Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Jenni Schaefer is an internationally known writer and speaker whose work has helped change the face of recovery from eating disorders. Appearing regularly on national radio and television, she is the bestselling author of Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. Recently she has collaborated with Harvard Medical School to coauthor Almost Anorexic. She is also the chair of the Ambassadors Council of the National Eating Disorders Association. An accomplished singer/songwriter, Jenni lives in Austin, Texas. For more information, visit www.jennischaefer.com.

Thom Rutledge is a psychotherapist and the author of Embracing Fear: How to Turn What Scares Us into Our Greatest Gift. For more information, visit thomrutledge.com.

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"Infused with humor, rich in vivid imagery, and deeply compassionate, this book brings hope to those who suffer from eating disorders, offering them creative tools.” -- David B. Herzog, M.D., professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

"Jenni’s quick wit and brilliant honesty are an inspiration to anyone trying to divorce themselves from an eating disorder ... an accessible, helpful must-read!”-- Lindsey Hall, author of Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery

Jenni had been in an abusive relationship with Ed for far too long. He controlled Jenni's life, distorted her self-image, and tried to physically harm her throughout their long affair. Then Jenni met psychotherapist and author Thom Rutledge. He taught her how to treat her eating disorder as a relationship, not a condition. By thinking of her eating disorder as a unique personality separate from her own, Jenni was able to break up with Ed once and for all.

Inspiring, compassionate, and filled with practical exercises to help you break up with your own personal E.D., Life Without Ed provides new hope for the disorders that plague millions of women and young girls. Beginning with Jenni's "divorce" from Ed, this supportive, lifesaving book combines a patient's insights and experiences with a therapist's prescriptions for success to help you live a healthier, happier life without Ed.

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Life Without Ed

McGraw-Hill

Contents

Chapter One

Separating from Ed

The first step in breaking free from Ed was learning how to distinguish between the two of us. I had to determine which thoughts came from Ed and which ones belonged to me. Next I had to learn to disagree with and disobey Ed. This was not easy. This took time, lots of patience, and a willingness to keep trying over and over again. Part 1 will help you begin to look at the differences between Ed and yourself. Practice separating from him, and you will be taking your first steps toward divorce.

Declaration of Independence

Bingeing, purging, and starving. Why couldn't I stop bingeing, purging, and starving? Why couldn't I just eat like "normal" people do? Because Ed was in control. I tried daily to win battles against him. I tried daily, and I lost daily. No matter how much effort I put forward, I still found myself in the same patterns of bingeing, purging, and starving. I made promises to myself forbidding these behaviors only to break them before the end of the day—sometimes before the end of the hour.

Although I had finally realized that I could not have the life that I wanted with Ed, at the same time, I could not imagine my life without him. So for years I told myself that I would change things, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that I would be with Ed. It was inevitable. I hated Ed and wanted to be free of him, but there was still a small part of me that would not let him go.

As I learned more about Ed's plans for my life and more about myself, I grew angrier about his lies. Ed told me that the beauty of a woman was in the figure that she carries and the number that appears when she steps on a scale. Ed said that Marilyn Monroe, once considered the icon of American beauty, was fat, because she was larger than today's rail-thin models. According to Ed, I needed to look like the Barbie doll that I used to play with as a child. I have heard it said that if Barbie were a real woman, she would have to walk on all fours due to her proportions. Ed wanted me to conform to unrealistic standards.

If I could just keep my weight low enough, Ed said that I could be in complete control of my life. If I was small enough, I could fit myself into any box deemed appropriate for any situation. If I did not take up too much space, I would not get in anyone's way. Everyone would like me. And, of course, Ed told me that he made me special and that without him, I was nothing. If I just stayed with him, he would make me perfect in every way.

After living with the reality of Ed's lies for long enough, after becoming extremely frustrated and depressed, and after hitting rock bottom, I finally wanted to let go of Ed forever. I wanted to make a wholehearted commitment to separate from him, so I wrote my declaration of independence from Ed. I modeled my declaration after the United States Declaration of Independence, and surprisingly, I found that I did not have to change too many words. It seems that in those days England was just as big of a tyrant to the American colonies as Ed is to me today. I read my declaration of independence out loud to my therapy group, and they signed it for me to show their support. My declaration of independence marked the first time in my recovery that I made a solid commitment to break free from Ed. After making my declaration, I still struggled daily, but I was committed to getting back up and staying true to my words.

Today my declaration of independence hangs on the wall of my bedroom with the signatures of delegates from my group.

My Declaration of Independence

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one woman, Jenni, to dissolve the bonds which have connected her to Ed, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and Nature's God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all mankind are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That whenever Ed becomes destructive of these ends, it is right to abolish Ed and to institute Recovery, laying its foundation on such principles and in such form as shall seem the most likely to effect safety and happiness. When a long train of abuses, pursuing invariably the same woman evinces a design to reduce her under absolute despotism, it is her right, it is her duty, to throw off Ed, and to provide Recovery for her future security. The history of Ed is a history of repeated injuries, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over Jenni. To prove this, let facts be submitted.

• Ed has refused for a long time, for Jenni to find happiness.

• Ed has erected a multitude of binges and purges.

• Ed has ravaged Jenni's life and harmed the lives of people close to her.

• Ed has joined with Perfectionism to subject Jenni to acts foreign to her constitution.

• Ed has excited domestic insurrections within Jenni.

• Ed has cut off emotions.

• Ed has suspended Jenni's own mind and declared himself invested with the power to legislate Jenni's world.

• Ed has deprived Jenni of food.

• Ed has taken away Jenni's feelings, abolished her most valuable morals, and altered fundamentally her values.

In every stage of these oppressions, Jenni has petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms. Her repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. Jenni must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces her Separation, and hold Ed as the Enemy.

Jenni, therefore, solemnly publishes and declares that she is Free and Independent; that she is absolved from all allegiance to Ed, that all connection between Ed and her ought to be totally dissolved, and that as a free and independent woman she has the full power to eat, live in peace, and to do all other acts and things which independent people do. And for the support of the Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Divine Providence, Jenni mutually pledges to her therapy group her life, fortune, and sacred honor.

After I wrote my declaration of independence and shared it with others, I was committed to not turning back. I devoted myself entirely to moving forward and divorcing Ed. I knew that I would be traveling a long and difficult road—the hardest one I had ever walked (and even crawled at some points)—but I also knew that it would be worth it. And it has been.

Making the Split

Ed was really depressed in group therapy one night. Julie talked about walking out on Ed at the movie theater on Saturday. Lisa finally agreed not to let Ed in the next time he knocked on her door, and Kelly made a commitment to not let Ed drive her home from group anymore. Everyone was making progress in the struggle to separate from Ed—with the exception of Eileen, a shy, first-time group member. At the end of the session, with a confused expression on her face, she looked around at all of us and asked, "Who's Ed?"

No one had explained to Eileen that Ed...