulfilling life. There are guideposts we can follow andactivities we can engage in that will facilitate the process of strengthening aresilient mindset. Unfortunately, there are also roadblocks to developing aresilient mindset, roadblocks that may be viewed as negative scripts.

Negative Scripts: Obstacles to a Resilient Mindset

Have you ever found yourself engaging in the same behaviors repeatedly withnegative results? If you answered "yes," you are not alone. In our clinicalpractice and workshops we have heard countless examples of individuals followingthe same script day after day with predictable negative results. It is as ifthey are actors who have rehearsed their lines and cannot deviate from thescript. The script can dictate a man ending a relationship when he is asked tomake a commitment, a woman being fearful of showing anger even when justified,parents telling their children for ten years to clean their rooms with littlesuccess, a father asking his son immediately when coming home from work eachevening, "Did you do your homework?" or a couple insisting their marriage wouldbe better if only the other person would change.

When we repeat behaviors that lead to positive outcomes, such as a man tellinghis wife and children each day that he loves them, a woman conveyingappreciation to her staff, or a project leader delegating responsibilities tothose in his group in order to reinforce their sense of ownership, we arejustified in calling these behaviors positive scripts. However, when ourpredictable behaviors are counterproductive or self-defeating but we continue toengage in them, a negative script is operating. These negative scripts, whichcan influence all aspects of our personal and professional lives, are obstaclesto developing a resilient mindset.

Some individuals are not aware that they are trapped in a negative script, evenif it is obvious to their friends and relatives. Some individuals blame theirbehavior on others, shouting the refrain, "If only my kids [or wife, orcoworker, and so on] would change, then I would be more relaxed." Often thefirst drafts of negative scripts are written in childhood and acted throughoutour adult lives. Until you can recognize these scripts and take responsibilityfor your actions, they will continue unabated. Unfortunately, the longer theyexist, the more entrenched they are likely to become, precluding opportunitiesfor improvisation and spontaneity.

"They Just Don't Get It!"

Jeremy Butler was an innovative, brilliant engineer. He left college at the endof his junior year to concentrate all of his time and energy to develop his owncompany. His work engulfed him. After several frustrating years, a product hedesigned was successful. By the time he was thirty-five years old, his companywas worth millions. He had many employees, but happiness eluded him. At the ageof thirty he had married, but the marriage ended within two years. Mr. Butlerand his wife did not have any children. After the divorce, he had no otherserious relationships.

Mr. Butler came to see us when he was thirty-seven at the recommendation of hisphysician because of anxiety, depression, and insomnia. In the course of ourevaluation Mr. Butler focused his remarks on his work. He described all of hisefforts to build up his company even when some people doubted him. As he spokeof his accomplishments there was little evidence of any joy or satisfaction.Instead, a sense of sadness pervaded the conversation.

He explained, "My father was the kind of person who thought he knew what wasbest for me and everyone. He was always telling me what to do, even when I was akid. When I quit college, he went wild and told me what a big mistake it was,that it was too risky. I told him if the business didn't work out I could alwaysgo back to school, but he couldn't understand. I also had a professor for acouple of courses who really reminded me of my father. He always came across inclass as having the right answer. Although he said he welcomed views differentfrom his own, when they were offered he had numerous ways of putting them down.When I told him I was leaving college, he said I didn't have the skills to startmy own business, that I wasn't disciplined enough. I showed them."

We asked about the business today. He responded, "It's doing OK, but I wish Ihad a better group of managers. They just don't get it! I've tried to delegateresponsibility, but they just don't seem to have the creativity to come up withnew ideas. Several of my managers have left. When I ask why, they say I don'treally listen to them, that I'm too critical. But when I try to give themresponsibility, when I encourage them to come up with ideas, they failmiserably—so what can I do? It's little wonder that I'm feeling down andanxious. I'm surrounded by people who are incompetent and may cause my businessto suffer. I've got to learn to hire better people. I wouldn't be sitting heretoday feeling anxious if I knew that I had managers I could count on. And tothink that they blame me for not listening to them! How can I listen if theydon't respond to what I ask them to do?"

Mr. Butler continued to attribute his problems to his managers. Because this washis focus we asked him to describe some of the interactions he had with them. Hesaid, "I can tell you something that happened a few weeks ago that is a perfectexample of what I'm talking about. We are developing a new product. I sat downwith the four managers involved in the project. I outlined the goals of theproject and then asked each of them to come back to me the following week withtheir plans to meet these goals. I really wanted them to take some initiative.When we met the following week I shouldn't have been surprised. I heard ideasthat were not very sophisticated or creative. This has happened so often."

We asked how he reacted.

"I was frustrated, as I often am, and I said, 'Is that the best you can do? Iexpect more. We'll never be successful if you keep coming up with these kinds ofideas!'"

"How did the managers respond?"

Mr. Butler said, "They sat there. I could tell they were annoyed, but someonehas to light a fire under them." He then paused and said, "One handed in hisresignation letter the next day. He just couldn't take the pressure. I hope Ican find someone who can."

In reading Mr. Butler's exchange with his managers, you might wonder why such anintelligent man would say things that obviously create friction with his staff.You don't need an advanced degree in psychology to predict that his behaviorwould contribute to an unhappy, unproductive group of managers. Yet it was as ifhe were wearing blinders, unable to see what was so obvious to others. Hecontinued to act out his negative script and was upset when his employees didnot improve.

In our work with Mr. Butler, which we will describe in greater detail later inthis book, we focused not only on helping him to become more aware of how hisbehavior influenced others but also on discovering the roots of his negativescript.

Spontaneity and venturing beyond prescribed scripts can serve as a source ofjoy, adventure, and personal discovery. However, if we didn't follow anyscripts, then each relationship and experience would be unpredictable andchaotic. Tradition and security often prove to be the foundation for providingus the insight and courage to move beyond current scripts and write new ones.Unfortunately, there are times when particular counterproductive scripts becomeincreasingly entrenched and do not easily invite change. If anything, we are noteven aware of the presence of these scripts, expecting others to modify theirbehaviors without reflecting on our contribution to the situation.

Whose Life Is It Anyway? The Significance of Personal Control

Taking ownership of our behavior and becoming more resilient requires us torecognize that we are the authors of our lives. We must not seek our happinessby asking someone else to change, but instead should always ask, What is itthat I can do differently to change the situation? Assuming personal controland responsibility is a fundamental underpinning of a resilient mindset, onethat affects all other features of this mindset and serves as a catalyst tochange negative scripts. For greater clarity and emphasis we will highlight theconcept of personal control in a later chapter, but you will discover that thenotion of personal control permeates our thoughts throughout this book.

Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,has eloquently written that effective people focus on what they can control,spending little, if any, time and energy on matters that are beyond their sphereof influence. We are reminded of the words of the Serenity Prayer used byAlcoholics Anonymous:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can,and the wisdom to know the difference.

You Should Change First

In our clinical practices and workshops we have heard numerous examples of well-intentioned individuals who continue to experience a high level of stress andunhappiness because they wait for someone else to change or they focus on anevent or situation they cannot control.

Alan and Barbara Manter came to us for marital counseling. They had been marriedfor two years, although they had lived together for a year before marrying.Their marital struggles had many features, and one of the strongest was thateach expected the other to change first. Both viewed their happiness asdependent on the actions their spouse should take.

During our first meeting we asked what they thought would help their marriage.Mr. Manter immediately jumped in and said, "Before we were married, Barbaraseemed more affectionate and loving. I think our marriage would be better if shecould be that way again."

Mrs. Manter responded immediately, "Well, if I seem less affectionate, maybeit's because you're less considerate. You neglect to call when you're going tobe home late for dinner. Just last night that happened, and when I asked you whyyou couldn't call, all you could say is that you couldn't find the time."

Mr. and Mrs. Manter continued this line of discussion for a few more minutes,suggesting how the other might change to improve the marriage. We explained,"You've been able to tell each other how to change. Before our next session itmight be helpful to think about what you might do differently to help with yourmarital problems." We wanted them to begin to reflect on their contribution towhat was transpiring in their relationship and to focus on what each couldcontrol.

At the beginning of the next session, Mr. Manter offered that he thought a greatdeal about what he might do differently. "Barbara is right. I can be moreconsiderate and call if I am going to be late for dinner." What a quick,positive response to therapy, we thought. However, this thought wasimmediately erased when Mr. Manter added what we frequently refer to as the butstatement: "But it would make it easier for me to be considerate if Barbarawould show more affection and caring."

Not surprisingly, Mrs. Manter responded with obvious anger, "Maybe I could bemore affectionate if I felt you were more caring and considerate!"

Their mindsets had quickly resorted to "If only the other one would changefirst" or "I would be happy if the other one would change." Though we understandthis kind of thinking and recognize that it commonly occurs in relationships, itworks against becoming resilient because it places the responsibility for changeon someone else. We are not suggesting that other people shouldn't change, butrather that we must first look within ourselves and ask what we can dodifferently to improve a situation.

Are we casting blame? By advocating that people examine the ways they canchange, are we implying that they are the cause of the problem? Not at all. Weare not encouraging self-blame games in which people set themselves up asmartyrs. We prefer to replace self-blame with responsibility. If there is asituation that you do not like, you must assume responsibility to change thesituation, regardless of its roots. This stance is not one of blame, but ratherone that empowers.